Fixing the Prequels - The Phantom Menace (part four)

part one
part two
part three

Wow, it's been a long time since I updated this series, so let's get right into it, shall we?

When last we left our heroes, they had just blasted their way out of the hangar bay on Naboo and are now heading toward space, in an attempt to get to Coruscant where Queen Amidala hopes to be able to gain the support of the Chancellor in the matter of her world's invasion by the Trade Federation.

Now, before getting back into matters of script, a brief digression about visual effects. I've never been one to lament the rise of computer-generated effects in place of photographing models and stop-motion animation and the like of effects-laden-movies past, but there's one area of TPM that's always bugged me slightly, effects-wise, and it's the movements of the ships. Well, one ship in particular: the Queen's ship, which for some reason never really seems to have any real weight about it.

I assume that the Queen's ship is roughly the size of the Millennium Falcon or the original Blockade Runner. But in the OT, when those ships were onscreen, they seemed like real, physical objects. The Queen's ship always looks to me like a construct instead of an object. Just the way it tears out of the hangar bay and streaks upward into the sky in a perfect curve, achieving velocity seemingly the second it clears the doors of the hangar. Contrast that with all those times we saw the Millennium Falcon lift off from various locales; it always had to gather up a head of steam, so to speak, as we might expect a large vehicle to have to do in a planetary environment.

Oddly, this problem of the ships having "weight" only seems to really afflict the chrome-hulled cruisers of Naboo in the OT (except for the ship that lands on Coruscant at the opening of Attack of the Clones, which also happens to be my single favorite ship from the entire PT; how sad that it was only in about a minute of screentime!). The problem doesn't even extend, in my view, to the Naboo starfighters, so why this one ship really stands out as moving in a totally unworldly way has always vexed me a little bit.

You know what else bugs me about the ships in the PT? The fact that none of them have names. Most of the really important ships in the OT had names: Millennium Falcon. Executor. Avenger. Slave One. Tantive IV. Not so the PT, unfortunately. Giving this ship a name would have really enhanced the personality a bit.

So anyway, back to the script stuff. The escape from Naboo always seems to take a bit too little time for me, with too little sense of desperation. It seems, frankly, too easy. Mostly, this is a matter of pacing, since all the elements are there: the ship is under heavy fire, the shields are knocked out, the astrodroids deploy to fix the shields but start getting picked off, R2-D2's first heroic moment in the Star Wars saga, the escape into deep space. There's a lot of good stuff there, and I like the sequence as is, but it frankly could be better. It's this sequence, actually, that to me represents the greatest evidence that when making TPM George Lucas was, frankly, out of practice as a film maker. The editing here lets him down, when it's editing that is Lucas's strong point. Comparing this escape sequence with that of the Millennium Falcon from the Death Star in ANH is illustrative.

So what does the sequence need? More heft, frankly. This is the first space-based action sequence in the movie, and as such, it should stand out more than it does. Here's also a place where a toned-down Jar Jar could be used for small comic effect. This is how my version of the escape from Naboo would take place:

EXT: SPACE

The Naboo cruiser is powering through the upper atmosphere.

INT: COCKPIT

COMMANDER RIC OLIE sits in the pilot's seat, with two co-pilots flanking him. Standing behind him are QUI GON and CAPTAIN PANAKA.

RIC OLIE: They're still jamming our communications. Start calculating a course for Coruscant.

INT: MAIN HOLD.

OBI WAN leads JAR JAR into a cramped room where six astrodroids are in sleep-mode. Jar Jar's color is way off, his ears are drooping more than normal, and he moans as he holds his stomach.

JAR JAR: Mesa sorry! Mesa never fly before.

OBI WAN: Well, we past some closets coming down here. The Queen has more gowns.

JAR JAR: Ohhhh....

OBI WAN: Stay in here, and keep quiet. And don't touch anything.

Obi Wan turns and exits, leaving a moaning Jar Jar to sit down on the floor and put his head between his legs.

JAR JAR: Disen not my day.

INT: COCKPIT

CO-PILOT: Look!

RIC OLIE: I see them.

PANAKA: What is it?

