Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The King's Taster (fiction)

(I wrote this story five or six years ago. It was my first attempt at writing short fiction in the fantasy genre, and yes, it shows. As I re-read it now, I'm slightly embarrassed by the obvious nods of the head toward the work of Guy Gavriel Kay, but I do like some of the ideas I played with here. I may revisit some of these ideas at a future time, but it will almost certainly be in a form completely different from this. "The King's Taster" was rejected by every market to which I sent it, of course.)

When Fesk Rangol was born, just after his mother completed the Naming, the Priest placed a tiny droplet of orange liquid on his tiny pink tongue and closed his mouth.

"Be silent!" the Priest hissed. The woman's wailing was highly irritating. She knew the risks of delivering a child this month.

The Priest held his breath as little Fesk swallowed the juice of the whisperberry. It would take seconds to enter his blood, and seconds after that for the seizures to begin. But in Fesk there were no seizures; the child only continued to scream the shrill howl of the newborn. The Priest handed the child back to his mother, who slid her bare nipple into his waiting mouth.

"We will come for him in six months," the Priest said to her as he wrote down the child's name and the mother's. He then packed up his belongings and left. On his way he passed a wagon in which lay six infant corpses. Six, before he found one resistant to whisperberry. It was a good year.

Six months later that same Priest came and took little Fesk away to the Venomous Academy. The mother cried and wailed a lot. They always did.

***


The Venomous Academy was two hundred years old, and now had a well-established formula. Until two years of age, Fesk -- along with the other children in his group, six altogether -- was given a daily dosage of the most common poisons and venoms. This was to bolster the natural immunity. Whisperberry; silver poppy extract; hanging adder venom; droplets from the spines of the blue duskfish; the powdery excrement of the Griskin caterpillar; even the lowly hemlock, the poor man's poison: all were administered in tiny doses. In the first year and a half of Fesk's life at the Venomous Academy three of his classmates proved not immune to all of them. It happened. Such children were returned to their parents, their ashes in silver urns.

At two years of age began the long work, sixteen years of it, of training the palate. There was still the daily sampling of poisons, but now Fesk had to learn Tasting. He had to learn about food and drink, from the cultivation of crops and animals to the final presentation at the table. Thus Fesk spent his days alongside the students of the School of Obosidor, Saint of Food and Wine, before returning to the Venomous Academy to study the world of toxins.

By the time of his Recognition in his eighteenth year, he had learned how to properly thicken a cream sauce for fish. He knew the roasting of an entire wild boar, how much to toast the flour in a roux, the harvesting of mushrooms, and the difference in flavor between herbs picked in high summer and the same herbs picked in autumn's fading days. And then there was wine. The gold, sweet wines of the Isles of Vonvolen captivated him; his heart was smitten by the reds of the Danan River valley. He knew which of the Realm's white wines to serve, depending on whether the Black scallops had been sautéed in butter alone or dredged lightly in stone-ground flour before being cooked in walnut oil. He had an instinctive sense of which wine to pair with which food, and he could identify vintages to within a month. Fesk Rangol's palate was the stuff of legend, and the chefs of the Realm thought it tragic that he was to be a Taster.

All this time he continued learning the tastes of poisons and the effects that they had on the flavor of food. The work of a Taster was the most dangerous in the Realm, more perilous even than that of the King's Knights. All of them had remarkable palates, but the course of training demanded more of anyone's palate than nearly anyone at all could give. Gradually Fesk's classmates either died when they failed to identify a poison correctly, or they failed the Food Trials, after which they were ceremonially killed. The secrets of the training could not be revealed to the people. By the time of Fesk's Recognition, only two other students remained. He was the youngest Taster ever to be Recognized.

On that morning they met in the Chapel of the Lady, the last three students and the High Priest, for the Recognition Ceremony. Fesk would admit to being scared, but no Taster had ever died during the Ceremony, and he was sure he would not be the first. The sickness from the combined poisons he consumed that day lasted an entire month, after which he was called upon by a youngish Priest who had been charged with escorting Fesk to Prince Yessel, the member of the Royal clan to whom he had been assigned.

It was a wonderful spring day when they set out, riding a wagon loaded with Moonmist wine, though Fesk knew that it was too warm to travel with Moonmist. "The wine will take on the flavor of the oak barrels," he observed, saying nothing more so as to enjoy the ride on the barge from the Isle of the Priests to the mainland, where they would ride south to Caluna, the summer home of the Royal Family and the permanent home of Prince Yessel.

The sun was going down when they arrived, and it was far enough southeast to be noticeably warmer than in Vairece and at the Venomous Academy. As they approached the marble steps that led up to the summer palace, Fesk saw that Prince Yessel himself was waiting for them.

Yessel was the second of two sons to King Jalory II, and thus was one spot removed from the Royal succession. His elder brother, Caspar, was the Crown Prince of the Realm. Caspar was the one who went on missions of state to the capitals of other nations, spent time with the armies studying tactics and armaments, and was betrothed to Yoneska, the young Queen of Kassamar, a nation to the northwest and seat of the world's greatest navy. To Prince Yessel, though, all that meant was that Prince Caspar was forbidden to enjoy life. Yessel had made the summer palace his own, and had a fabulous collection of painting and sculpture. He also had a magnificent library, though he actually had read none of the books on its shelves. He was known to prefer the contents of his wine cellars to those of his library, and his palace was the setting of the grandest feasts and cotillions in that part of the Realm, perhaps even anywhere in the Realm, rivaling even those of the Royal Palace in Vairece. Prince Yessel loved food and frequently gave feasts lasting for entire days at a time. It might have seemed strange for such a great Taster to be sent to the secondary Prince, but King Jalory II had a fine Taster while Prince Caspar only ate perhaps six things at all, so Fesk's palate would be wasted on such a man. His predecessor had performed the ritual suicide when his palate had faded from age. No Taster (save one) ever died of old age.

As they came near, Fesk looked at his new master. Prince Yessel was a stout man who wore his red hair very long and braided behind his back. He walked everywhere with his hands clasped behind his back, his long robes of porphyry flowing behind him. Around his waist he wore a belt of rich brown leather traced with gold. His beard was trimmed to a point, and he gazed at Fesk with pale blue eyes. Fesk jumped down from the wagon and knelt before his new master.

"I am your servant, Fesk Rangol, my prince."

"Yes, you are, aren't you?" The Prince's voice was smooth and buttery. "Then show me your craft, Taster." Fesk looked up and saw that the Prince held a crystal flask, inside which was a deep amber liquid. Fesk took the flask and sniffed the contents, immediately recognizing the fortified dessert wine of Tensdor. He took a sip, swished it about his mouth, swallowed, and then spoke with almost no hesitation.

"It is Doric Red, from the valley of the River Dor in Tensdor." He focused on the wine's finish for a very brief moment, and then named the vintage.

"Quite right," Prince Yessel said as he lifted his eyebrows. "Very nice. Now, let me look at you." He stepped backward and carefully inspected Fesk's personal appearance. "I am afraid that only I am allowed to conceal my true intentions behind a beard. Stelo!" The man named Stelo, Prince Yessel's officious steward, stepped forward. "Make note of this, Stelo: Fesk Rangol is to be shaven." Stelo nodded. "And the hair will need to be trimmed. Such a shock of curls must be tamed." He shook his head at Fesk's blue shirt, green pants, and brown cap. "Of course, these clothes are unforgivable."

At this point Stelo spoke. "Forgive me, Lord, but he wears the proscribed uniform of a Royal Taster. There are doctrinal reasons--"

"No. He serves me, and I will not have my Taster looking like a potted plant. Now, Taster, go with Stelo here and do not come back into my sight until you are out of your current condition." With that he wandered off for his daily stroll in the gardens, and Fesk was whisked away to have his appearance attended.

For the first year, Fesk's daily routine consisted of accompanying the Prince to every meal, where he always sat at the Prince's side. This was another slight to the Priesthood's established protocol, which required that the Taster stand the entire meal behind his charge, only coming forward to taste each course. Fesk sat to Prince Yessel's left, there taking a mouthful of each plate placed before the Prince. Fesk discovered immediately that Prince Yessel spared no expense, none at all, to employ the finest cooks in his kitchens and to provide them with the finest of ingredients. His waistline gradually expanded over a year of eating the delights of Prince Yessel's kitchens.

One spring morning in the second year, Fesk joined the Prince for breakfast, alone, on the terrace. Yessel pointed to Fesk's growing belly. "Well, Taster, you seem to be enjoying your position."

"It is what I was born to do," Fesk said.

"Yes, I suppose it is," the Prince replied. "But next week you shall be put to the test. I am receiving Caledon IV, Duke of Odona."

Fesk felt the blood drain from his face. Odona was the most fabulously wealthy nation in the world, a small duchy north of the Realm, in the Leeas Mountains and at the crossroads of the continent. The coming of Caledon IV would put Prince Yessel's kitchens to a test like never before. They would be asked to create dishes of wonder, with complexity of flavor that would defy even the most seasoned of palates. Yes, the kitchens would be tested. So would Fesk.

"Then that is why you have had so many deliveries to the larders lately," Fesk said. The Prince nodded.

"Exactly," he said. "And Cornoset has known for a month. I have sworn him to secrecy."

Fesk laughed. Cornoset was the Chief of the Kitchens. "I thought he was drinking more brandy than usual these days."

"Indeed," the Prince said.

***


The week flew by. The palace was filled with huge bouquets of the most beautiful spring flowers, and the grounds were tended with the utmost care. The Prince, most uncharacteristically, attended the daily Vespers of the local Priesthood; foremost in his prayers was a wish for the finest weather during the Duke's visit. Of course, he did not care in the least if the Duke's subsequent journey to Vairece was spoiled by rain. King Jalory and Prince Caspar could say their own prayers.

Thus it was that at dusk on the night before the Holy Day that a magnificent train of forty great wagons, pulled by teams of the finest white stallions, arrived at the Palace gates. Prince Yessel cued the thirty trumpeters to sound the call of Odona, and then the call of the Realm. Then the other musicians -- strings, harpers, pipers and drummers -- began to play as His Excellency Duke Caledon II stepped from his coach and bowed before the Prince, who reciprocated. The two men spoke formal words of greeting, and then the Royal parties went to the dining hall, where Fesk was waiting. As ritual proscribed, Fesk and the Duke's Taster bowed before each other, and then each took a bite from a specially baked ceremonial loaf. And then, the meal began.

And what a meal it was! To Prince Yessel's way of thinking, cooking was as much an art as painting, sculpture, or musicianwork, if not more so: every art served to engage one or more of the senses. Cooking employed not just taste but aroma, sight, and sound. No other art captured all of the senses, and thus cooking had supreme place amongst the arts. Cornoset and those in his kitchen were artists in the truest sense, and this night was the finest flowering of their craft yet.

The first course consisted of the shrimp of local waters lightly cooked in butter and then wrapped in delicate pastry, baked to a golden brown and served with a delicately sweet white wine from Trovenc. The second course was a magnificent soup of local vegetables and mushrooms in a pork stock, garnished with cubes of crusty bread. This was followed by simple greens flavored with vinegar and olive oil, but these greens were grown in the volcanic soil of Avirena, and thus those plates of greens exploded with color: every shade of green, some tinged with orange and purple and red. And at the bottom of each plate, a wonderful surprise: a boiled quail's egg, colored with tea to look like old alabaster. Of each of these dishes, Fesk and the other Taster had the first samples. With each magnificent bite of food and sip of wine, Fesk offered a prayer to Obosidor, that god of food and drink who lives in the fires of the ovens and in the necks of the bottles.

The meal went on for hours. There were to be twenty-one courses in all, leading up to the uncorking of a bottle of Obosidor's Wealth, the aged sweet wine that gained its name for its sublime taste and its gold-coin color. For hours Prince Yessel talked matters of state with Duke Caledon, laughing frequently at the Duke's complete seriousness. Fesk, meanwhile, sat silent, alone in his own form of worship. At last came the Nineteenth Course, the crowning achievement. Drums rolled and trumpeters sounded as a great cart was wheeled into the hall. On the cart was an enormous boar which had been roasted in a pit of coals for two days. The pig's skin was a deep fiery red, from the two inches of thick paste that had been spread over him prior to roasting. As the meat was carved, Cornoset himself came out to apply the sauce, which he had made just now. Thus, as the scent of the roasted pork filled the room, a plate of the meat ladled with white wine and truffle sauce was set before each Taster.

Protocol required that the visiting Taster go first, and this he did, placing a morsel in his mouth and chewing slowly. Finally he swallowed, and then smiled at Cornoset. Now was Fesk's turn, and he took his own bite.

Here, Fesk knew as before he even closed his mouth, was Art in its highest order. As the hot meat sizzled in his mouth, its sweetness combined with the pungency of the red garlic paste to fill his heart with joy. The sauce was shockingly mild, having no immediate flavor at all but imparting a blossoming finish that mingled with that of the pork. The flavors of the white truffles bloomed in his mouth after he swallowed, augmenting but not overpowering the complex tastes of the pork. And finally, as the flavors receded into the back of his mouth, Fesk became aware of one last taste, completely unexpected. He knew he'd tasted it before….As he tried to place it he saw that everyone in the hall was staring at him. That flavor, the tiniest wisp of flavor that vanished even as he tried to place it, was familiar, so, so familiar….and then, glancing at the Duke, he had it.

