Sunday, May 29, 2005

Would Bill O'Reilly be "Blowhard Boy"?

With no warning whatsoever, North Coast Craig posts something truly demented, something which should not be unleashed upon unsuspecting folks who go happily traipsing into his Web region: Ann Coulter as superhero. There's a link there to something called the "League of Conservatives". I am not clicking that link. My intestinal fortitude isn't that strong these days, and I'm fresh out of Maalox.

And besides, if Ann Coulter were really a superhero, I suspect that she would use her super-speed to flee, in the spirit of Sir Robin the Not-Quite-So-Brave-As-Sir-Lancelot, from a group of pastry-wielding attackers.

"Run away! The Liberal terrorists are after me! Run! Run! AIEEE!"

And then she'd use her superspeed to run to her trusty laptop (home to three cybertronic personalities, code-named "Hindrocket", "Deacon", else), where she'd use her powers of super-mendacity to columnize about it. Why, that will teach 'em! Those silly Fantastic Four -- all those times they went into battle against Victor Von Doom, never once realizing that he would have crumpled up like last week's soggy newspaper if only they'd just been able to crank up the Conservative League's ultimate weapon, the Noise Machine!

But really, what a comic book that would make! Is John Byrne still around? He could draw it, and Chris Claremont could handle the writing duties, using his own powers of super-plot-expansion to make the foregoing into a subplot over the course of two hundred monthly issues of The Uncanny Bush-Men. Of course, so many of those issues would have the League of Conservatives sitting around congratulating each other while they fail to notice little things like, oh, the giant fireball streaking toward Earth that can be plainly seen through their front window....

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