Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Diary of a Ring (part one)


"I'm cooling off now. Man, that volcano sure is hot. I'm glad to get out of there. That guy with the funky helmet is sure looking forward to wearing me, and I gotta say, he should be! Look at me! Look at how gracefully I can tumble up and down through the air, and check out these fire-runes! 'One Ring to rule them all'! You'd better believe it, baby! And we'll start with those Nine the Men are wearing. Nitwits. And I'm saving that jerk-off from Angmar for last. Heh.

...Master's putting me on. I guess a bunch of men and elves are attacking. What a bunch of wankers. Oh well, Master will kill them pretty easily. I mean, that mace of his kills twenty guys with one shot! Take that, you bunch of pansies. And that! And that! Hmmm...what's Master doing? Why does he give a crap about this one guy? He already broke the guy's sword, why bother? Master, what are you doing? Uh-oh…look out, that broken blade still looks pretty sharp, and oh shit, Master's leading with his finger! Shit! Master, don't! Pull your hand back, he's gonna -- AGGGHHHHHH!….what the hell was that? Where's Master? Now this dorky guy is holding me. What's this crap all over me? Ash? Is that Master's finger?! Did Master die? Oh, man, I gotta think fast, now. I'll start by shrinking so I fit this guy's finger. Unh…errgghh….unnnnhhh! Man, that's hard to do. But there I go. Oh, I'd better hide those fire-runes while I'm at it. That's it, that's nice. Hey, buddy, what's your name? Isildur, eh? Huh…goofy name. Not masculine, like 'Sauron'. But OK. I'm yours, buddy! Rule the world!

Oh, shit, now what? Who the hell is that elf? Oh, crap, is that Elrond? Damned meddler...he wants Master to go…oh, no! Not there! That'll ruin everything! I'd better start chanting now: Don't listen to him, Isildur! Don't do it, Isildur! I can be yours! You can have my power! No one will stand against you! Don't do what he says, and the whole world is yours! Disobey him! Disobey him!

Ha! Take that, Elrond! You stupid goodie-two-shoes elf! Heh! You thought he'd throw me in there, and he didn't! He didn't destroy me. I knew he wouldn't. Isildur's good people, I tell ya. Bye now! Ta-ta! Have a nice thousand years in that Homely House of yours!"

Some while later...

"OK, this Isildur guy is getting boring. He wears me around his neck, for Morgoth's sake. I'm a ring, damn it! I'm not a stupid pendant. Never heard of a 'necklace of power', did you? Or a 'great anklet'? Of course not! That does it. I'm out of here. O for a distraction, like a random band of attacking orcs…hey, check it out! Attacking orcs! Well, I'll be! Ah, he's putting me on his finger. Let's see, this should be easy...hmmmmm...whoa, he's getting pretty close to the river, there. Is he going to…blessed Master, he's in the water! Isildur's in the water! This is too easy! I just grow again, a tiny bit, enough to slip off...unh...ergg...So long, sucker! Oh, that arrow in the back has gotta hurt. Oh well, sucks to be him. Floatin' on down the river. Serves him right, for killing the Master. Guess I'll just flow with current for a while. I wonder where it will take me?"

Some while later...

"Still in the pond. Big fish tried me, spit me out. Stupid fish."

Some centuries later...

"The big fish died, but there was another big fish. Fish have no fingers. I am so screwed."

Some centuries later...

"My, the fish in this pond are really big. Doesn't anybody eat fish anymore?"

Some centuries later...

"Note to self: Turtles can't be warped by my power either. Shit."

Some centuries later...

"I am going to go CRAZY if I don't get out of this f***ing pond soon! It's taking all my power to keep myself from getting buried in sediment. Doesn't ANYBODY ever fish here? That one that keeps swimming over me is begging to be fileted."

Some while later...

"Oh look, here comes that same fish again. I'd make faces at him, if I had a face. Jerk. But what's that in his mouth? Looks like a hook…and a line? Morgoth's blood, is that a boat? WHOA! What is that? A child? No, it's a…well, he's short. Maybe he'll see me…gotta catch a glint of sun...come on...I think he saw me…he's getting closer...did he see me? He's reaching…oh yes oh yes oh yes! He's picking me up! I get a breath of fresh air! Damn that's good stuff! Wow, I'm covered with shit. I hope he rinses me off.

"Hi there, buddy! Your name's Deagol, right? Nice guy! Thanks for getting me out of there! Now, let's see, we should have introductions…oh, who is this? What is his problem? Liar! It is not his birthday! Don't let him touch me, Deagol. He's a creepy bastard. Why are you fishing with him? Yeesh! Whoa, he's getting pissed! Fight him off! Fight him, Deagol! You can do it! You can...oh, shit. Deagol's a freakin' wuss. He just got strangled by this little shit, Smeagol? The way he smells, it should be Flea-gol. Well, fine. I'll go with him, I guess. Maybe I can warp him? I wonder if I still have what it takes...been a while since Isildur..."

Months later...

"Wow, that sure worked. This guy's got problems. What the hell is in his throat, anyway? He keeps hacking. What kind of noise is 'gollum', anyway? And Morgoth's blood, I didn't mean to destroy his damned taste buds! He's eating fish raw! Yeeccchhhh! Isildur didn't even do that! Show some pride, will you? Cook the damn thing? OK, maybe not. They're gonna blame me for how this guy is turning out, but if you ask me, he had some issues before I ever came along. Oh well, what're you gonna do? I sure like being called 'Precious', even if he takes six minutes just to say two syllables. All right, the villagers have had enough of his crap, so I guess we're out of here….oooooooh, he's taking me into the Misty Mountains! I think the Master is hanging out somewhere in the south of Mirkwood. Maybe my new buddy, Gollum, will take me there…what's this? We're going into a cave? What on Earth for? Don't take me down here! I just got out of the mud at the bottom of that river!"