"Do not eat, Prince Yessel," said Fesk Rangol. Yessel's eyes went wide, the Duke stared, the other Taster's fork dropped to his plate with a loud clatter, and Cornoset went white. Fesk rose and spoke the formal words: "My Lord, Obosidor has forsaken." Stunned murmurs swept the hall.

"Are you certain?" Prince Yessel demanded.

"Yes," Fesk replied. "There is poison here."

"Impossible!" the other Taster exclaimed. "I taste nothing."

"It is miraculous that I tasted it at all," Fesk said. "It is a venom from a spider who lives in the sands of Pangrid." Pangrid was a land of vast deserts, away across the sea. "It is known to us only recently." The other Taster was taken aback, and he took another hasty bite. Everyone watched as he chewed, and then he set down his fork and nodded grimly.

"I believe I taste it now," he said. "I took it to be a nut oil base for the sauce." He looked at his Duke. "Do not eat, my Lord. Obosidor has forsaken."

Every breath was held as the Duke turned to face Prince Yessel, who was staring at the plate of food before Fesk.

"Your Highness," said Duke Caledon II in his most imperious voice, "this is a grave matter. And no matter what your position may be in the order of succession, this is a visit of state. But, I am prepared to grant that you had no foreknowledge of this attempt on my life. Therefore, I offer you this opportunity to make amends." He pulled from his belt a jeweled dagger and offered it to the Prince. "Take my knife, if you will, to slay this cook of yours. After all, he is the one serving the food."

The Prince took the dagger and looked at Cornoset, who was now utterly aghast. Then the Prince laughed. "Fear not, Cornoset," he said. "I shall not kill you now. I would not slay a horseman who brought tidings of loss from a battlefield, and I will not kill the unfortunate hand that serves the poisoned food." He turned to the Duke and smiled. "My dear, dear Caledon, how shall I take this betrayal?"

The Duke sputtered, thinking that his ears had deceived him. Then he became very angry. "You accuse me?" he demanded.

"You?" Prince Yessel's voice was as calm as if he were discussing the weather. "No, not you. I doubt very much that you had any actual part in this. But this is not an attempt on your life. It is an attempt on mine, and of course this poison had to originate with your party. I seem to recall that Pangridi silks are particularly prized in your land."

"What of that?" The Duke grated, his eyes nothing but ice.

"What of that, indeed?" The Prince smiled and opened his hands. "Surely you remember that our King, my father, forbids all trade with, and even travel to, the good state of Pangrid. There was some unfortunate business between a Pangridi potentate and our own Princess Dirwana." He shook his head sadly, and many eyes turned downward. That story was well known. "Poor Dirwana," he went on, referring to his younger sister. "Did you know they used to say that the birds and whales alike sang of her? Well, at least the child lived. But now, of course, and ship of the Realm found to be making port in Pangrid is put to the torch, with all hands still aboard. Except for the Captain, that is; for him is reserved the fate of being tied between two--"

"We know the custom," the Duke snapped.

"Of course you do," Prince Yessel said agreeably. "I know of things too, Duke Caledon. A trading expedition you authorized to Pangrid last year, for instance. Of course, I also know that several of those 'traders' you sent are known spies. Very interesting." He glanced at Fesk. "Tell me, Taster: how long does this venom retain its efficacy?"

"Less than a year, My Prince," Fesk said without hesitation. The Prince turned back to the Duke and spread his hands in a fait accompli gesture.

"You can prove nothing," the Duke said.

"Of course not," the Prince confirmed. "But under the circumstances, perhaps this lovely evening should end now."

The evening did in fact end then. The Duke said some very formal words in protest of being subjected, as a guest, to unfounded accusations; then he ordered his entire entourage back to their ships, whence they would sail back to Odona. He paused only to send a message to King Jalory with the standard written letter of protest, penned by the Duke's own hand and affixed with his personal seal. There were still diplomatic ways of expressing oneself.

After the meal Fesk retired to his chambers, his head pounding as much with the tension of the evening as with the effects of the venom in his system. He was mixing a soporific when there was a knock at his door. He was surprised -- no, utterly astonished when Prince Yessel entered the room. He was dressed in his night robes and was holding a small box carved of ebony wood and inlaid with gold filigree.

"Your Highness!" Fesk exclaimed.

"I hope that you will forgive this intrusion, Taster," the Prince said as he entered the room and looked around at Fesk's simple furnishings, "but we have forgotten something."

"My Lord?" Fesk blinked, confused. "We spoke the formal release, did we not?"

"We did speak it," the Prince replied. "But tonight you have given me fine service, and it would be remiss of me to not give proper reward." He held out the ebon box.

Fesk shook his head and held up a hand of refusal. "My Lord, I did my duty as required of me by Obosidor and the Lord God. No reward is necessary."

"Ah, but it is, Taster," said the Prince. "This is not for finding the poison. Tonight you have served me in a way you may someday appreciate. You don't care much for the politics of the court, I have seen."

"I confess that I understand very little of that business."

"Yes. That being the case, I shall not overtax you with a lengthy exegesis of what happened here tonight. Until morning, then." He held forth the box again, and this time Fesk accepted it. Then Prince Yessel headed for the door, pausing at the threshold. "The box itself is the gift, though you may find the contents illuminating." He gave Fesk a light smile before leaving.

Fesk gazed at the box. It was certainly beautiful, as long as his hand and only a handbreadth deep. He didn't recognize the wood, which reflected his image in the high polish of its surface. He looked over the scrollwork of the gold filigree, and then he recognized the handiwork of Pangridi artisans. A chill ran through him as he lifted the lid. The inside was lined with red satin, in the center of which was a glass vial stopped with a cork. Drawing the vial out with two fingers, he looked inside it. There he saw the dried, desiccated form of a spider.

***


Fesk never again brought up the subject of the dinner for Duke Caledon II or the contents of the ebony box. Occasionally he caught the Prince's eye and saw there a knowing gleam, a recognition there of what they both knew. The years were filled with many fine meals, and soon Fesk pushed the entire matter from his mind -- until one day when word arrived that King Jalory had broken off relations with Odona, in some territorial dispute that had festered since the Duke's ill-fated journey to the Realm. Fesk paid little attention to it all, until there was some unforgivable insult to the King's men during an encounter in the mountains between the two nations. There were deaths involved, and soon the entire nation of the Realm was ready to go to war against the heathens from Odona. Now the attempted poisoning of Prince Yessel became very important indeed.

On one chilly morning after the war had been going on for some time a messenger came to Prince Yessel's palace bringing word that he had been expecting. An overzealous captain had completely demolished an Odonian village, slaughtering the men and doing horrible things to the women. All of Odona was preparing to sweep southward to fight the evil Realm. The entire Realm army was moving north, led by Prince Caspar. Less than a week later came another message, that the King himself, Jalory II, was joining his force, leaving the kingdom in the hands of Prince Yessel. The Prince gathered up his entire entourage and went to Vairece, to take over the Royal Palace.

Even as the war continued, Prince Yessel brought an unheard-of opulence to the Royal City. His parties and dinners, long talked about in reverent tones that evoked "the Prince's City of Pleasure", became the new center of attention to the wealthy. And he loved it. Even while the young men of the Realm were dying on snowy mountain fields, Prince Yessel spent his mornings at the hunting grounds happily slaying the fattened deer. The other nobles were accustomed to King Jalory's frugal ways, and they adored this new flaunting of affluence.

At the end of the Prince's first year there, the word came from the fields that a very massive battle had occurred, during which the armies of the Realm had caught the Odonian troops unprepared and forced them back against the snowmelt-swollen waters of the River Donat. It had been an utter rout, and Odona had surrendered; but the cost was very heavy indeed: above the heavy casualties, Prince Caspar had been slain by an Odonian archer's lucky shot. Yessel was now Crown Prince. The Realm mourned, but during this time Fesk noticed no real change in the Prince's mood or conduct.

When at last the King returned from war, he was a shadow of the man he had once been. He was gaunt and listless, and a year in the cold climes of the north had done his health no good. And now his beloved Caspar, Caspar the Golden, was dead. It was little secret that Jalory had little love for his second son, but now it little mattered. The King's health worsened until on the first day of summer the persons passing by the Palace noticed that the windows had been draped overnight in black velvet, and the Royal Guards had donned the ebon armbands. Jalory II was dead, and preparations began for the coronation of Yessel I.

Thus Fesk Rangol became the King's Taster, and still, very little had changed.

***


"I yield the Royal Palate to the grace of Obosidor," Fesk said.

"I release you until the morrow," King Yessel said in proper reply.

Simple words, Fesk thought as he headed for his chambers. Simple words, spoken every night for twenty-five years now, twenty of them with Yessel as King. He entered his chambers, lit two candles, and looked at himself in his mirror. I was thin once, he reflected, gazing at the corpulent reflection. Such was the result of being Taster to a man well versed of food. He turned away from the mirror, picked a book from his shelf, and headed for the couch by the terrace door. He heard stirring on the bed, behind the curtains that hung from the immense canopy.

"Not tonight," he said to his concubine, a woman the King had personally selected to service the King's Taster. "I am tired and I shall just read some poetry before bed." A whimper of disappointment came from the bed. That was to be expected. What was certainly not expected was the sound of steel being drawn from a scabbard.

He had no idea how many grabbed him from behind. A pair of strong hands kept his head from turning, and a rough cloth sack was yanked over his head. A wad of stinking cloth was stuffed into his mouth. He heard several sets of footsteps around him; his attempts at struggle were utterly futile. He smelled sweat and dirt and horrible wine. One of his attackers had drawn very close....

"Stop struggling, you bloated buffoon," the man said. His voice was coarse. "You know you're not strong enough."

Fesk obeyed, although he remained very tense.

"Now, Scraphound, you will come with us."

The scrap of cloth was yanked from his mouth, and as he gasped at the air something was poured into his mouth from a bottle. He choked and sputtered, and some of it went down. Simple sackbutt, with a horrible aftertaste of the brandy and the wine...and the dusk oil. I will awaken soon, he thought as he slipped away into unconsciousness.

***


There was water, thrown onto his face. He awoke with a start, sputtering as some of the water went down his nose. He realized his shirt was wet, they must have thrown a good deal of water on him.

"Where am I?"

"Get that blindfold off," a male voice said. The blindfold was removed from Fesk's eyes. His vision was blurry and he blinked several times, looking around.

They were in an abandoned chapel with crumbling walls and decaying statues and altars. The whole place was lit by a single torch in the hand of the man who had spoken. All the others, however many there might have been, were behind Fesk, and he was still bound so he couldn't turn to see them. The man before him had his hood pulled up, concealing his features.

"What is the purpose of this abduction?" Fesk said, trying to sound more outraged than frightened. "I demand to know the reason for this direct insult and act of insurrection on the King!"

The man chuckled. "That was very nice," he said. "You will forgive our failure to be afraid. You are not missed now, having spoken the Release; you are bound with excellent ropes, you are unarmed, and I doubt any skill at arms you may have matches ours."

"I will be missed eventually," Fesk warned. He caught a smell on the air, foul, like rotting meat.

"Not until the morning meal," the man said, shaking his head. "And you will be back well before then."

Fesk blinked again, confused. "You are not going to kill me?"

"If that were our objective, we would have done so in your room, and in very bloody fashion. That would have made an impression. No, we needed merely to speak to a member of the Court."

"An official audience would have sufficed."

"An official audience?" The man snorted, suddenly angry. "Do you truly think that men such as us would be given official audience?"

"Why me?"

The man shrugged. "There are reasons," he said in a different tone. Quieter, softer.

Fesk shifted his arms, trying to restore some circulation to his wrists. "What do you want to say?"

"As the King's Taster, you are cloistered away in the Palace. How much do you see of the Realm? The Realm that exists beyond the walls and the gates?"

"The Realm is in good stead," Fesk said. "The Realm has always been a tower of strength."

The man laughed harshly and shook his head. "You are more cloistered than I thought. Do you not smell that?" He gestured to the air, and Fesk noticed the scent of rot again. "That is the smell of death in the city. Does the air itself halt at the Palace walls?"

"We know that there is disease in the Realm, but nothing lies within the King's power to halt that. Do you blame the King for the plague?"

"For the plague? No. But the ships have come, bearing medicines -- and yet those medicines are taken from the wharves to be placed in storage and used to treat the nobles."

"That cannot be true."

The man shrugged. "Ask the King, or check on it yourself. But have you ever wondered how the King can pay for all that opulence at the Palace? Is he truly that rich? Those feasts were he serves a hundred pigs at once, where a thousand loaves of bread are consumed? Those great meals after which the river canal runs red with the overflow from the opened casks of wine? Can this be what the King spends his money on?" The man rose and walked across the chapel to where he stood looking outside through a great hole in the wall. "The Odonian border is quite restless these days, and the King needs ships, wonderful ships bristling with cannon, to hold at bay the Awesome Threat of Gernivar." He spoke those last words with an inflated air, and Fesk took his meaning. Gernivar was a far less significant threat than the King or the Gernars believed. "Haven't you ever wondered how the King pays for all this? Do you have no curiosity, Taster?"

