Sunday, December 26, 2004

A Very Public Service Message.

To all purveyors of viruses, spyware, malware, and other pain-in-the-ass stuff out there:

When you folks die and find yourselves standing before the Pearly Gates, I hope you enjoy the brief glimpse of Heaven you get before St. Peter pulls the lever that opens the trapdoor that sends you plunging down, down, down, down, down into a vast pit filled with a blend of equal portions rhinocerous urine, cat dung, and Cheez Whiz, whereupon you will spend Eternity meditating on the fact that your oh-so-clever bits of hackery required me to spend time on Christmas Day searching the Net for reasons as to why I can't get the Daughter's two new computer games to install. Because that's how I want to spend the most important family holiday of the year: Googling Windows error messages to find out what they mean.

And here's a question for you pieces of human excrement: what do you tell people that you do, anyway? I mean, if they press you for details on your job? Surely you don't actually admit that you write spyware. Surely you know that such an admission would likely get you punched in the nose more than once, depending on how many people are in earshot and how long it takes the whispers of "Hey, that fat guy by the snack table, the one who keeps double-dipping his chips, just said that he writes spyware for a living!" to whip around the room, thus lowering the ambient temperature by fifteen degrees within mere seconds. So what do you guys say, anyway?

Thank you for your attention.

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