Byzantium's Shores: chronicling the misadventures of an overalls-clad hippie

I'm torn as to how to mock this story, so I'll just toss up a couple of alternatives and let you all choose the one that tickles your fancy.

1. "Based on the event currently scheduled for September 13, I think that folks living in the vicinity of Neverland may want to watch the skies for the mothership to show up on September 14 and spirit Mr. Jackson back home."

2. "In a related item, judges in the county where Neverland resides are already preparing the forms in advance for restraining orders, names to be filled in later."

3. "When told that some of the proceeds are expected to be donated to his gubernatorial campaign, actor and candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger is said to have screamed, 'No! No! Anything but that! What's he trying to do, kill me?!' National GOP overlord Karl Rove, though, speculated that Mr. Jackson is a secret French agent whose mission to disavow America has gone seriously awry."