"I am a Taster," Fesk said weakly. "Such things are not my concern."

"Such things should be the concern of all men, and yet they are often ignored by men like you. The royal and the wealthy so often believe that the world ends at their own fences. But look, Taster. Look at this place." He gestured to the ruins of the chapel around them. "Is not the purpose of Kings to serve the God and to make his will on earth? Then why would a group of mercenaries, paid with royal coin, set upon this place and put it to the torch?"

Fesk stared slack-jawed at the man.

"Here was a place devoted to the God, and yet the King's men learned that occasionally the Priest of this chapel criticized his rule, and thus the place was burned."

"Why would the Priesthood allow that?" Fesk demanded, incredulous.

"They sanctioned it, Taster. The Priest here taught things that they deemed dangerous, so when the King's mercenaries came, they allowed them to do their work. And then there was the King's generous gift of gold and lands to the Priesthood. Coincidence?" The man shook his head. "The Priesthood does not exist to serve the nobles! And yet that is the way things are now." The man turned to Fesk. "King Yessel is a danger to the Realm and to his people."

"I am sworn to the King," Fesk insisted.

"Of course you are. You even saved him once, executing your duty with great aplomb that day. But I always wondered about that. Pangridi spiders wouldn't survive a journey as long as the overland route to Odona, and the ports of northern Odona would still have been icebound. But a ship docking at Caluna with forged manifests? That way the spider could have still lived to produce its venom."

Fesk stared at the man. "That is quite an accusation."

"I had hoped for more from you," the man said softly. "Look at this man, this King you revere. And see if he is worthy enough for you to have been torn from your mother's breast."

Fesk's head snapped up at that. "What? I was orphaned...." But the man had already gestured, and again there was the burlap sack and the wine blended with dusk oil.

***


When he awoke the next morning, back in his bed, his head felt as though it had been split open with an axe. Being twice subjected to dusk oil would do that.

At breakfast he couldn't help but stare at the King, trying to see some hint of evil in the man he had served for so long. But was that even possible? Could such monstrous nature be writ on a man's visage?

King Yessel smiled and joked through the meal, thoroughly enjoying his quail's eggs fried with sumac and bread baked with apples and cinnamon. Joining him was a group of his closest friends, noblemen all, a generally loutish group whose company Fesk did not particularly enjoy. Nor did he much enjoy his own breakfast, a fact which the King soon noticed.

"Goodness, Taster!" Yessel laughed with his mouth full. "You look as though you have suffered a night of ghosts and grave-wights."

"Forgive me, Your Majesty. I did not sleep well." That was certainly true enough.

"It was a warm evening," Yessel observed. "I prefer my rooms cold as well. Did you hear anything amiss?"

Fesk wiped his mouth carefully, not wishing to show too much interest in this line of questioning. "Amiss, Your Majesty? Amiss how?"

"Some of the guards thought they saw intruders, but they found nothing." The King made a dismissive gesture. "Not even tracks in the mud."

No tracks, Fesk thought. They were good. "No, my King. I saw and heard nothing."

Baron Wythnul, a very rich and pompous man Fesk disliked, laughed out loud. "If there was anyone here last night, Yessel, it was probably a group of commoners seeking perhaps to slit your throat!"

The King laughed too. "They could do worse! Royal blood surely does not stain." More laughter, all around the table.

Fesk had considered asking the King about what the man had said about the Tasters being taken from their mothers, but he could not think of a way to broach the topic in any kind of natural manner. He would not find his answer in the Palace. There had to be another way.

It took him two weeks to come up with a scheme to get out of the Palace long enough to return to the Isle of the Priests and the Venomous Academy. That in and of itself was dangerous; the Code of Obosidor expressly forbade any Taster to ever return to the Isle once recognized, under pain of death. It took him several more weeks to gather up the courage to make the attempt.

After speaking the Release, he dismissed his concubine, tied a bag of Royal coin to his belt, and climbed out his window. Stealing through the Palace grounds, he headed for the read entry to the kitchens, where the merchants brought their shipments of wine, sugar, flour, and many other things. Never was there a time when there was no activity in the kitchens; the King's opulent appetites required that. Fesk hid in some bushes and waited as a wagonload of apple barrels was delivered, the barrels full of apples being taken into the larders and replaced with empty barrels. Fesk thought briefly of hiding in one of them, but he quickly realized that he couldn't seal a barrel from the inside. He decided, instead, to crawl under a loose flap of the wagon's covering, just behind the driver's seat, and hide there amidst the barrels. This he managed to do, and he silently whispered thanks to the God that he was still as stealthy as he had been in his youth. Soon the loading was done, and the wagon began to move. The ride was very bumpy, and Fesk very quickly became nauseous. He had thought of this, though, and chewed a pulsan leaf he had brought with him. This calmed his stomach enough that he didn't have to worry about losing his meal. After a long ride, they finally stopped and Fesk very carefully snuck off the wagon and slipped away into the darkness. He sniffed the air and smelled salt water. They had arrived at the harbor.

It was a short boat ride out to the Isle of the Priests, but at midnight there would be no barge. No matter; he knew that now was when the poorest fishermen would take to the water, heading for the feeding grounds of the Night Porpoises. The Night Porpoises fed just below the cliffs up the coast, where the waters were very treacherous, and they were very hard to catch. Many fishermen had wrecked their boats and died trying to catch one, but the price a single Night Porpoise would return made the risk worthwhile. Fesk suspected that any fisherman desperate enough to try his hand at fishing for a Night Porpoise might also be desperate enough to take him to the Isle of the Priests, and it turned out he was right. The second man he asked agreed, taking half the contents of Fesk's coin bag now and agreeing to take the other half when he picked Fesk up on the Pier one hour before dawn. Fesk only prayed that this fisherman would not join the others who had been dashed against the cliffs and sent to the bottom. A short while later Fesk was on the Isle.

He still knew his way to the Venomous Academy and walked quickly, breathing in the scent of the olive trees. Making his way along the paths, he moved past the Temple of the God and headed for the Academy. When he got close, he walked around to the back of the building, where the gardens were. The gardens were lit by a series of slow-burning torches. Here he hid near an entrance that was never used except for students who were sneaking out after midnight. He was thinking of what to do next when the door opened, the hinges still squeaking after all these years.. Fesk ducked behind a tree just as a young Priest exited the Academy and headed up the path, through the Gardens, toward the Temple. Soon he would pass right in front of Fesk's tree. Strange, Fesk thought. The only Priests in the Academy overnight were the ones reciting the vespers in the chapel. A young Priest leaving in clandestine fashion could mean only one thing, and Fesk smiled grimly; he was grateful for this opportunity but not particularly proud of what he was about to do. He waited for the Priest to go by, and then he stepped around the tree onto the path behind the Priest and cleared his throat. The poor Priest nearly jumped clear of his body as he whirled about, but thankfully he had presence of mind not to shout.

"An intruder!" he exclaimed in a low voice. "Who are you? This is punishable by death!"

"I know," Fesk said, stepping forward. "I lived here once."

"I will shout!" the young man said as he stepped back, keeping his distance. "There are dozens of Priests in earshot."

"Eight dozen, depending on how loudly you call them," Fesk said. "There are ninety-six Priests on the Isle at any one time. And if you shout for them the other ninety-five will wish to know just why a Priest is coming out of this particular door." He stepped forward again and smiled calmly. "I confess my ignorance on current doctrine. How does the Priesthood look upon midnight liaisons between Priests and Tasters? Between men?"

The Priest winced and remained silent.

"I am Fesk Rangol."

"A Taster?" The Priest's jaw dropped. Fesk's name was still famous here. "You have returned to the Isle, to the Academy? That is forbidden!"

"I know," Fesk said. "But there is something I would learn, and I can only learn it here. I would know of my parentage."

The Priest shook his head. His tone became that of a Priest, instead of a scared young man. "What can that matter? You are not young anymore. Go back to the King and serve the God and Obosidor."

"I would know this, and you will help me, or I will shout for your brethren."

The Priest seemed to pale slightly. It was hard to tell in the moonlight. "Entering the Priesthood and serving the God to my highest ability is my only dream," he said. "Such it has always been. Come. We should not talk of these things here." He gestured for Fesk to follow him, and he led the way down to a sandy beach that Fesk remembered well for its clams.

"The first Tasters were found by accident, by the miraculous hand of the God," the Priest began. "It was in a village very far from here, on the Island of Nad."

"I was born on Nad?" Nad was a sacred island owned by the Priesthood.

"All Tasters are. The people of Nad are forbidden to leave the island. Only ships bearing the Seal of the High Priest are allowed to dock. It is a place of the highest piety...."

"Yes, where the God first revealed Himself to man. I do remember the liturgies."

"Yes, I'm sure you do," the Priest said, sounding rebuffed. "The Naddians live there to keep stewardship over the place where Daomon the Prophet, First of Priests, received the revelation. Those people must be pure. Their blood must be clean if they are to properly tend the Hallowed Isle.

"Two hundred years ago, a child was born who was immune to whisperberry. The child was left unattended in the garden by his mother, and he ate four of the berries."

"One will kill an adult male," Fesk said. "Two will kill a horse."

"Some thought it pure chance, but the God never does these things without reason. The Priests knew that to them had been delivered a means of protecting the anointed Kings of all the lands swearing fealty to the Priesthood from poisonous death. That boy became the first Taster, and others were born, but only on Nad and nowhere else. Thus began the Rite of Identification."

Fesk raised an eyebrow quizzically. "The Rite of Identification?"

"In the seventh month of each year, all newborn males on Nad are tested for the immunity. Those who survive are brought here, to become Tasters."

Those who survive.... Fesk felt the blood drain from his face. "They...they kill...." He couldn't finish. How many dead children were there, buried just after birth, so that he could be found? He felt like throwing up.

"You must understand. Before the Tasters poisoning had been the most common means of forcing the Royal Succession, and not just in the Realm. Dynasties were ended by slipping Silver Poppy Extract into a jug of wine. Wars began this way. You might recall the war with Odona some years ago, the war which put Yessel I on the throne."

A quick image flashed through Fesk's mind. A glass vial with a dead spider inside....

"It sounds evil to your ears," the Priest went on. "But the lives of innocents, even babes wrapped in swaddling clothes, have long been given in the names of Kings."

Fesk couldn't look at the Priest. "And Kings serve the will of the God," he said bitterly. "They are his chosen, his anointed. We are their playthings."

"Do not be bitter, Fesk Rangol. Every soul plays a part in the great tapestry that the God weaves, even those whose threads are so short."

"Actors should choose their own parts," Fesk replied. Then he turned and left the Priest alone in the moonlight. His fisherman arrived on schedule and took him back to the mainland. He found a fishmonger heading for the Palace and hid in his wagon. During the ride back, he heard sounds: hoofbeats, men marching. Bells of alarm tolled throughout the city, and there were indistinct shouts of men and soldiers in the distance. There was breaking glass, and there were screams in the darkness. And finally, as the fishmonger's wagon passed under the Palace gates, Fesk smelled smoke mingled with the salt of the breeze from the sea.

***


"I tell you, Your Majesty, the people are getting out of hand." It was Baron Wythnul speaking. "The lawlessness of last night cannot be permitted."

"It shan't be, Baron," King Yessel said, his mouth full. "I've sent the army to gather the instigators. Meantime, we should go to the lodge today. I fancy a fox-hunt." This brought cheerful nods from the King's nobles. They loved hunting.

"Forgive me, Your Majesty," Fesk said. "I have not heard what happened last night."

"Interest, Taster?" The King laughed. "Interest in what happens beyond the Palace walls? Very unlike you."

"True," Fesk admitted. "But I am growing older, and these walls are less comfort to my old bones."

The King laid down his fork and stared at Fesk, with something clearly in mind to say. He merely shook his head. "It seems that some of my subjects are not entirely satisfied. Last night there was an uprising of sorts, a protest against the tax collectors. A group of brigands broke into the Royal Repository and looted it."

"And you are not angry, Your Highness?"

"I am furious, Taster." He smiled coldly. "Fortunately, as King I have an army at my disposal, to make my anger known to the people." Those words made Fesk shiver.

After the meal ended, Fesk joined the King and his Royal Party at the hunting grounds. He seemed to be the only one concerned with the events in the city, finding himself often looking back down toward the sea and the city, where he saw occasional smoke. The King's soldiers were very thorough. When they returned that night Fesk learned just how thorough they had been.

Hundreds had been arrested and thrown into the stockades. The King had ordered public and summary executions. Fifty citizens had been killed that first day, their bodies hung on display along the Palace walls. That stench permeated the Palace, making Fesk and a number of other servants ill. Finally, on the third day, the King ordered the bodies taken down and thrown into the river.

It was one week after the riots that the soldiers captured the leader of the failed tax revolt. The King and his friends thought it would be amusing to confront this man, so the King had him brought before him at dinner. When Fesk saw him, he was surprised that the man did not appear to be a fearsome revolutionary. He was a middle-aged man, rather heavy, his hair and beard tinged with gray. His clothes were stained by soot and flour.