RIC OLIE: Federation ships, two of them. Moving to cut us off. (to co-pilot) Activate our shields.

One of the Federation ships fires a couple of warning shots at the Naboo cruiser, which lightly rocks under the fire.

QUI GON: Perhaps you should accelerate to attack speed.

RIC OLIE: Attack speed? This isn't a Jedi attack ship! You're flying aboard the Queen Marisma the Golden, the Capital Cruiser of Naboo! [I plucked the name "Marisma" out of thin air. -Ed.]

Another burst of fire from the Federation battleship rocks the Marisma.

PANAKA: Commander, fire all thrusters. We're never going to run that blockade like this.

RIC OLIE: Captain, this ship--

PANAKA: Commander, on my authority as the Queen's personal Captain of Naboo Security, I order you to fly this ship in any way you need to! Get us through that blockade, Commander!

Ric Olie stiffens, and now his inner "gritty war pilot" starts to come out. He turns back to his console.

RIC OLIE: Transfer all auxiliary power to the secondary thrusters. We need more speed. And put all power in our front shields. They're not shooting at us from behind!

The sounds of the engines, deep in the ship, become more powerful and insistent. The lights dim as the power is diverted, and everyone shifts stance as the ship accelerates.

INT: MAIN HOLD.

The Queen's entourage is holding on for dear life. The Queen's gaze is locked on that of her earlier Handmaiden.

INT: DROID ROOM.

Jar Jar lifts his head, and then ducks it again.

EXT: SPACE

The Marisma's thrusters fire anew, and the ship picks up speed.

INT: FEDERATION BATTLESHIP – BRIDGE

DOFINE stands at the shoulder of a scanning operator.

DOFINE: They can't expect to run our blockade in that ship, can they?

SCANNING OPERATOR: They are accelerating to attack speed.

DOFINE: All guns fire!

EXT: SPACE

Now the Federation Battleship starts blasting away at the Marisma. The Naboo ship is stuck several times.

INT: COCKPIT

Panaka and Qui Gon have to hold on for dear life as the ship lurches under heavy fire.

INT: MAIN HOLD

The Queen and her entourage are in fear as the lights flicker.

HANDMAIDEN: We're closing on the blockade.

The Queen nods.

INT: DROID ROOM

Jar Jar is literally trying to become one with the floor.

INT: COCKPIT

Obi Wan enters and has to grab a handhold as a fresh volley of laserfire jolts the ship again.

RIC OLIE: Our shield generator's hit!

CO-PILOT: Activating astrodroids.

He presses a button.

INT: DROID ROOM

Jar Jar is whimpering on the floor when all six astrodroids suddenly snap to life and begin. Now he has to leap up and get out of the way as the astrodroids emerge from their cocoons and begin heading for an exterior airlock.

JAR JAR: Ohhh, what next!

He stumbles on the leg of one particularly familiar blue astrodroid and falls to the floor. The astrodroid whistles at him as it enters the airlock, from where it is ejected onto the hull of the ship.

EXT: SPACE

The six astrodroids are all clustered around an open portal into the ship's systems, where they are trying to repair some obvious blast damage. The Federation Battleship's bombardment continues, and one droid is blasted right off the hull almost immediately, quickly followed by another. The BLUE DROID is busily connecting wires while a third of his comrades is blasted away.

INT: COCKPIT

Obi Wan is watching the progress of the astrodroids via a video monitor.

OBI WAN: We're losing droids fast.

RIC OLIE: If we lose them all before they get the shields back up, they'll have us.

PANAKA: Keep flying, Commander.

The ship lurches again, particularly violently this time.

EXT: SPACE

One of the astrodroids is literally shaken loose from the hull of the ship by the latest impact, and tumbles shrieking into space. Now only two remain.

INT: DROID ROOM

Jar Jar is trying to pull himself up, via a handle on the wall. Unfortunately, the handle is to a parts locker, which pops open and dumps all manner of machine parts on top of him.

EXT: SPACE

The Marisma is now flying across the surface of the Federation Battleship. The two droids are still working feverishly on reconnecting the shield generators.

