The Sensations of Great Disturbances, in progress....

First of all, I must note that 2004 is shaping up very nicely. I already have a new job that I'm enjoying muchly, and there was the advance copy of Guy Gavriel Kay's new novel. Now I learn that pretty much the ultimate gift will be available in time for my birthday, five days after the release date. Wow-za! Oh, man....dare I hope that this is all leading up to a really nice bonus on the first Tuesday of November?

But anyway, I noted yesterday that John Scalzi dissed George Lucas, and I successfully avoided foaming at the mouth (although there were a couple of drops of spittle that were quickly wiped up). A grim sensation began to take hold, though -- as if one blogger's voice screamed out in terror, and then was suddenly silenced. Yup, the unspeakable has happened: the AICN Jedi Council has re-convened.

Hoo-boy....here we go....I shall now fasten by steel-like grip on the corners of my computer table. Running commentary is below: I'm reading this thing and commenting on it as I do so. Just because, well, I can. Imagine me as a disembodied Jedi in their room, floating behind them and whispering, "You bunch of friggin' wankers!"

(I'll try to find links to my previous AICN Council rantings a bit later on.)

...OK, apparently playwright Tom Stoppard has done some script work on Episode III. I loved Shakespeare in Love, so I can deal with this. And look: more bitching about midichlorians! And whining about the giant, gaping plot hole in Attack of the Clones: the identity of Master Sifodyas! (And here's me, thinking, "Who gives a shit about Sifodyas?")

...And here's some guy holding forth that Lucas sold out with Attack of the Clones and "gave the fans what they wanted". I'm sure the fans were screaming for the Anakin/Padme love story. I'm sure that the fans wanted that love story intercut with a complicated mystery and Republic politics. Aside from less Jar Jar, I don't know what "fanboy grievances" this guy thinks Lucas indulged -- unless it was simply all the battle stuff, which pretty much had to be there, right? I mean, given that the story requires it? Ummmm....sure. Moving on.

...They babble about the DVDs for a bit. Nothing about Greedo shooting first yet, but I'm sure it's coming....and they really want some rumored scene from The Empire Strikes Back in which Vader plucks C-3PO's mechanical heart from his chest. I don't know, that sounds pretty stupid, doesn't it?

...Moriarty says this: "Toy manufacturers have a real problem with manufacturing toys for PG-13 and R rated films." They do? Did I hallucinate all those Lord of the Rings toys?

...Apparently Natalie Portman is a snot on the set. (According to these folks, presumably none of whom have ever been on the set with her -- but then, AICN is pretty much the Internet home for "I have a friend who knows somebody who picks up drycleaning for this producer guy, and he says that Paris Hilton is in talks to play Queen Elizabeth the Second in the new World War II movie.")

...And there it is! Greedo shoots first!

...Followed immediately by "Release the original trilogy!"

...Predictions of box office grosses abound. Gnashing over why The Phantom Menace outperformed Attack of the Clones, and I think back to an interview George Lucas gave back before TPM even came out, in which he said that he expected Episode III to gross the least of all the films. Hmmmm.

All in all, not as obnoxious as previous outings, but you can still see where most of these people are operating under the premise that George Lucas is a bumbling hack who basically stumbled into making good movies by the sheer luck that he had a couple of talented people with him. Experienced readers know that I disagree with this, vehemently...but we'll let that dog sleep.