And God said....

Well, looky there -- Pat Robertson has publicly opened his mouth again, this time to warn us that God personally told him some bad stuff was going to happen to America.

I was going to keep this conversation secret, but after asking the Big Guy, I've got the "all clear" to report some stuff that God told me this morning:

:: At some point during the next year, Pat Robertson will enjoy a very large and very spicy burrito, some jalapeno poppers, and three bean quesadillas. But on his first trip to the bathroom following this meal, Mr. Robertson will discover too late that his stall is out of toilet paper.

:: Mr. Robertson's Tivo will cut off the last three minutes of every episode he attempts to record of Grey's Anatomy, The OC, and 24.

:: When Mr. Robertson's car suffers a flat tire whilst on a lonely stretch of highway in Nevada, the only motorists who will drive by will be Ellen DeGeneres, Al Franken, Tommy Chong, and a busload of Wiccan evolution teachers.

:: What Mr. Robertson interpreted as a tsunami striking the US will turn out to be merely his above-ground pool bursting at the seams when he attempts an ill-advised belly-flop. The surging water will, sadly, sweep Ralph Reed away and he will never be seen again. Ensuing media coverage will make much of reports that Mr. Robertson is wearing a bikini at the time.

Of course, God could have been making all that up. It turns out that God's quite the kidder.