INT: FEDERATION BATTLESHIP – BRIDGE

SCANNING OPERATOR: I have them in range for precision cannons, sir.

DOFINE: Fire!

EXT: SPACE

A fresh volley of Federation cannonade blasts the fifth droid into atoms, leaving just the BLUE DROID working on the ship. Somehow the blue droid actually manages to evade several near laser blasts while he connects the last of the wires. Sparks fly as the power flow is restored, and the blue droid lets out a whistle of triumph.

INT: COCKPIT

RIC OLIE: Our shields are back up! The droid did it!

EXT: SPACE

The Marisma streaks away from the planet, leaving the Federation blockade in its wake.

INT: MAIN HOLD

The Handmaiden glances at a computer screen and sees the Federation ships receding in the distance.

HANDMAIDEN: We're away!

INT: COCKPIT

RIC OLIE: Prepare for jump to hyperspace. Lay in your course for Coruscant.

CO-PILOT: We can't, sir! The hyperdrive took a direct hit. We don't have enough power to get all the way to the central systems.

PANAKA: We got through the blockade but now we can't get anywhere?

QUI GON: Obi Wan.

OBI WAN: Yes, Master.

Obi Wan sits down at a vacant screen and starts looking through navigational charts. He quickly hones in on one system.

OBI WAN: We can go into the Outer Rim, Master. There's a system called Tatooine. Small, poor, mostly out of the standard shipping lanes.

QUI GON: Which means no Trade Federation presence there. Excellent.

Captain Panaka glances at the screen and reacts strongly to something he reads there.

PANAKA: Tatooine is controlled by the Hutts! You can't take Her Royal Highness there! If the Hutts capture her--

QUI GON: A calculated risk, Captain. But the Hutts aren't looking for her, are they? In their eyes we will be as everyone else in their worlds: travelers who are looking to repair a broken ship and be on our way. They need never know the Queen is there.

INT: DROID ROOM

Jar Jar is rubbing his aching head when the Blue droid comes back inside from the airlock. The droid surveys the scene – a sick Gungan and parts strewn all over – and whistles as he shakes his dome-head.

JAR JAR: Sorry.

The Droid emits a whistle of disdain.

OK, that got pretty long-winded, but I make no apologies. So there. The basic notion is that there should be a palpable sense of desperation here, of danger.

Next up comes another scene where the Trade Federation baddies report to Darth Sidious. In the original script, Sidious orders Nute Gunray to "destroy all of the Naboo high-ranking officials, slowly and quietly". I like that and would restore it to the film. Then he asks if the Queen has signed the treaty, and Gunray has to admit that she has not: the Queen has escaped and that they can't track the Naboo ship, but Sidious says that the Sith can, and here we meet Darth Maul. I've always liked this scene, and really the only change I'd make would be to restore the afore-mentioned line about the high-ranking officials and an addition to the exchange at the very end, after the two Sith have faded from view:

NUTE: This is getting out of hand. Now there are two of them!

RUNE: We should not have made this bargain. What will the Jedi do when they become aware of these Sith Lords?

What I like about a lot of this stuff is that it starts to become clear that the Trade Federation is also in the dark as to what's going on just why they're doing what they're being told to do. They're losing the plot as it were.

Also, I've always loved the way Darth Maul's hologram appears, looming over the shoulder of Darth Sidious; at that exact moment, John Williams's score has this ominous figure intoned by the low brass. It's a terrific entrance.

Meanwhile, back on the Naboo cruiser, we're officially introduced to R2-D2 and the Queen is briefed on what's going on now. I like this scene as is, and the only change I'd make would be to have the Queen in a different outfit, since my version of the escape makes clear that Jar Jar had thrown up on the old one.

And now, we arrive at what I hold to be the single worst scene in any Star Wars movie, and by a good margin. It's a very brief scene, really, but it's gobsmackingly bad. Padme (the handmaiden) is cleaning R2-D2 as ordered by "the Queen", when Jar Jar pops in and gives a brief summation of the day he's had. He's all cheerful and bubbly and it's basically just another bit of Jar Jar when, really, none is needed. Particularly bad, though, is Padme's line, "You're a Gungan, aren't you?" I always feel as though Jar Jar's response should be something like "Yousa know any other races of orange-skinned amphibians native to Naboo?"