"Look on the revolutionary!" the King crowed. His mouth was full of roast boar. "A breadmaker. I think he will be seeing his ovens closer than he had bargained for, eh?" He laughed, and his attendants joined in. Yessel looked at the Rebel. "Your name, breadmaker."

The man stood straight. "Are you going to torture me for it?" His voice is familiar, Fesk thought.

"I suppose not," the King said, dismissing the thought. "It's not that important. So, Breadmaker: what did you hope to accomplish? Did you have wreaking death upon the people in mind? You brought that on, you and your insurrectionists."

"We wanted what was ours," Breadmaker said. "The money you steal from the people."

"How can the King steal that which is already his by right?" Still the calm smile.

"Your subjects disagree more and more. Someday they will no longer stand for it."

"Nicely said, Breadmaker. But if such a day should ever dawn, it will be long after your death." Still smiling, he gestured for the man to be taken away. Two soldiers stepped forward to remove him.

"It was a pleasure to meet your Taster," the man said, glancing at Fesk as he was escorted away. That was when Fesk recognized him as the man in the chapel the night he had been abducted.

***


Late the night Fesk went to the Palace dungeon, paying his way past the guards with coins and bottles of wine. The dungeon only held one prisoner that night.

"So," the man said, "now you see me without the mask, and I am the one bound." He laughed humorlessly. "What would a Taster wish to discuss? Certainly not bread making."

"The King has been good to me," Fesk said. "Why would I turn against him?"

"Has anyone asked you to?"

"Do not play the fool now," Fesk snapped. "You came to me, looking for a traitor. Why?"

The man sighed. "So this is what becomes of a Naddian child. How sad."

"You talked of medicines before, but you took only money. Why?"

"The medicines will be taken, the night after my execution. The King's soldiers will not be expecting it then. As for the money, we botched that. It was all to be sent to Pangrid."

"Pangrid? Why?"

"Because the Pangridi Potentate has a very strong navy, and a daughter who has designs on her mother's homeland. She would be a just ruler, governed as she is by the religion of the sands rather than that of our own corrupt Priests. If there were turmoil in the Realm when she came -- say, if King Yessel were to die before he names a successor, being childless himself -- the arrival of the Pangridi, led by King Yessel's niece, would be much smoother."

"What are you asking of me?"

The man fixed his gaze on Fesk, studying his face. For some reason, he nodded. Then he shrugged and said, "I ask nothing of you." He turned away and went back to his cot, saying nothing more.

***


Breadmaker was executed the next morning. He was beheaded and his body quartered, the official penalty for such high treason. Fesk found himself thinking often of the man over the next week.

If King Yessel expected the execution to stave off the unrest, he was sorely disappointed. That very night a party of angry citizens stormed one of the ships bearing medicines at the harbor. The ship, which bore the seal of the Govaran Queen, was burned; two of her crew perished. This filled the King with wrath, and he unleashed his soldiers again, commanding them to restore order "in the name of the King". There was much death in Vairece over the next few weeks, and Yessel came to be referred to as Yessel the Black, Yessel the Slayer, and worst of all, the Gelded King. His lack of a successor -- and his known refusal to even take a mate -- became a rallying cry among those certain that, by slaying him, an entire dynasty of evil would be destroyed. Fesk watched all this from the safety of the Palace, and his heart broke to see the fair city of Vairece put to so much damage. And then, one night, a letter was brought to him:

Fesk Rangol, Taster of the Realm,

I write to you to explain things that are best left unsaid until after my passing. I shall make, as my official Final Wish, the delivery of this letter two weeks after my death. I do hope that Clausus, my guard, honors his promise in this matter. He seems an honorable man.

You asked why I came to you, out of all the servants in that Palace. My name should help to answer this question. I am Kassodon Rangol. I am from Nad, and you are my son.

Please see that this is true. I left Nad because I wanted to see you again, to see my son and to follow and watch him. You see, Fesk, you were our only child. A year after you were taken from us we tried again, your mother and I. But this was not to be: neither your mother -- my wife -- nor your sister survived that night. I was alone, and my thoughts turned finally to the son I had seen taken away.

I waited for so long, saving my money for the journey. I was able to sneak onto one of the ships, and thus I came to Vairece. Here I lived, soon learning that you were serving Yessel. How proud I was when you saved his life! Yes, pride, even though you served the family that had taken you from me, as I have now been taken from you.

Know this, my son: Despite only seeing you twice and neither time in light, I see your mother in you. She would be proud of you, though she missed her one son all the short days she had left. Her heart cried for all the Mothers of the Seventh Month.

Know also, son, that Pangrid and Jurona, allies once again after hundreds of years, wait for the right moment to come across the sea.

I shall always be proud of you, my son, no matter what you decide.

In all things are endings,

Your Father.


Fesk reread the letter and then sat for a long time. In all things are endings: a proverb of the God. Fesk preferred An empty plate is both a beginning and an end. He thought long, for many days, over the words of a father lost, found, and lost again. The deaths continued to mount in the city and Vairece was no longer beautiful. Word came that unrest had spread to Caluna as well.

Finally, on the day when the King decreed a great feast to happen the next night, a feast for the Royal Ambassador of Pangrid, Fesk made a decision. That night he made his second forbidden journey to the Isle of the Priests and the Venomous Academy.

***


"Now, this is certainly a surprise." King Yessel said. "Do come in, Taster." He stepped out of the way, allowing Fesk to come into his personal chambers.

"Thank you, Your Highness," Fesk said as he entered. "I hope that you will forgive this intrusion on your private time. I found sleeping difficult; my old bones ache."

"Don't complain to me of your old bones, Taster. Mine outnumber yours by fifteen years." He smiled. "Come. I see you have edibles." He looked at the bottle of wine and loaf of dark bread in Fesk's hands. "Sit with me under the star dome." He led Fesk to a pair of couches that reclined under a large glass dome through which the stars could be seen in the night sky. Fesk put the wine and bread on a table between the couches and fetched two goblets from a nearby shelf. Then, after pouring the wine and breaking the bread the two men lay on the couches and looked up at the stars.

"Shall we speak the Resumption?" Fesk asked as he settled back.

King Yessel waved a hand of dismissal. "We have no need of that, Taster."

"As you wish," Fesk replied softly. If the King had been watching, he might have seen Fesk's ears turn slightly red. As it was, the King only had eyes for the stars.

"Do you know the constellations, Taster?" the King asked as he sipped his wine.

"A few," Fesk said, sipping himself. "There is the Spear of Langanar."

"Yes, I like that one very much." Yessel sipped again. "Before the Priesthood, men believed that the stars controlled their fates. Some still believe that." There was a moment of silence. Then the King spoke again. "I have seen the expressions on your face, Taster. The anger at my policies. The disdain in your eyes, which you struggle so valiantly to hide."

Fesk chewed a bite of bread as the King continued.

"Do you think me a monster, Taster? Do you think of me in the way my subjects do?"

Fesk shifted uncomfortably. "I serve you, Your Highness."

"Yes, you do," the King agreed, sipping the wine and chewing his own bread. "But even though the Taster performs his duties, perhaps you have had certain….thoughts. Thoughts which would test your faith in the strength of Kings."

Fesk sipped his wine. "In the many years I have served, Your Highness has never shown interest in what I think."

"It is, at best, a sporting interest, Taster. What would it take for a man like you to betray me, I wonder?"

Somehow Fesk remained calm. He focused on his own breathing. The King kept talking.

"More wealth than any man can offer, I think." Yessel shifted on his couch. "That is why I like you, Taster. You are loyal like a dog. You even subsist on my table scraps!" He laughed at his joke. Fesk did not. "Ah, the stars," the King went on, changing subjects. "They shine each night, not noticing the evils that take place among men. Do you think that the stars sit in judgment of us? That they are our moral arbiters?"

Fesk looked at the King. In the dim light he appeared pale. "The God is our arbiter, Your Highness."

"Ah, yes," King Yessel nodded. "The God. How we all believe in him, and yet no one realizes that we created him. The God, indeed….I should have to kill every person in Vairece merely to gain his attention. But the stars, twinkling with such permanence -- how can we stand before them and refuse their will? I do their bidding….and still you disapprove."

Fesk put his glass down and faced the King, sitting upright. Yessel merely lolled his head to meet Fesk's gaze.

"Stop this madness, King Yessel," Fesk said, leaning forward as he spoke. "This cannot go on. You cannot kill your people like this. Be a just King."

King Yessel smiled lazily. "Were it not for the warmth of this wine, I would have you executed for such talk. But I think you shall live, at least until your palate fades. Then there shall be the most solemn ceremony. The death of a Taster. How tragic that would be. A fine palate, wasted...." Suddenly he snapped his head up, and there was anger in his eyes. "You are a stupid man, Taster," he said with shocking vehemence. "You implore me to spare these wretches? They must know the will of their King. There is a price to pay for the King's anger. Men such as you never understand." He lay back down and glared at the stars.

"Perhaps not," Fesk said quietly. "But there are other prices to be paid."

The King snorted and waved a hand of dismissal. "Go, Taster. I thank you for your wine and for your bread, but I tire of your company. I will sleep now."

"Will you not retire to your bed, Majesty?"

The King was silent for a moment before answering in an already drowsy voice. "I think I shall sleep beneath the stars." He said nothing, and soon he was lightly snoring. Fesk sat by him for a long while, never averting his gaze from the man it had been his fate to serve for so many years. There were two fates decided there that night under a canopy of stars.

King Yessel's breathing became shallower. Fesk wondered at the man there on the couch. How could such cruelty and arrogance be vested in the same body as such love of beautiful things? How could such a palate serve a man so unworthy of the finest meals? Fesk offered his question to the God, but he took his answer from the stars. And as the sun began to rise, its golden light pushing the stars away, Fesk rose from the side of King Yessel I.

Fesk went to the door and opened it. To the guard there he said, "Come quickly. Obosidor has forsaken."

***


After the passing of King Yessel I five different nobles laid claim to the throne. They were the same nobles who had been the King's friends and had come to each of his parties; how easily the amity of those grand feasts turned to enmity. It seemed to all that the Realm might dissolve into civil war, until a Royal Ambassador came from Pangrid bearing the news of the impending arrival of the Pangridi fleet. The ships would also be carrying the troops of Jurona, and Princess Dirwana II would arrive to assume the throne. Until then he, the Royal Ambassador and Official Bearer of the Seal of Dirwana II, would act as Regent. He cautioned each of the nobles not to oppose him, for the Realm could not possibly survive such a conflict. In a rare display of reason, none of them did. And through it all, the King's Taster remained in the dungeon. It would be the duty of the new Queen to deal with him.

With the backing of he father's fleet and thousands of Juronan soldiers, not one person stood in her way. He first official act as Queen was to have the former Royal Taster blinded for his betrayal. A traitor was a traitor. But she apparently owed him some gratitude, and thus she had him banished to a far away island. Her second act was to free the people of Nad and end the business of breeding Tasters. The Priesthood was weakened, and they abandoned the Isle in the Vairece harbor, although they still maintained their hold over the remaining rulers across the continent. The Venomous Academy was destroyed and a temple built to the God From The Sands.

Thus the Realm of Gonn became one with Pangrid, by the hand of a Taster. The history that followed is very bloody, of course; but how often throughout the ages has so much turned on the actions of a single man? In truth, more often than the historians would admit.

***


Fesk Rangol died three decades later, not knowing -- and little caring -- what had happened since he had forced the Royal Succession. Historians looking through his papers, after they were at last unsealed by the Priesthood on the third centennial of his death, found two letters that were of particular interest. One was apparently written to Fesk by his father, with whom he would have been forbidden by Holy Law to contact. The other, in Fesk's own hand, was addressed simply: "To those Who Come After".

Obosidor did not forsake that night. Let him not be blamed. The food was not poisoned. Neither would the King have been, had he chosen to speak the Resumption. The choice was offered; he refused.

It had to happen that night. The letters I exchanged with the Pangridi ambassador made that plain. I had to do the deed so as to prevent the Realm from being plunged into a war it could not have won; but I also had to act to prevent a war amongst the terrible men the King counted amongst his friends.

There is a chamber, a vault, in the Venomous Academy where the most lethal of poisons are kept. These defy the immunity of even the strongest Taster; they always kill. The Priests kept the knowledge of these strictly; if they were discovered by the people, then the Tasters would be neutered. The Priesthood is, and ever has been, very good at keeping knowledge for itself when it deems it necessary.

One of these poisons was a powder whose origin I do not know. This powder did not need to be eaten, or even breathed. To touch it alone causes death. Do not wonder how I acquired it; those details do not matter. What matters is that it was a simple job, really, to dust it onto the King's goblet. He passed slowly, quietly, and with some dignity. Even then I could not bear to visit upon him suffering akin to that which he visited upon his people. Is that a failing? Only the God and the stars can know.

I served Yessel I well for many years. At last, it was time for me to serve the Realm, for the Realm is greater than any Taster, Breadmaker, or even any King.

In hopes of my mother's pride and my father's forgiveness,

Fesk Rangol.


An empty plate is both a beginning and an end.

--Finis--

Pumpkins Ahoy!