Years later...

"This cave sucks. Gollum sucks. This whole thing sucks. I just wanna be out of here, you know? This guy eats nothing but the blind fish who live in the underground lake and the occasional goblin who wanders down here. (Goblins smell worse than dead fish, let me tell you.) Gollum doesn't even wear me anymore, I wonder if he even knows he put me down. Does he even know what 'My Precious' is, anymore? Hey, it's me, Dumb-ass! Stupid Gollum. I hope somebody comes down here and kills him with an elf-sword.

Hhheeyyy! Here comes somebody, with an elf-sword! He's gonna kill Gollum! Yay me! Let me get a look at him…oh, shit. He's one of those short shits like Gollum was to begin with! Morgoth's blood, I hate these little guys. Uh-oh, he just found me! Stupid confounded luck! But maybe he'll get me out of here. What's your name, little guy? 'Bilbo Baggins'? Man, these hobbits sure do have dumb names. Sauron: that's a name. That's a guy who's going places. 'Bilbo' is a guy who milks your cows. I'm the One Ring! I'm supposed to Rule Them All! Why do I keep falling in with these lackwit farmer-types?! Ugh! Well, he'll just kill Gollum and be done with it...wait, they're just talking. What are they saying? Gotta listen…hmmm…riddles? They're playing a game of riddles?! AGGGHHH! Stupid fat hobbit, stupid slimy bastard! Riddles, my ass!

And hey! Bilbo's cheating! 'What have I got in my pocket' is not a riddle! Come on, Gollum, call him on the rules! Challenge it! Why aren't you challenging it! This Bilbo character's gonna screw you, Gollum, you idiot! It's me in his pocket! I'm the answer! Say it! Say it!

Shit, he didn't say it. Dumb ass! And now Bilbo's pulling me out – oh shit, he's gonna put me on! Gollum, you stupid bastard, I told you to keep me in a box! Bilbo's putting me on! Blessed Master, he's got fat fingers. Gotta grow a bit. All right, here we go. OK. You're invisible, you little shit. You're lucky my Master hasn't returned to full power yet, or he'd have his eye on you right now. Heh. What's Gollum doing? He's searching for Bilbo. Oh, now he's screaming about his Precious. Yeah, you put me down and forgot about me, didn't ya? And now someone else found me, didn't he? Serves you right, you slimy twit. And he's following you right up out of the cave! Ha! The joke's on you! Ohhhh, here we go! Sunlight after all these years! Air that doesn't smell of water and fish! I'm free! Yay! Yippee!

You know, I think I'll wait a while before I warp this Bilbo guy. I mean, he did do me a favor. Maybe the best thing right now would be for me to just act like a nice Invisibility Ring for a while. Then maybe he'll keep me. Gotta be careful now. Apparently these hobbits don't take well to being ring-warped. So here we go.

Hmmmm, I can still hear Gollum screaming. See ya later, Dumb-ass! Eat some fish for me! I hope I never hear his ugly voice again. But he's still screaming about how much he hates Baggins. Morgoth, is he pissed. Oh well, I'm sure I'm done with him. How much more trouble can a guy named Gollum be, anyway? Doo de doo de doo….

A couple of weeks later...

"Morgoth's blood, this is all getting embarrassing. I'm the One Ring! What am I doing, being used by some fat little hobbit to get in and out of tight spots while he helps some smelly, hairy dwarves to kill a dragon and steal their treasure back. It's a disgrace. What have I got against this Smaug fellow? Dragons are good people. Just give them a pile of money to sleep on, toss in a live villager once in a while to feed them, and they're fine. What is it with these smelly dwarves and their mountains and mines and rock and all that? Just the other night I heard one of 'em – Balin, I think – talking about how nice it would be if someone went and reopened Moria. I don't think they heard me laugh at that, but I couldn't help myself. Yeah, you short fat dirt-crawling mithril fiend, just go and start poking around Moria again. There's a good idea. Heh! Indeed!"

"Well, that was some battle, there. Five armies, and then some big-ass shapeshifter guy. I guess goblins are still idiots. Kind of like orcs, only stupider. Oh, look, that Thorin guy is dead, and now I'm off with Bilbo again. We're going to a place called 'Shire'. Pansy name, if you ask me. Orodruin, the Mountain of Fire – now there's a place you don't muck with! Who's gonna take seriously a place called 'Hobbiton'?"

"Oh, and Gandalf has absolutely no idea what I am. He's a bit out of his usual self. I have a feeling that Saruman will kick his ass in pretty short order, once he finishes turning to the Dark Side. (No, I don't know "the Dark Side" of what. It just sounded cool.)

"Bilbo keeps me on his mantelpiece. Weird. Shouldn't he, you know, wear me, once in a while? It's hard for me to warp him like this, when all he ever does is use me to avoid some ugly-ass relatives of his. I mean, those Sackville-Bagginses are some creepy folks, let me tell you. And I don't trust that nephew of Bilbo's, either. Frodo, his name is. I have a feeling he's gonna be a pain in my ass before long. And what's with that fat one he's hanging out with all the time? And those other two idiots? Man, I gotta get back to Sauron. I wish he'd get back to Mordor and start looking for me again..."

To be continued...

(Actually, this never continued. The joke wouldn't have kept working.)

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