The scene is nothing more than filler, to take up space between "We've got to get to Tatooine!" and "We're on Tatooine!". Nothing wrong with filler, per se; I've always felt, for instance, that The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring could have used some kind of filler between the escape across the Brandywine River and the arrival at Bree. But this particular filler scene is just awful. I squirm every time I see it. This little scene is, to me, the best piece of evidence in favor of people who claim that George Lucas's problem in the PT is that there's nobody around to tell him when something in his movie is crap on a stick. And as much as I love Uncle George, there's just no getting around it: this scene is crap on a stick.

So, how to fix it? Simple: no Jar Jar. This scene should have Obi Wan in it. Here's my version:

INT: MAIN HOLD

PADME enters, now dressed in simple working garb. She walks toward R2.

OBI WAN: (offscreen) Watch your step!

PADME stops cold and realizes that she was about to stumble over a sleeping JAR JAR, who is sprawled across the floor. She smiles at Obi Wan as she steps over the Gungan. Obi Wan is sitting at a table, with his lightsaber in pieces in front of him. She sits at the table opposite him and takes up a cloth; R2 whistles and rolls over for his cleaning.

OBI WAN: I tried getting him to sleep in a bunk, but he says he prefers the floor.

PADME: Gungans like hard surfaces. Once when I was – with The Queen on a diplomatic meeting with them, we all had to sleep on their floors. Our backs ached for a week afterward.

Obi Wan cocks an eyebrow but lets her minor slip pass.

PADME: Did you make that weapon yourself?

OBI WAN: No. The making of one's own lightsaber is part of the final trials before one becomes a full Jedi Knight.

PADME: You are not a Jedi Knight?

OBI WAN: I am Master Qui Gon's Padawan learner. But don't fear, Miss...

PADME: Padme.

OBI WAN: Don't fear, Miss Padme. I am almost ready to undergo the trials myself, and Qui Gon is one of the greatest of all Jedi. You are in good hands.

PADME: Which is why we're here, instead of in a Federation prison camp on our own planet.

She sighs.

PADME: We must find a solution to this problem quickly. The Naboo are peaceful people, but we have been used to our freedom for a thousand years. Being imprisoned will destroy the spirit of my world in a very short time.

OBI WAN: What is the nature of your dispute with the Federation? I've been trying to understand what could have motivated them to a blockade and an invasion, but it makes little sense to me.

PADME: That's because it makes little sense. We are an old world, but we are not terribly rich. Naboo is known more for its artisans and its scholars than its traders. There is little the Federation stands to gain by taking control of our shipping lanes. It won't make them that much richer than they are already, and it won't put them in any better position than they are now to establish themselves in the Outer Rim. Perhaps there is something deeper at work here. Our Galactic Senator, Palpatine, has told us of intrigues in the Senate that have drawn even him, a relatively junior delegate from a small world far from the Galactic center, into various factions who are constantly competing for power and influence on Coruscant. I fear that Naboo has become a mere pawn upon a very complex game board.

Obi Wan has been listening to this in fascination, as he begins putting the last pieces of his lightsaber back together.

OBI WAN: I must say, you have a very keen mind, Miss Padme. The Queen chooses her handmaidens well.

She smiles at him, a bit mysteriously, and he rises from his chair and holds his saber at arm's length.

OBI WAN: Ah, that should do it.

He presses the button, and the saber ignites, with its brilliant blue blade. But the blade's hum is oddly high-pitched, and the blade itself is only about twelve inches long. He frowns as he deactivates it and sits back down.

OBI WAN: Well that's not right.

Padme laughs, and R2 expresses his mirth with a series of whistles.