This past weekend, the family and I traveled southward into Western New York's Southern Tier for our annual excursion to Pumpkinville. It was a colder and windier day than usual, so our visit was quite a bit more briskly executed than we normally pull off, but we still had a good time. We bought our Halloween pumpkin there, along with a little jar of maple cream spread, some maple cotton candy, a big bag of farm-grown apples, and two dozen pumpkin donuts with cinnamon sugar. (The donuts didn't last more than a day, I feel no shame at all in admitting.)

Since the weather was so icky, the day didn't afford as many opportunities for taking good photos as I'd hoped, but I did get a few nice shots of The Wife, The Daughter, and Little Quinn that I have organized into a new Flickr photoset, here. Go have a look.

(Interestingly, Little Quinn handled Pumpkinville quite well, given that it was cold and he was bundled up and we pushed him on plain old ground in his stroller for two hours. He's a tough little bugger.)

Monday, October 10, 2005

Sentential Links #20

(Read by the LAW AND ORDER voiceover guy)

In the world of the Internet, the most penetrating insights are committed by the members of the elite Special Bloggers' Unit, who use words to craft posts of interest to many. These are their sentences.

CHUNK-CHUNK

(Yeah, that sounded like a funnier idea before I did it. Oh well....)

:: Andrew Thomas was born on 10/04/05 at 5:00 PM. He is 7 lbs. 1 oz. and 19.5 inches long. Mom and baby are both healthy and recovering well. Stay tuned for a full Labor & Delivery report once Kellie is closer to normal strength. (HUZZAH!!)

:: This morning President Bush named an actual blank slate to fill Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's place on the Supreme Court. "This slate has served me well," said Bush, "and it will make a heckuva great Supreme Court judge."

The slate, which has never been a judge before, has a long history with President Bush, dating back to his days when it hung in an office at the Governor's Mansion in Texas. "That slate did a good job," said Bush. "It held whatever we wanted to it to. This is an excellent slate."
(Why do I always forget to read Tom Burka? The guy is hilarious.)

:: People experience various forms of art (music, theater, painting, sculpture, dance, gourmet cooking) for one or more of the following purposes:
1) to be seen looking cultural
2) to entertain themselves
3) to exercise their emotions
4) to exercise their cognitive abilities
5) to explore the limits of their perceptions

Any discourse on art should address one or more of these purposes.
(I should probably bookmark this one, because it sounds like something I should say more about. Consider this just a pointer to something interesting, for now.)

:: Unfortunately, I also think that so far the science has had almost no effect on public opinion. That's the root problem, I think—the generally low level of scientific literacy in this country is the most troubling long-term issue we face. (I agree with Dr. Myers, one hundred percent. Technology springs from science, but even as society becomes more and more rooted in technology for its basic infrastructure, it's also becoming more and more ignorant of what science has taught us, and more basically, what science is. This is a kind of cognitive dissonance underlying our society, and it may well lead to some serious problems down the road.)

:: For the love of God and baby Jesus, leave the button down collar behind. (This is a relatively new blog about fashion that I found quite by accident, and I was amused to see that on the basis of just his third post ever that the contents of my closet would have him recoiling in abject horror. Oh well, we all can't be fashion minded!)

:: It is monstrous when one cares but little about trees but much about Corinthian columns, and yet this is exceedingly common. (OK, this is probably cheating. But it's from a blog, so it counts. Also check out the Thoreau blogger's poetry blog, which has some neat pictures accompanying the verse. Link to the Thoreau Blog via Simian Farmer.)

:: [T]the national anthem of Japan should be changed to the original theme song of Uchuusenkan Yamato. (This is the start of a series of posts over at The Tensor's, called "This I Believe". Funny stuff, so far. I look forward to future installments.)

:: Brides do not control the heavens.

:: I think...that almost everyone arrives at a point in his or her life at which he or she realizes, "I am woefully ignorant." (Actually, in my case, I arrive at that point almost hourly, and in my case, instead of saying "I am woefully ignorant", the thought takes the form: "My God, I am a complete moron." That's me, Socrates with self-esteem issues. Wonderful post, by the way.)

:: One day, when my father was still relatively new on the job as town supervisor, he and I were talking about what he hoped to accomplish and there was a point when he was explaining to me why he was thinking about running for the State Senate when his eyes lit up and a sly smile spread across his face, and I swear, at that moment, although probably just for that moment, my father saw his path clear to the Governorship. (This is actually the first sentence of Part Two of a longer, two-part posting. Read Part One first. I'm coming to see Lance Mannion Jr. as Left Blogistan's less-verbose answer to Bill Whittle.)

All for this week. Fade to credits.

Squish the Fish!

I only watched one quarter of yesterday's Bills-Dolphins game, and that was at an Applebee's; the rest of the game I followed sporadically on the radio while driving from shopping destination to destination. The general consensus in these parts seems to be that benching J.P. Losman in favor of Kelly Holcomb gave the Bills the added spark they needed to put up a 20-14 victory.

I don't really agree. Holcomb only made a couple of plays of the type that have been eluding Losman, the quick-read, quick-decision throws. Holcomb's numbers weren't all that amazing, and the Bills' defense still looked very susceptible to the run and unable to hold on third down. What made them win the game, frankly, was a stunning display of poor discipline and ball handling by the Dolphins, who committed 18 penalties and 5 turnovers. So I'm glad the Bills won, but so far as I can tell, nothing happened in this game to make me believe that the ship has been righted and that the playoffs beckon.

I didn't pay a lot of other attention to the NFL, except to note that the Stupid Patriots have still given up more points than anybody in the AFC. If this lasts, the threepeat is as good as gone. Not that this will break my heart any, of course!

Sunday Monday Burst of Weirdness

Yesterday's planned Burst of Weirdness was delayed a day, so here it is: a guy who has had a lot of plastic surgeries. I mean, a lot of plastic surgeries. As in, thirty of 'em. And the money he's spent? A quarter of a million dollars. Any why?

"When you're in Hollywood, you have to keep yourself together and looking good to extend your career."

An actor? Nope. He's a hairstylist and makeup artist. He's not even one of those "body modification" types, the ones with the forked tongues and teeth filed to points and the like.

Story here, with photos of a guy who's spent thousands upon thousands of dollars, and who knows how many hours under the knife, to look like a blend of Max Headroom and those androgenous models from Robert Plant's "Addicted To Love" video.

Musical Linkage

Here are a few good links to music stuff I've found on the Web the last week or so:

:: NPR did an interview yesterday with film composer Howard Shore, available here. The major part of the interview centers on Shore's most recent work, the score to David Cronenberg's film A History of Violence; in that portion of the interview, Shore describes how his collaborations with Cronenberg (this is the eleventh film they've done together) works, and how Shore establishes a melody for a certain character and then permutes that melody throughout the film as the character develops. He also describes the role of film music in establishing setting, saying that part of the composer's job is to take the filmgoer to the site of the story.

The second portion has Shore reflecting a bit on the phenomenon that was The Lord of the Rings. Shore believes that LOTR was the sum total of everything he knew about music up to that point in his career, and he speaks of the score (he clearly considers his LOTR work to constitute a single, giant score) with the tone that a proud father uses when referring to his son.

:: John links this story about a homeless man with a musical gift:

For months, Nathaniel Anthony Ayers had been excited about an invitation to see the Los Angeles Philharmonic in action at Disney Hall. "The anticipation is horrible," he told me a week before the designated day. He'd started showering daily at a shelter, he said, to gussy himself up as much as possible.

Nathaniel was a music student more than 30 years ago at the prestigious Juilliard School when he suffered a breakdown. Today, as he continues to battle the schizophrenia that landed him on skid row, music is one of the few things that inspires and consoles him.

He plays violin and cello for hours each day in downtown Los Angeles, lifting his instruments out of an orange shopping cart on which he has written:

"Little Walt Disney Concert Hall — Beethoven."


What a story.

:: I can't remember where I saw this linked, so if I'm not crediting someone, I apologize, but here is a long but fascinating article about conductor Wilhelm Furtwangler, one of the great conductors of the early 20th century -- and a controversial figure whose ties to the German Nazi regime were complex, and often taken for support.

Berlin. October 7, 1944. A typical day toward the end of the Third Reich. Soldiers die. Civilians suffer. Jews are murdered. Nothing special.

In the Beethovensaal a concert is about to begin,Wilhelm Furtwangler conducting but the theater is empty, relieved of its usual audience studded with Nazi elite seeking a brief cultured respite from the stresses of war. The Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra is on stage, awaiting its cue. Conductor Wilhelm Furtwängler stands awkwardly on the podium. The vague meandering of his baton summons the first shadowy note of Bruckner's Ninth Symphony. A Radio Berlin engineer starts his Magnetophon. The most extraordinary orchestral recording of the century has just begun.



Back in my days of collecting music on LPs and cassettes, I owned a number of Furtwangler's recordings. Trouble was, I didn't really have the ear at the time to discern their quality (especially because they were all in mono). I should track down some of Furtwangler's work again one of these days. I recall reading in a book called The Great Conductors that Furtwangler's beat was extremely unorthodox, to the point that many orchestras had enormous difficulty in following him. He apparently crafted his beat to match musical phrases rather than the metrical demands of the time signature and the bar line.

Anyway, check these links out.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Good thing she bought a notebook big enough....

Last night The Wife and I watched The Notebook, a tearjerker romance movie that came out a year or so ago. It came heavily recommended by a number of friends of mine, and I did like it, although not as much as they all did. I was a decent rental, but I'm glad I didn't try to see it in the theater.



(Spoilers follow!)



The movie opens with an old guy in a nursing home, played by James Garner, sitting down to read to an old woman (played by Gena Rowlands). He's reading the story of two people (Noah and Allie) who met and fell in love in their pre-World War II youths sixty years or so before, and as the film goes on, it becomes clear that the Garner and Rowlands characters are that same couple, in their old age, with Old Allie suffering from Alzheimer's or some similar ailment that is destroying her memories. Garner reads to her in an effort to reconnect with her, and apparently while most times it doesn't work, Old Allie does have good days when she does remember who the nice man who's come to read to her actually is. (Of course, the movie takes place during one of the good days.)

The main problem I had with The Notebook was that the story of the youthful Noah and Allie is really little more than your standard movie romance, chock-full of so many cliches that it's frankly amazing to me that the film works at all. He's a blue-collar guy who dreams of buying the rundown plantation so he can restore it to its old glory; she's the spoiled rich family's daughter with the mother who looks down her nose at Noah. They have a fairly clicheed meeting, when Noah spots Allie at a county fair, is asking her out within minutes, and is performing some kind of weird stunt to earn her affections within minutes after that. It's just your basic "Guy from the wrong side of the tracks" kind of tale, that for the most part plays out with not too many surprises. Of course the two lovers are going to have a major fight when the family moves away for the year; of course young Noah's going to go off to World War II; of course they're both going to move onto to other things and other loves before they meet again almost by pure, dumb luck.

It's the film's framing device, with Old Noah reading the tale of their romance to Old Allie, that makes the film more than just an exercise in romantic cliche. However, I almost think that I would have liked it better if the ending had somehow revealed that James Garner wasn't Old Noah, but the older version of the man Allie left, or might have left. This would have made the ending terribly haunting, as a man who (presumably) led a happy life with Allie only to see her lose her memories works so hard to reconnect with her, and only succeeds in making her reconnect with the other guy. Oh, well. (It would have helped if the film's ending, which seems almost mystical, had been more grounded in the film's subtext to that point, which seems to have had nothing to do with the "magic" and "unending timelessness" of love. Also, I didn't feel a great deal of convincing chemistry between Young Noah and Young Allie.)

This theme of the relationship between memory and love was dealt with much more effectively in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. But this film has its charms, too. It's not a bad film, by any means -- but it felt, for the most part, like an interesting story within a "paint by numbers" film.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Light posting ahead

Updates to Byzantium's Shores will be lighter than usual this weekend, as I'm doing stuff with The Family. The Wife has a very rare entire weekend off, so we'll be taking advantage. Today we're going to brave the crappy weather in order to perform our annual trip to Pumpkinville (one of those little "fall festivals" that are all over the place this time of year), and then we're joining my parents for dinner in a bar/restaurant in a small Western New York town. And since tomorrow The Daughter will be staying with the grandparents into Monday, I'll have a day just to spend with The Wife and Little Quinn. So, writing posts probably won't be a priority until Monday. (That's not to say I won't post at all, however.) In fact, I may end up not watching the Bills-Dolphins game, which is quite a thing given that Bills-Dolphins is always an event in these parts.

(BTW, starting Kelly Holcomb is just a bad idea. We learn by doing, not by sitting on the bench. Losman should be in there. And my football loving friends at The Store and I have reached a consensus: if tomorrow, with Holcomb in there in place of Losman, is the day when the Bills' coaches finally decide to rush Willis McGahee 35 times, we're going to personally storm One Bills Drive with torches, tar, and feathers.)

How to Buy Cheap DVDs

Bill Smith, one of the moderators/administrators of the FSM boards, wrote a long post the other day about strategies for bolstering one's DVD collection for less. You can read it here. Some of this I can vouch for, some of it I can't, but it's all interesting.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Is the guy making a sweater or something?

