(The scene is the balcony of the Emperor's Palace on Rigel VII. The Emperor, HSUB EROG, is watching a parade on the street below. Occasionally he waves to a float or something, but mostly he looks colossally bored. His Counselor, WEHTTAM SENOJ, approaches from behind with some kind of questionable-looking snack consisting of burned meat on a stick.)
EROG: Ah, finally! (He digs into the snack with gusto, and Senoj winces.)
SENOJ: As you requested, sire. It's been dead for less than ten minutes.
EROG: You can taste the blood!
SENOJ: Umm…yes…. (He turns even greener than usual.)
EROG: You know, you haven't told me about any more American Presidents lately. Why is that?
SENOJ: It didn't seem appropriate, sire. You had to move to a new palace and all – and there was your decision to declare war on the Phranss System.
EROG: Those heretics. They play that game where you can't touch the ball with your hands, their bread is too long for the entire loaf to fit in my mouth, and they're just plain rude! They are a blight on the Universe, an evil in the Nine Eyes of God!
SENOJ: You're just mad because you failed in your school classes in their language.
EROG: Is it my fault that I have two tongues, and proper Phrannish can only be spoken with one? Enough! Tell me about another President. This parade is boring me.
SENOJ: Yes, Sire. I believe I was about to tell you about President Josiah Bartlet. He had been the Governor of the New Hampshire enclave before being convinced by his best friend to run for high office. Somehow he miraculously defeated a better looking, more telegenic, richer, better funded, and more conservative and well-known Senator from the Texas enclave for his party's nomination.
EROG: Texas -- we've heard that name a lot.
SENOJ: Yes, Sire. Texas seems to be a root of a lot of problems -- but never mind. I doubt that I can summarize President Bartlet's accomplishments, really; we have a great deal of information about him by way of a documentary series the Earthers broadcast on their televisions once each week. I suppose a summary listing might be in order....
EROG: I've seen this! Is this the documentary where the camera follows the President's workers through busy hallways as they carry on long conversations about state matters for anyone to hear?
SENOJ: Yes.
EROG: And they don't know they're on camera, for anyone to watch? Or don't they care? They constantly divulge state secrets on that documentary!
SENOJ: Yes, they do. Very strange; I have no explanation for that. Most Presidents would sooner have the documentarians shot before letting them into their private residence while they are meeting with a mental physician, but this Bartlet seems to be of a different cloth. I also have trouble explaining the fact that the layout of the President's Palace in the documentaries exhibits a layout that differs from that which was established in other Presidential sources.
EROG: I'm sorry, I don't follow.
SENOJ: The rooms look different, and they keep the hallways rather dark on the weekly documentary. Quite strange. Oh, and according to the documentary, the United States has recently had diplomatic problems with Earth nations named Qumar and Khundu.
EROG: So? What's the problem?
SENOJ: These nations appear on no map of Earth we have collated from our information, Sire.
EROG: (waves a hand dismissively) That is of no concern. Our information has been wrong before.
SENOJ: They haven't tended to forget entire nations, Sire. And I find it hard to believe that these events, which seem rather serious on the documentaries, don't warrant a single mention by our senior advance scout. You'd think of the thousands of words he writes daily, he'd mention these events once in a while.
EROG: Who can tell? Nobody reads everything he writes.
SENOJ: Yes, well – recently President Bartlet authorized a political assassination of a major terrorist on Earth, from this "Qumar" nation. I would think that a political assassination of such a character would be welcomed by some of the more belligerent factions on Earth.
EROG: Humans are so unpredictable…oooooh, a butterfly!
EROG runs off after the butterfly, and then returns, looking sheepish.
EROG: Sorry.
SENOJ: Quite. In any event, President Bartlet apparently suffers from a disease that he attempted to keep secret from the American people. A non-fatal nervous condition.
EROG: Like mine? twitches twice and belches loudly
SENOJ: Ummm….no. He revealed his condition to the public, after concealing it from them in his first election.
EROG: Ooooh, there's no way those Americans would stand for that.
SENOJ: Actually, they re-elected him in a landslide.
EROG: WHAT?!
SENOJ: It surprised me, as well. Apparently faced with a stuffy, erudite "liberal Democrat" on one hand, and a "conservative Republican" on the other who is not particularly well-spoken, these Americans flock to vote for the "liberal Democrat".
EROG: That makes no sense.
SENOJ: They're humans, Sire. They're not supposed to make sense.
EROG: Ah. They're like women, then.
SENOJ: Sire, you know you're not supposed to espouse that male propaganda. It only leads to trouble.
EROG: I forget sometimes. So what happened to Bartlet?
SENOJ: Well, we're not sure. The documentaries are still running, once per week except for weeks when the broadcasters decide that they'd rather show one we've already seen.
EROG: Contemptible habit.
SENOJ: Quite. In any event, we know that President Bartlet only served a maximum of eight years in office. Let me think…other interesting details about Bartlet's Presidency…he apparently made the decision to run for re-election after conferring with the ghost of his dead secretary; his decision to run for President was influenced by a friend who was also a drug addict; he tends to launch into long speeches on irrelevant topics; he bears a striking resemblance to President Shepherd's Chief of Staff; and a man who some have speculated is secretly his son is a movie star.
EROG: That's all very interesting, certainly. Well, that's probably enough. I have something to do.
SENOJ: Like what? You had me clear your schedule....
EROG: I've got my country's five hundredth anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, MY wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped.
SENOJ: You've been watching that Earth movie again, haven't you.
EROG: (grins)How can you tell!
The personal blog of author Kelly Sedinger, chronicling the adventures of one overalls-clad wanderer.
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