Something like this would give Obi Wan some needed screentime in the middle section of the film, as he disappears a bit. (That never really bugged me, but still, the character does get slightly shortchanged.) It also keeps his role as Padawan learner in perspective a bit, as well as flesh out a bit of the progression from Padawan to Jedi Knight. The bit about a Jedi finally making his own lightsaber reflects Luke Skywalker's own lightsaber-making in Return of the Jedi: in the OT, Luke is never an "official" Padawan learner, and yet he still in some ways undergoes the same tests required of an actual Padawan making his transition to Jedi Knight.

(By the way, I've always wondered why all lightsabers are the same length. Why not a lightdagger? Or Jedis jousting from the backs of some big beastie while wielding a twelve-foot-long lightlance? Now there's an idle thought for another time.)

Also, this version of the scene establishes that there might be a bit more to this particular handmaiden than meets the eye, as well as gives a bit of background to the entire political situation. One of the things that always intrigued me about TPM was the way that the entire plot on Naboo, in the end, doesn't really matter that much at all; Palpatine is able to get what he wants whether his schemes for Naboo are successful or not. He is playing a game with Naboo as one of his pawns.

In fact, this is a larger theme throughout all of the PT, and it's one I'd emphasize a bit more strongly than George Lucas did. It tends to get missed a bit, but virtually all of the intrigues and battles and conflicts throughout the PT are basically diversions constructed by Palpatine/Sidious to keep the Jedi from seeing what's really going on until it's far too late for them to do anything about it.

And that's where I'll end for now, since this got more long-winded than I'd originally planned. Next time we'll meet the boy who over the course of his life will save the Galaxy, destroy it, and save it again. On to Tatooine!

Eagles 17, Bills 9

I suppose I should post about the last game of the Bills' 2007 season, mainly for the sake of completeness.

:: The Bills finished 7-9 with one of the NFL's youngest and most injury-prone rosters. There's some talent here to build on.

:: Bills quarterbacks. Sure, Trent Edwards has shown promise. So did JP Losman and Rob Johnson, once upon a time. I'm not bothered by Edwards's play in those two games with horrible weather; he seems like a smart and competitive guy, so maybe he learns better to handle that stuff. I dunno.

:: Defensive line getting run down.

:: Offensive line often getting dominated.

:: Offensive playcalling: early in the season they'd call daring plays at really bad times while late in the season they seemingly stopped calling daring plays at all.

So there it is: they went 7-9, which is what I originally figured was the very best they could do. And yes, I do take a "glass is half full" view of this team; there's talent here and they're closer, I think, to being good than they were two years ago.

But Marv Levy has just resigned, leaving the team behind again after two years as General Manager, and the worst thing is that for claiming that he was never going to serve in that position for more than two years, he didn't have a successor ready to step in and carry on the work. So now there's uncertainty in the front office again.

And even more pressing is that Ralph Wilson, the team's owner, is still getting older. I really think that he'll be dead within five years, and when that happens, unless something dramatic happens in this area, I have come to think that the Bills are almost certain to leave. When that happens, I very much doubt my interest in football will continue.

This is almost certainly the last football post I'll be writing for this season, because I'm just not that interested in the playoffs or in continuing to try to invent new ways to call the Patriots names. As promising as the Bills were this year, I'm increasingly finding the NFL a joyless, mechanical affair, so much so that my posts on the subject are also joyless and mechanical. So, while I'll still watch football, I probably won't be blogging about it any more.

Thus, as long as they're still in Buffalo, go Bills!

2007: A Year in Blog Posts

I have exhaustively culled through my archives of the last twelve months to select these: the Best Posts to appear on Byzantium's Shores this year. There may be fewer than in years past, since I've allowed my posting frequency to slide some this year.

Before I get to that, a couple of things: first, I expect my posting frequency to drop even more in 2008. I'm planning to make some other things in my life more of a priority, which will result in making this blog less of a priority. Not that I plan on disappearing for weeks on end, but my posting will likely top out at a couple of times a week. Second, thanks to all of my readers. My traffic here receded a bit in 2007, most likely owing to my drop in posting activity, and I don't expect any different in 2008; after nearly six years of blogging, I suspect that I have the audience here that I'm ever likely to have. And thank God for that. So, to all loyal readers, your humble overalls-clad hippie of a narrator thanks you!