Starting last night, eleven consecutive posts at Eschaton were place-holders for open comments threads. I don't hang around comments threads much, so can anyone tell me if Atrios really needs that many open threads? I'm just wondering. The guy has a lot of open threads.

What's on?

Over at Tosy and Cosh, John lists the TV shows he watches, by night. And of course, it only seems right that I do the same. So, here's what I watch when new episodes are in the offing. (During re-run times or if there's no "special event" programming that I want to watch, I'll either watch a movie or turn the TV off entirely.) This is also subject to change depending on shifting timeslots and the January returns of American Idol and Scrubs.

Monday: For some reason, I've become addicted to Antiques Roadshow, which is on PBS at 8:00. (Even more strangely, The Daughter has also developed a love of this show.) You can really learn a lot watching these shows, and it's fun to wonder at the stories behind these artefacts and the long-gone businesses that manufactured them. It's like a game show coupled with a glimpse into an earlier time. At 9:00 we do bedtime, and then I basically watch nothing until 10:00 when I watch CSI: Miami.

Tuesday: At 8:00, I've become a serious fan of Nova. Last week's show about a giant lake that formed millenia ago in upper Idaho and Montana, dammed by a glacier, was terribly interesting, and this week's show -- about the Japanese battleship Yamato, which was the largest battleship ever built and of which I had never heard until Nova came on. At 9:00, I've recently watched House and enjoyed it immensely, although I've only seen three episodes, and the show is likely off the air until November due to baseball playoff action.

Wednesday: Nothing until 9:00, when I watch The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. (Nope, I don't watch Lost.) At 10:00 it's CSI: New York, although I'm not terribly enthusiastic about this link in the CSI franchise.

Thursday: Well, I watch Joey, but not too enthusiastically. (It's certainly no Friends, although it's not exactly bad.) Then at 9:00 I tape CSI while watching The Apprentice. And as recent readers know, my 10:00 slot has recently become open. If The Wife still wants to watch ER, I'll read books or blogs during that time.

Friday: Movie night. Nothing at all is on that interests me.

Saturday: This is slowly turning into "Music Night" in our apartment. Buffalo's NPR station has two hours of Celtic music starting at 6:00 (coupling Fiona Ritchie's wonderful Thistle and Shamrock with a local production called Celtic Kaleidoscope), followed by Marian McPartland's amazing Piano Jazz. (If you've never listened to Piano Jazz, and you like the idea of wonderful two-person jazz improv coupled with insightful interviews, track this show down and give it a lesson. It's just wonderful.) I try to stay up for Saturday Night Live, which is halfway decent again these days (the good sketches are side-splitting, while the bad sketches are cover-your-eyes bad).

Sunday: Football, football, football! Then, The Daughter adores America's Funniest Videos. At 8:00 is The West Wing (which, so far this year, I've found as energetic and good as Aaron Sorkin's best years, even if the show is a little too dependent on today's headlines), and then at 9:00 I tape Desperate Housewives, which I then watch with The Wife when she gets home from work. (Yes, I love Desperate Housewives. It is, in my eyes, a terrific blend of soap-opera melodrama and darkly sarcastic humor.)

I follow a lot fewer shows these days, and this year I've only picked up one new show , House. (Well, two if you count The Apprentice: Martha Stewart.)

(By the way, a bit of a rant on the contestants on The Apprentice: when are these people going to realize that approaching this show as though it's Survivor in a business setting is a sure ticket to losing? Every week, the losing Project Manager opts to bring into the final board room meeting those team members he/she is trying to get eliminated, rather than the team members who are directly accountable for the team's losing that week. For example, last night's episode of Martha Stewart had the two teams designing a wedding cake and then selling it to couples. One team failed to sell a single cake, and yet, the Project Manager refused to bring in the team members whom he had placed in charge of sales. The contestants make this mistake constantly.)

Beers to you, old amigo!

PSoTD seems to be less than enthusiastic about a new pumpkin-flavored beer from Anheuser-Busch:

Okay, okay, okay, enough with the freakin' seasonal flavored beers. We get it. You want to sell beer for Halloween parties and Thanksgiving get-togethers. Okay, okay, okay.

What's next for Anheuser-Busch? Putting toys in the bottom of each case of beer? Making "3-D" bottles so drinkers can see an image inside each Bud? Bottlecap Bingo?

How about just trying to make some good "no special occasion" beer instead of the soulless brews that they currently blanket the market? There's already a zillion specialty flavored brews out on there. Is AB planning to compete on price? Because I find it hard to believe they will be competitive on flavor...

No word yet on the flavors of the other seasons. Easy suspects for winter: Egg Nog, Candy Cane, New Year's Day Dry Heave... any other suggestions for the other seasons?


Well, that's great, because it leaves more beer for me! I had some pumpkin-flavored beer a few years ago, and I liked it a lot. But then, I'm the same guy who thought Pepsi Holiday Spice was just the best-tasting stuff ever, so I'm sure I may well be in a minority here. But I do love the flavor of pumpkin in general; at The Store we have a pumpkin flavored coffee that is just wonderful.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Hooray!

I'm watching this new CBS show Close to Home -- and I'm probably not liking it enough to watch it regularly, although you never know -- and I saw something cool. The premise of the pilot is that an assistant district attorney (played by Jennifer Finnigan) is returning to work after her maternity leave, whereupon she takes on a case that seems open-and-shut but really isn't. Nothing really earth-shaking, but the show establishes that this woman has a baby at home, and in an early scene, she is depicted as finishing up with a breastmilk pump while at work.

That was seriously cool. You don't usually see this kind of thing on TV shows.

A surgeon and a doc, above it all....

John took umbrage to my rant about ER the other day, and wrote a rebuttal on his own blog. Mostly, it's just differences of opinion, which aren't terribly interesting in themselves; John still finds the characters interesting, whereas I'm tremendously bored with most of the storylines and characters. I agree, actually, with John that the best stories are the ones involving Pratt and Abby. Pratt has always been well-written, ever since he showed up (although I miss the dynamic between him and Dr. Gallant, whose approach was totally different), while it took the writers a while to stop piling crap on Abby (at least, since I'm not watching the damn show anymore, I won't have to sit through the next Sally Field cameo).

But I certainly don't agree on Morris, which just smacks of incompetent storytelling to me. The ER has had its "villains" in the past (Kerry Weaver, Robert Romano), but those characters were (and, in the case of Kerry, since she's still alive, still are) well-rounded. We know they're good doctors; we know something of their lives and struggles; they're not just foils for comic relief or an all-purpose annoyance factor for the other characters. Morris has never been depicted as competent at anything (in fact, in earlier seasons he has both quit med school and been caught sneaking a puff on a joint on the job -- good thing for him, I suppose, that a helicopter dropped on Romano's head before he could fire Morris when that one happened), and yet, now we're expected to believe that he's suddenly managed to uncover enough competence to impress people who already know that he sucks enough to promote him to Chief Resident. I'm sorry, but that's just bad storytelling. It violates the cardinal rule, "Show, don't tell". Morris is nothing more than a cartoon character.

I think that Neela vaccilates between interesting and, well, not. She's all over the map. One episode, she's lecturing one of her other fellow med students about bedside manner; next episode, she's demonstrating no bedside manner whatsoever. And I don't find Sam the nurse interesting in the slightest degree. She's been dragging the exact same set of problems around with her since her character first walked onto the set. There's no growth there, no nothing -- just the same kind of vaccilating between being warm and incredibly cold depending on the whim of the writers on that particular day. John cites these characters for their consistency, but I don't see that at all; sometimes they seem to have grown, other times they seem to have not grown at all; sometimes, in the case of Sam, they seem to have regressed.

John also says that the show can remain fresh, theoretically, because the roster of potential medical problems for the ER to face can never be exhausted. Well, maybe not -- but the way they can be treated within the constraints of a 44-minute TV show certainly can be exhausted. The med stuff seems to play out roughly the same way, each time out: the bay doors crash open, in comes the gurney with the EMTs rattling off lots of jargon, then into a trauma room where pulse ox is taken and pints of O-neg are strung up and so on. X-rays are fretted over. Maybe a student can't quite figure it out, so an attending asks leading questions. Maybe the student can answer them (indicating their growing confidence), or maybe they can't (indicating their still-lacking confidence). Maybe a family member walks in, or maybe the patient freaks out and yanks out the IV and bleeds all over the place, or maybe if it's a multiple trauma a family member's on the exam table in the next room over and sees their loved one in Trauma One and starts shrieking their name. Maybe a surgical consult is taken, or maybe the patient goes into defib. Maybe the arrogant doc gets the patient's heart beating again, or maybe the doc -- who could be anyone -- becomes so emotionally invested that they continue CPR compressions for a period long past when braindeath has occurred. And then someone says softly, "Luka..." or "Pratt..." or "Abby..." and they stop compressions, sigh, give the time of death and then angrily strip off their latex gloves. The medical portions of the show are almost as dependent upon formula as Law and Order. So, at this point, for me the show has to be about characters, and they just don't hold my interest anymore.

But that is all neither here nor there. What I really disagree with in John's post is his assumption as to what's behind my current dislike of ER:

Many, Jaquandor included, took in last week's episode, which centered around a pregnancy in crisis, and immediately compared it, unfavorably, to the infamous "Dr. Greene loses a pregnant mother episode" from an early season. I'm always suspicious when you hear the refrain "it was better then." Memory has a way of coloring our experiences heavily; how many people insist that their favorite band's best work was done--how coincidentally--when they first got into them?


Echoing John, to this I say, "Feh."

First off, it's worth noting that I haven't been down on ER completely for the seven or eight years or whatever it's been since the original cast started defecting; in fact, I thought it had a brilliant episode just two short years ago. Beyond that, I thought the episode in which the ER learned of Dr. Greene's death is one of the very best the show has had, and I thought last year's two-parter with Dr. Gallant returning briefly from Iraq was good as well.

(John also lumps me in, several times, with lots of other people who are ripping on the show. I wouldn't know who those are, since it's not like I participate in any way in ER fandom, if it exists. And I certainly haven't noticed any search engine hits along the lines of "ER sucks", so maybe John could share a link or two. My comments on ER are mine alone, and certainly not meant to be any kind of "received wisdom".)

But going deeper, I find John's dismissal of my opinion as mere nostalgia rather convenient; it's as if he simply wants to disqualify in advance any belief I may hold that Drs. Ross and Greene were more interesting than the Shane West character or Dr. Morris or whomever. "Ah, that's just nostalgia," goes the refrain -- which means that the question of whether or not the show's stories really are as good as ever can be safely set aside. This is baffling to me, and I'm troubled to think of an instance where I really think that some cultural artifact was at its best at the time that I first got into it. The X-Files? Nope -- I started watching faithfully in Season Three, and I thought it was at its best in Seasons Five and Six. Millennium? Season Two. Star Trek? I watched the Original Series all the time as a kid -- but I think that Deep Space Nine was its most consistently good incarnation. I watched NYPDBlue from the series premiere until its series finale last year, and its best work came in its fourth and fifth years, when Jimmy Smits was on board and the chemistry between him and Dennis Franz had been worked out. I watched Frasier from the first year, and loved it until near its end (in fact, I stopped watching it not because I didn't like it anymore but because it was up against 24, and I faithfully watched the last half of its last season, finding it brilliant again), and I think its best work came when the writers stopped playing games with Niles and Daphne. The Simpsons? I don't know, since I haven't watched it regularly in a year either, but I think the recent work that I have watched is often very good indeed. James Bond? I first saw him in action in Moonraker, but my persistent belief is that the best Bond movie was made two years before I was born. My first Van Halen album was 1984, but my favorite album of theirs is still 5150, three years and one lead singer later. And I've never been one to cry about the lack of a Han Solo character in the Star Wars prequels. I could go on.

The problem with a show like ER is that it's clearly designed to be an "interchangeable ensemble" show, which is nothing new. ER actually replaced one such show, in LA Law, which incidentally didn't do its best stuff in the first years I watched it, either. But it fell victim to the same kind of thing that I think now afflicts ER: storytelling paralysis coupled with boring and, occasionally, just plain bad characterization. When the ER producers started bringing in new characters, some were hits (Kerry Weaver, Abby, Elizabeth Korday), others were misses (whatever that woman's name Peter Benton went off with, "Dr. Dave", Lucy Knight). They had it going pretty well again just a couple of years ago, but then I started to feel the chemistry going again, and now I think the chemistry's pretty much nonexistent in the current roster. Ultimately, I don't think John's charge of nostalgia goes anywhere. We're just left, then, with a difference of opinion: I'm bored by the show as it is now, and I am therefore changing my channel. I'm not lobbying for its cancellation or anything (my call for cancellation in the last post on the subject was meant to echo the show's recurrent theme of government budget cuts threatening County Hospital's existence), and since I think I'm quite capable of rising above any feelings of "nostalgia" I may have for the early seasons, we still have a mere difference of opinion. John thinks that the show is still great, can go on for an indeterminate number of years, and would be well-received if it premiered this year, as it is. I disagree.

Which is why this Thursday at ten he'll be watching ER, and I'll be reading a book. Who's better off? No one, really: he still has a show he likes, and I'm free of a show I don't like anymore. Sounds like we both win.

I called it!