And now, the posts of 2007. (Special mention to two ongoing series: 100 Movies and Fixing the Star Wars Prequels.)

Uncle George conquers the Rose Parade
A note about Libraries
I take on an SF movie party-pooper
A Skiffy Book Quiz
I make Chicago Deep Dish Pizza, and live to tell the tale
The Daughter exhibits a gift for descriptive verbiage
The Best Pictures I've seen
My weakness: Blog Quizzes!
Football over? NOOOO!

A geek grab-bag post in which I make a casting suggestion for Wonder Woman
I win the Short Story Contest!
The story I won it with!
Heckuva job, Boston PD!
Thirteen opening lines to movies

Another movie quiz
How to make Stuffed Squash
Back away from the crazy!
I got FARKed and didn't even get to enjoy it.

Easter Eggs
Where are all the Right-wing manly men when we need them!
Another quiz thing
And still another quiz thing
Sober words about guns (a re-post of someone else's work, actually)
"Letter to a Mother, Gone to Sea" (fiction, posted in honor of International Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Day)
Spiderman 3
Mirna!
Lloyd Alexander, RIP
The stupid, it burns
Star Wars turns 30

Bad Drivers: I don't like them
!00 Things I love about The Simpsons
The AFI's revised 100 Greatest Movies List
A comment about Berlioz

Wow, I forgot I won this award! (Seriously. Totally forgot about it. Ye Gods, I'm a bad blogger.)
A quiz thing, of course
Studio 60: It was so close to being a good show
What our national anthem should be
A Book Quiz
Advice for People attending A Taste of Buffalo
Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!
Meaningful Songs (to me, anyway)
The Simpsons Movie
Thoughts on the original Indiana Jones movies

A contemplative quiz-thing
Thurman! Thurman! Thurman!
What a Geek Believes
A to Z: A fun quiz thing
Another quiz-thing about books
Picking up the ashes
Little Quinn's Third Birthday

I don't know what you're talking about, so here's a bunny with a pancake on its head
An odd quiz
My wrongest NFL predictions post yet!
A teevee show quiz thing
A domestic scene in three parts
A quiz-thing in which random fictional characters are teamed up

All hail my new technological overlords!
A food quiz thing
PZ's quiz thing
An old photograph, examined
My friend "Gumdrops"
A Halloween Quiz Thing

The Sounds of Star Wars
Oh yeah, I like Mahler
Sigma VI
Seven Things Meme (yet again)
Caillou for Grownups

"To Weep When I Am Glad" (fiction)
Christmas Quiz Thing
2007: Ugh

And here is a listing of posts from 2007 in which I discussed specific books.

Anthony Bourdain's The Nasty Bits and Bill Buford's Heat

George RR Martin's A Feast for Crows

Tomorrow to be Brave by Susan Travers and Brainiac by Ken Jennings

Measure Twice, Cut Once by Norm Abram and The Inextinguishable Symphony by Martin Goldsmith

Gardens of the Moon by Steven Erikson

Marvels by Kurt Busiek and Alex Ross, The Death of Superman, Songs of Our Ancestors by Patrick Atangan

Ysabel by Guy Gavriel Kay

A History of Violence, Persepolis I and II by Marjane Satrapi, The Tale of One Bad Rat by Bryan Talbot, The Life Eaters by David Brin and Scott Hampton, The Book of Ballads by Charles Vess and various, Castle Waiting by Linda Medley.

The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid by Bill Bryson

Deathstalker by Simon R. Green

The Stars My Destination by Alfred Bester, The Coming of the Terrans by Leigh Brackett

Love in a Torn Land by Jean Sasson, Age of Bronze: Volume One by Eric Shanower, Der Ring des Nibelungen adapted by P. Craig Russell.

Automat by Lorraine Diehl and Marianne Hardart, Words Words Words by David Crystal, A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson.