In my football summation post from yesterday, I noted the absurdity of the Bills punting with four minutes left and trailing by more than two scores, and I predicted that today Gregg Easterbrook would mention it in his TMQ column, Well, can I call 'em or what?

Why Are You Punting???????????: Trailing 16-7 with 4:21 remaining, Buffalo faced fourth-and-5 on its 35; in came the punting unit. Sure fourth-and-5 is a tough down, but you trail by two scores with the sun setting on the game: all New Orleans had to do was go three-and-out and the clock situation would become impossible. It took the Saints only four snaps to get past the point where they would have been had the Bills gone for it and missed anyway. Two weeks ago, the Bills trailing by 13 on the final play of the third quarter, coach Mike Mularkey ordered a punt from the opposition 39, signaling his players it was okay to quit on the game -- that the priority was containing the margin of defeat. Again this week Mularkey seemed more concerned with containing the margin of defeat, thus deflecting criticism from himself, then trying all-out to win. Tuesday Morning Quarterback asks: if Bill Belichick is trailing 16-7 with 4:21 remaining and facing fourth-and-5, is there even one chance in a million he sends in the punt unit?


And I also noted that the Bills really need to find some new blood for the offensive line -- in fact, it's my belief that this is the greatest reason why the Bills are in an 0-5 playoff drought the last five seasons (and likely to go 0-6). Here's what Easterbrook had to say on that subject:

Worst Blocks: In my preseason preview, I noted Buffalo management's strange indifference to the team's need for offensive linemen. During the past five drafts, the Bills have invested eight No. 1 and No. 2 picks in the glamour positions of quarterback, running back and wide receiver; against only one first- or second-round pick invested in blockers. It's showing, as the Bills so far have a cover-your-eyes-awful offensive line. With the score close in Week 3, Buffalo failed to convert a fourth-quarter fourth-and-1 in opposition territory; the Bills offensive line got zero push. In a close game on Sunday, Buffalo failed to convert a fourth-quarter fourth-and-1 in opposition territory; five Saints hit the runner in the backfield! These were the decisive plays in Buffalo's past two losses, and on both the offensive line might as well have brought out pillows since it lay down on the field. To add insult to incompetency, on the snap before the failed fourth-and-1 against New Orleans, Buffalo failed on third-and-1 -- as the Bills offensive line got zero push. The Bills have only three touchdowns, and some blame the poor performance of new quarterback J.P. Losman. But pass-blocking is so consistently bad, Losman has to start scrambling on the count of "one thousand two." The Buffalo offensive line is going neck-and-neck with the Houston line for the dubious distinction of worst in the league -- but unlike the Texans, this season the Bills expected to go somewhere other than back to the drawing board.


Actually, it's worse than that: the Bills have only spent a first-round pick on an offensive lineman twice since 1995 (when they drafted Ruben Brown). Meantime, they've basically spent three first-round picks in that period on quarterbacks: they traded a first-rounder to Jacksonville for Rob Johnson in 1998; they traded another first-rounder to New England in 2002 for Drew Bledsoe; and they picked J.P. Losman in 2004. (Using, I might add, an extra first-round pick that they had acquired by trading their first-rounder in 2005 to do so.) And don't forget the second-round pick used on Todd Collins in 1995. Four QBs, only one of whom is still here, versus two linemen, only one of whom is still here (2002 first-rounder Mike Williams). Ouch. Now, no one expects them to build their line entirely through the draft, but picking up other teams' castoffs and shoehorning them out of position into the line here (Trey Teague's not a natural center, and boy, does it show when defensive tackles are past him before he's even finished snapping the ball) is not the road to offensive line success.

Man, I oughta be blogging for NFL.com.

Monday, October 03, 2005

IMAGE OF THE WEEK

Eloise

Eloise and Nanny, from the Eloise books.

Tonight the Daughter chose Eloise for one of her bedtime stories, which made me happy, as the Eloise books are just a joy to read aloud. Author Kay Thompson writes in exactly the way a breathless, over-sugared, over-pampered rich six-year-old would talk: lots of run-on sentences or sentences that simply stop in mid-thought; sudden jolts from one topic to another; subtle alliterations and wordplay; and even the occasional phonetic hint of a snooty British accent. And Hilary Knight's illustrations are also a delight, with surprises lurking around every page -- such as an early page where, as Eloise recounts the way she rides an elevator to the fifth floor and then gets out and skips up the stairs to the seventh floor so she can ride the same elevator again to the fifteenth floor before taking the stairs up yet again and so forth, the opposite page turns out to have a "gatefold" picture depicting Eloise's elevator journey up and down the hotel.

What was most fun this time was that, in the books, Eloise is six, and so's The Daughter. So Eloise is, in a way, in her peer-group. Cool!

An informative website on all matters Eloise can be found here.

Hurg.

I just got done amending the Master Blogroll, and only then do I learn that a new Buffalo blog, focused on Buffalo sports, has formed here. Ye Gods! I note that Mark's analysis of the Bills' loss yesterday almost exactly mirrors mine, thus demonstrating something. I'm not sure what, but it's something.

(Just remember, though, who the real Buffalo blog is. Harumph!)

A thought experiment

I see that William Bennett, one of our nation's self-appointed Ministers of Virtue, has resigned from some position he holds because of the unfair politicization and taking-out-of-context of something stupid that he said. Well, that's the expected response, I suppose; and anyway, what I found objectionable wasn't that Bennett would frame an outrageous thought experiment, since there's nothing inherently wrong with such stuff, but the underlying assumptions behind the thought experiment he framed.

And speaking of thought experiments, here's one: What would the reaction of the Right be if, say, Howard Dean were to publicly say:

I do know that it’s true that if you wanted to increase school test scores, you could — if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every baby in Arkansas, Texas, Kansas and Georgia, and your test scores would go up. That would be an impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your test scores would go up. So these far-out, these far-reaching, extensive extrapolations are, I think, tricky.


Hmmm. I wonder if those "You're taking me out of context" defense would fly. Probably not, and rightly so.

(And before anyone gets uppity, I just made this example up off the top of my head and tried to pick a stereotype that everybody knows to be utterly false.)

Sentential Links #19

A roundup of good stuff from Blogistan. Click for context:

:: I finished "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" last night. And cried like a little baby. (Hmmm...been a while since I found a book that made me cry. Maybe I should look this one up.)

:: Let me tell you about my history with Tommy. (That is, Tommy of Tommy, the album by The Who. Which I've never heard. Is it true that if you play it with a candle burning, you will see your future? And I should have voted for Almost Famous, which I just freaking adore.)

:: Times change, people change, literature and popular culture change. But it's always struck me as strange that in such a Bible-thumping, God-bothering country as this one, so many of us never learn who Ahab was, the original Ahab, who did more to provoke the LORD God of Israel to anger than all the kings before him, until we first sit down with a copy of Moby Dick or hear the story of Absolam, Amnon, and Tamar until we read Faulkner.

:: The difference being that the US is no longer looking to annex Canada by force (if at all). (Well, shit. Here's me, thinking that being a launching point for our invasion of Canada will finally be the silver bullet that the Buffalo economy's been looking for, lo these many years! Just found this blog last week, by the way.)

:: And by the way, we rented The Iron Giant to watch Saturday night. Never seen it before. I'm not giving anything away, but at the end, when the IG is flying and says, "I'm Superman..." I totally had to increase my rate of blinking by at least a factor of ten, lest my wife see an unwonted emotional outpouring. (Oh, screw that! Cry openly! The wimmen-folk love a guy who cries. I think I read that somewhere, anyway. Oh, and congrats on one year blogging.)

:: I think there’s something to this, and I also think that blogging has had the effect of liberating thousands of talented amateur writers whose particular gifts may not necessarily fit neatly into the pigeonholes of professional publication. (I think it's amazing how nearly every time the thought crosses my mind that maybe I'm just wasting my time here, Terry Teachout posts something like this.)

:: There is, needless to say, quite a bit about the Bomb on the Internet. (No, really? But seriously, Mr. Ross has a collection of fascinating photos he took while touring the Trinity site, where the first atomic bomb was exploded. Fascinating stuff.)

:: You know, there is very little in the world that makes me more objectively terrified than the idea of George Bush and his den of incompetent hacks fiddling with the Posse Comitatus Act. Indeed, if you were to ask me what one thing would get me marching in the streets, this would be it. I'm entirely serious. (Actually, this is the entire post. I hope Mr. Scalzi doesn't mind.)

:: Plus, I'm teaching myself to play the piano--the fruits of which are certainly worth a blog entry or two--plus I've been doing lots of reading, but haven't had the energy to write much about it. (Well, crud. But hey, along the lines of self-taught pianists, perhaps I could send a book recommendation Will's way, as opposed to the other way around.)

Enough for this week. Enjoy, and I'll try to have this feature back on Sundays now, although, to be honest, I may keep it on Mondays, since I'm finding a heavy dose of blog-surfing nice and relaxing after a Monday at The Store.

Oh, they played yesterday? Really?

Well, I suppose I have to say something about the Buffalo Bills, who turned in yet another lackluster performance yesterday in losing to the New Orleans Saints (temporarily ensconced in San Antonio), 19-7. So here are some random thoughts on the soon-to-be-redubbed "Buffalo Shitty Bills":

:: If the defense doesn't blitz, they don't get pressure on the opposing quarterback. It's just that simple. And when they're not blitzing, they're terribly susceptible to the run. And Nate Clements just isn't as good as he think he is, so next year I'm fine with using the money the Bills would need to re-sign him and instead use it to bolster the offensive line and get a real pass-rusher in here, either a linebacker or a defensive lineman.

:: Everybody thinks your running back is an offensive superstar in waiting. He starts off the game with a twenty-five yard run. For the game he averages five yards a carry. At no point in the game, except at about a minute left in the fourth quarter, are you behind in the score by more than ten points. So of course you'd only give him the ball sixteen times.

:: J.P. Losman's throws looked better yesterday. He still isn't hitting the receivers on the numbers consistently, but he's putting the ball in places where they, if they're really the great posse of NFL receivers we've been led to believe they are, should make the catches. But no: drops galore, and another 75-yard performance.

:: Benching Losman? Bad idea, especially when the offense is stalling due to stupid penalties on first downs and because of bad playcalling. Here's something: I agree completely with Jerry Sullivan for once.

It's not Losman who calls plays. It's the offensive coordinator, Tom Clements, who loves to outthink himself. Clements had the Bills running against Atlanta instead of exploiting a ravaged secondary. In a noisy Alamodome, he had Willis McGahee carry just 16 times, even though he averaged 5.3 yards a pop. Is it against the rules to let McGahee carry on consecutive plays? Or to use him on third downs?

It's not Losman who missed a field goal late in the first half. Rian Lindell is automatic - until a kick truly matters. With the Bills trailing, 10-7, he could have tied the game and given them a jolt of momentum. He missed a 45-yarder. The Saints got a 40-yarder from John Carney just before halftime. Huge six-point swing.

It's not Losman who allowed the Saints to convert seven of 15 third downs and roll up 167 rushing yards. How many blitzes does Jerry Gray have to call before he realizes his guys aren't getting there? Is it my imagination, or is Gray trying to blitz his way to a head coaching job?

It's not Losman who committed 12 penalties for 79 yards. In fact, it was those heady veterans. Nate Clements, the self-proclaimed best cornerback in the game, had two. Moulds had one. So did Mark Campbell, Trey Teague and London Fletcher.

It's not Losman who couldn't contain the Saints' four-man pass rush. The offensive line was wretched in pass protection, another reason why Clements should have run more. Mularkey was not pleased. He said it was too bad he didn't have five new O-linemen to use for a spark.


The Bills need to stand up and say, "Look, fans: we've got to give this kid as many reps in games as humanly possible, which might mean that we're missing the playoffs this year. But he'll get better because of it." Troy Aikman's first year as starter? 1-15. Peyton Manning's first year as starter? 3-13. Jim Kelly's first year as starter? 4-12. There's a reason why Kurt Warner and Ben Rothlissburgor (I think I spelled that wrong) were so electrifying in their debuts: it's because they were amazing exceptions to an iron-clad rule. And if the Bills start Kelly Holcomb, it just postpones Losman's development by one more year. If Losman's a bust, or if he's the next great Bills QB, it doesn't change anything: we need to find out which one he is, and soon. Benching him yesterday was just stupid, and it's going to mess with his head.

:: You're down by nine points with four minutes to go in the game, which means that you need two scores to take the lead. It's forth down. And you punt. Well, you might as well forfeit the game, then. (Readers of Gregg Easterbrook's TMQ column, make a note of this. You will see the Bills' Preposterous Punt from yesterday mentioned in tomorrow's column.)

:: I bitch about the offensive line every week, but I don't get how they can be reasonably average on run-blocking and suck so massively at pass-blocking. Or is it just that McGahee is good enough to excel even with shitty blocking? Kinda makes me wonder what he'd be like if we had a line of the Dallas or Washington caliber (circa 1980s for Washington, 1990s for Dallas).

Summing up where I am right now as a Bills fan: because of Losman's youth and inexperience, I'm willing to write this year off. But if the Bills fail to make the playoffs in 2006, it'll be time for Tom Donahoe to be shown the door.

Other football notes:

:: As much as I think Terrell Owens is a gigantic jerk, man, does he back it up on the field or what. It's like he says to himself, every time he does something outrageous, "Holy shit, I gotta make up for this one in the game." And then he does. The guy's amazing, and I don't think he gets the respect he should for being at the absolute top of the NFL.

:: Hmmmm...the New England Stupid Patriots have already lost two games, and their defense looks distinctly ordinary against the run. And their next game has them visiting Atlanta, the NFL's best team at running the ball. The StuPats could well be under .500 for the first time in quite a while after this coming Sunday. And it can't be encouraging to Bill Belichick, the fans in Boston, or all those sad people nationwide who have been serving StuPat Kool-Aid at every meal for the last four years that the StuPats have given up more points than anyone else in the AFC after four games (and all but three teams in the NFC). Call me crazy, but two-time defending champs or no, a team that's on pace to give up over 400 points this season has cause to be worried a bit.

Of course, if it means that the StuPats are experiencing a stumble-in-progress, then I for one welcome our new alien overlords!

:: Now that most of the league has played four games, it's a little bit meaningful to take a gander at the current standings, versus my predictions before the season. So here's how things shape up right now, with my predictions in parentheses after the current leaders:

AFC East: Miami Dolphins (New England Stupid Patriots)
AFC North: Cincinnati Bengals (Cincinnati Bengals)
AFC South: Indianapolis Colts (Indianapolis Colts)
AFC West: Denver Broncos (San Diego Chargers)
AFC Wildcards: New York Jets, Pittsburgh Steelers

NFC East: Washington Redskins (Philadelphia Eagles)
NFC North: Chicago Bears (Minnesota Vikings)
NFC South: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Atlanta Falcons)
NFC West: Seattle Seahawks (Arizona Cardinals)
NFC Wildcards: Seattle Seahawks, Carolina Panthers

Well, I only have two teams that I picked to win divisions actually leading their divisions, but I think I'm safe on a few others -- does anybody think that the Dolphins are for real, much less that they can hold off the StuPats in a surprisingly weak AFC East? or the Redskins? I also find the Vikings' dismal start very surprising, but the NFC North appears to be a diaster of a division. (And the less said about the fact that I picked the Cardinals to win a division title, the better, thank you very much.) I'm not bothering to figure out who'd be the wildcard teams if the season ended right now, either, but as of now nobody I picked to be in the playoffs, with the exception of the Panthers, is more than a game or two out of first place.

That's it for this week. Next week, J.P. Losman gets his first look at the Dolphins, a team that Jim Kelly made his bitch for much of his time here. That would be a worthy opponent for him to start turning it around against. (My God, that may have been the worst sentence I've ever written. Ending with a preposition? Ha! I ended with two!)

Appy polly loggies to Sean for the cheap humor. But I'm sure he'll get me back in due course.

Excellence? What's that?

Empty Suits

Look, Ma: Two empty suits of blue.

The more plausible complaint about Miers, from the point of view of conservatives, is that she won't have the intellectual prowess to pick the court up and move it, to persuade other justices with the power of her ideas. For moderates and liberals, the complaint is that Bush had plenty of opportunity to pick a woman without picking the one whose best qualification is that she's his friend.


Good God, does George W. Bush have any pretensions toward excellence at all? I mean, good God. Can we please fast forward to January 20, 2009 right now? It's not like this is a conservative's wet dream of a Presidency; this is a Presidency whose main modus operandi all along has been to act like a conservative's wet dream of a Presidency, and hope that they'll be out of office and collecting their handsome pensions for government service before the conservatives figure out that the hand which has been stroking them has, in fact, been nothing more than a big inflatable glove at the end of a stick, while the real hand has been busy plucking their wallets dry.

And if I, as a liberal Democrat, gotta suffer through a conservative Presidency, I'd at least like to sit through a conservative Presidency whose approach to policy isn't the governance equivalent of a monkey tossing its feces about in random fashion.

"Soft bigotry of low expectations"? Well, even the guy with low expectations has some expectations to start with. When these people die, they'll likely be greeted at the Pearly Gates by Antonio Salieri, the Patron Saint of Mediocrities, where he will absolve them. Maybe. If he feels like it. Like as not, he'll just sit at his harpsichord and plink out his forgotten melodies, one at a time, one for each middling figure advanced by other mediocrities as Lincoln's heirs.

It'll take Saint Salieri hours, I wager.

UPDATE: Kevin Drum helpfully collates conservative reaction from around Blogistan. It's kind of reminding me of that scene in Pinnocchio when the boys on Pleasure Island realize just what's about to happen to them.

UPDATE II: Photo added.

Matthew Yglesias:

This sounds more like Miers was an opportunist than a convert. When conservative Democrats ran Texas, she was a conservative Democrat. She gave money to prominent Texas Democrats (Lloyd Bentsen) and to national Democrats who tried to move the party in a more conservative direction (1988-vintage Al Gore). Then, when Republicans came to dominate Texas, she became a Republican....As Kieran Healy points out, it's very unlikely that a woman born in 1945 would manage to have such a successful career in competitive fields while simultaneously being some kind of lightweight. But she's clearly not a heavyweight legal thinker. She's a heavyweight networker, climber, bottom-kisser, and careerist. What, exactly, that implies for her likely service on the Court I couldn't say.


You know, I don't have a problem with the Democrats who voted to confirm John Roberts, on the basis that even if they didn't agree with his ideology, they could at least grant that a President of the opposite ideology as themselves is going to make his court appointments accordingly, and that this guy was qualified. But this pick? Nosiree, Bob.

Say, I wonder if this might fall under the "extreme circumstances" exception in that "No filibustering judges" compromise of a few months back?

Tweak, tweak, tweak....

Well, never let it be said that Lynn Sislo doesn't go whole-hog when she redesigns her blog, because she just finished a redesign and now the thing sports a whole new URL and a whole new name, which means that I have to go an re-alphabetize the Master Blogroll. I oughta reverse my colors and change my URL to reflect the new blog name, "The Beaches of Constantinople" or some such thing.

Oh well, it's the same old good content and linkage we've all come to expect, but with some...orange. Quite a lot of orange. Reminds me of my college days, actually (our colors were orange and black, which made for some vision-induced headaches at the football games).

And now I'll go re-do the Master Blogroll. Harumph.

(Oh, her new blog is called A Sweet, Familiar Dissonance, and her new URL is http://www.lynnspace.com/b2/.)

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Chapters! We got yer chapters here!

We're entering the home-stretch on The Promised King, Book One: The Welcomer, folks. I've just posted Chapter Nineteen, in which the Siege of Bedwyn ends and the Battle of Bedwyn begins, and in which another unexpected battle takes shape at the Giants' Dance. The climax of Book One will play out in the two chapters that are slated to appear in November, with the closing Epilogue to arrive in December. And with that, Book One will draw to a close.

I'm sad to report that my original plan of sliding right into posting the chapters of Book Two come January 2006 will, in all likelihood, not work out as such, as I have not completed the rough draft of Book Two yet, much less started the polishing work. But I'm getting back into that, this week: first I'll be re-reading the entire story up to my current point of stoppage (kind of a refresher course for myself), and then I plan to start writing again. It's been too damned long.

Anyway, go have a look at Chapter Nineteen, and also catch up on the previous chapters that you may have missed -- they're all there, linked in all their glory in the sidebar.

(And as always, I am anchoring this post at the top of this page for the duration of Sunday. Scroll down for newer content.)

UPDATE: It's a really nice "Indian Summer" kind of day, and there's other stuff I want to do, so look for Sentential Links and the Image of the Week tomorrow evening. (Both of those features tend to be time-consuming by way of the amount of surfing the Interweb involved, and I'd rather read the paper and the like.)

Sunday Burst of Weirdness Coolness

I'm not sure what provoked him to do this, but filmmaker Kevin Smith has decided to respond to some of the weirdos of the AICN TalkBack section, here.

A few representative responses (naughty language alert, and it's even worse if you click through and read the ones I'm not cherry-picking):

TalkBacker: I'm finally starting to believe that the 90's are over.

Kevin Smith: They can’t be, sir. With your post, you’ve proven that the former-fandom-turned-cynicism which was the identifying hallmark of said decade still reigns supreme. As long as there are garage band fans ("Nirvana was good when I was the only one who liked them. Now they suck."), the 90's will never die.

TalkBacker: The fucker talks way, way too much, and talk is cheap.

Kevin Smith: Thank Christ. It’s why I get away with making movies, sir: because I make talky movies and talk, as you’ve said, is cheap. Cheap movies that earn mean I get to work another day.

TalkBacker: I love listening to Kevin Smith talk about movies and filmmakers until I see any of his movies and realize he's a fanboy in writer/director clothing.

Kevin Smith: Finally! Somebody who gets me!

TalkBacker: Hey, Kev.: instead of lampooning yourself for doing bad work, why don't you fucking learn how to make a film or at the very least hire an editor?

Kevin Smith: Because I’ve been doing what I’m doing for, like I wrote above, twelve years now, and shit seems to be working out for me. Even the folks who're like "His movies are remotely funny" join up for at least the commentary tracks. Not saying there's still not much, much more to learn, but if it's not broke, why fix it?

TalkBacker: The most solid thing you ever did was the "Clerks" cartoon and that's because you had less influence than on your movies.

Kevin Smith: Yes – so solid that it was my least successful endeavor of the last twelve years. I'm gonna fire my agent and hire you, bro. You've got your finger on the pulse.


It goes on like that. Of course, arguing with these weirdos is an exercise in futility -- I mean, we're talking about a form of Interweb life that, on the evolutionary scale, is just below your garden-variety blogger -- but it's still entertaining to read.

UPDATE: OK, I posted this link before I read through the entire thread. I'm still linking it, mind you, because it's utterly hilarious, but I feel that I should put in a NOT SAFE FOR WORK warning. Because it isn't. At all. Seriously. (About halfway through, a couple AICN mouthbreathers decide to take after Smith's wife, which goes over about as well as you might think it would.)

Sunday Shuffle

I haven't done one of these in a while, so here's a randomizing of the MP3 library:

1. "Farewell and End Title" from Dances With Wolves. One of my favorite scores, and one of my favorite films.

2. "Children In Chains", from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I liked this movie at first, then I hated it, and then I liked it again. I dunno. I'm weird that way. The last score of John Williams's "golden" period, when nearly everything he wrote was terrific.

3. "May Angels Fly Thee Home", from Merlin. A very good fantasy score by Trevor Jones. (I liked the TV movie a great deal, too. If you see it, make sure to watch the complete DVD version, as opposed to the heavily-edited VHS version.)

4. "Domestic Experiences", from Little Women. I'm coming to very much love Thomas Newman's writing.

5. "An Architect's Dream", from The Towering Inferno. I've never seen the movie. It's an early, pre-Star Wars score by John Williams. I only bought it because the FSM CD was close to selling out, and a year or two later when I really needed money, I pawned it on eBay. In truth, I've never listened to it all the way through. This particular track is pretty good, on first hearing. Lots of the familiar Williams pathos.

6. "Cheek to Cheek", from Top Hat. Fred Astaire, singing to Ginger Rogers. What can I say about this? It's one of the best performances ever of one of the best songs ever.

7. "Porco e Bella" from Porco Rosso. I haven't listened to this score all the way through in detail yet, but as the score plays in the film, I like it a lot. Joe Hisaishi has a real feel for Hayao Miyazaki's tendency to tell stories from any time and setting he wants. (Porco Rosso takes place in the post-World War I Mediterranean. It wouldn't even be fantasy if the hero hadn't been subject to a curse that gave him the features of a pig.)

8. "Enter Lord Vader", from Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Again, not much that I can say about this one. I just love John Williams. That is all.

9. "Remembering", from Total Recall. As far as I am concerned, this score marked the end of Jerry Goldsmith's most fruitful years. He continued to compose music for over a decade after Total Recall came out, but with few exceptions I find most of his output during the 1990s to be lackluster and, occasionally, even boring.

10. "The Matrix Revolutions", from The Matrix Revolutions. I only made it through about a half hour of The Matrix Reloaded before I fell asleep, and I never bothered watching Revolutions. But Don Davis's score is a keeper. Davis created one of the more distinct sound worlds for this series.

Well, that was fun. Or not.

A stupid observation

I like to fill out the gaps in my DVD collection with the cheap-o DVDs I find on sale at places like Target or The Store. Not the super-cheap DVDs -- you know, the Westerns where the hero is played by "Jonn Wayne" -- but the regular movies that are on DVDs that sell for around eight bucks a pop. Lots of times, these are movies that are available (or soon will be available) on double-disc special editions with lots of extras and whatnot; but since I'm generally not one to spend lots of time looking at DVD extras (I have yet to watch any of the documentaries accompanying the Lord of the Rings extended editions), I'm fine with picking up the cheap-o DVDs.

What's funny is that a lot of these DVDs date from the late 1990s, when the format was just picking up steam. Yesterday I bought a DVD of As Good As It Gets, and I laughed when the back cover touted as a selling point "Interactive Menus!". It's sort of like how every so often the people who make Tic-Tacs will re-emphasize the Retsin stuff in the mints.