Dread Empire's Fall: The Praxis by Walter Jon Williams, Sigil, Metabarons

The Making of Star Wars by JW Rinzler, Making Comics by Scott McCloud, The English Patient by Michael Ondaatje, The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas

Is This a Great Game or What! by Tim Kurkjian

Love is a Mix Tape by Rob Sheffield, the Griffin and Sabine and Morningstar trilogies by Nick Bantock, Up Front by Bill Mauldin

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, by that woman who writes Harry Potter novels

Stradivari's Genius by Toby Faber, A Princess of Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs, The Andromeda Stories, The New Space Opera edited by Dozois and Strahan, Fray by Joss Whedon, Year's Best Fantasy and Horror 2007, Land of Laughs by Jonathan Carroll

Born Standing Up by Steve Martin, Those Left Behind and Astonishing X-Men by Joss Whedon, The Rest is Noise by Alex Ross

And thus closes 2007 on Byzantium's Shores. See you all on The Flip Side.

2007: Not a big fan.

It's that time of year again, when I engage in a bit of navel-gazing. I do this questionnaire at the end of each year, so here's the 2007 version. If a fairly negative tone is detected running though this post, that's to be expected, because for me, 2007 was, as years go, a steaming bowl of cat poo, and I'm just as happy to see the damned smelly year come to an end.

Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I kept them all, yay! I resolved to not jump out of airplanes without a parachute, to not paddle a leaky kayak through shark-infested waters, to not invade a landlocked Asian country without securing permission of its neighbors to use their airspace, and to not enter into any secret alliances with Sith Lords or Eddorians. All of these resolutions I kept, and I shall be applying my newfound resolve to the coming year.

In 2008 I shall rein back on the scope of my resolutions. I plan to read more, listen to more music, see more movies. What I want to do is take the AFI's "Top 100 Movies Ever" list and see as many of the ones on that list that I haven't seen. I'll track my progress in this blog.

My big resolutions are twofold. First is to write more, with more fiction to come, as well as making a new attempt at launching a freelance-writing career. Second is to live healthier. The generosity of my parents has made it possible for my family and I to join the local Y this year, and I'm greatly looking forward to using that facility (which is about two miles down the road) to get in better shape than I am now. I actually started trending in this direction in 2007, doing lots of walking during the summer and fall and learning to eat healthier. I've doubled the number of vegetables I like to eat (there are four veggies on my menu now, yay!), and I've discovered that good bread dipped in extra virgin olive oil has flavor that puts bread-and-butter to shame.

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yeah, she did.

Also, a number of valued friends at work had babies this year, actually.

UPDATE: Ach! I forgot Scotty!

Did anyone close to you die?

Yeah. About two hours after she was born. This is what I'm talking about, folks: 2007 was supposed to be the good year.

What countries did you visit?

Provence (by way of Guy Gavriel Kay), various worlds (by way of the crew of Serenity), Barsoom (by way of Edgar Rice Burroughs), and the various countries of my own mind.

What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

Peace of mind and heart.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Keeping my head above water, most of the time; grabbing the life preserver when it was thrown to me. (This is metaphor.)

As for non-metaphorical stuff, probably my biggest accomplishment -- maybe my only accomplishment -- was winning the Buffalo News short story contest. I've earlier today made the text of the story available on the blog here, since to my knowledge it's gone from the News website. Read it, it's short.

What was your biggest failure?

Ignoring the writing on the map that read, "Here there be monsters." (Still metaphor.)

Back to non-metaphors: The Promised King? Still unfinished. 2008, here we come.

What was the best thing you bought?

Well, Guy Gavriel Kay's latest novel Ysabel; my copy of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King: The Complete Recordings; my reference Bible (TNIV); and leaving them all in the dust, my Dell Inspiron 1520 laptop.

Whose behavior merited celebration?

The Daughter, who has had Big Sisterhood taken from her three times now, who has seen two "best friends next door" move away in one year, and who has had to stand by while her parents weathered storms.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

As always, the Republicans in Congress and the media who refuse to report on their shenanigans, as well as all the enabling right-wingers who still cling to the absurd notion that Iraq either is or can be a "victory", that global warming is either something that doesn't exist or if it does exist is caused by the sun so we can all just trundle merrily along doing whatever we want, and that revenues go up when you cut taxes. I'm also annoyed by the candidates for that party's Presidential nomination, every single one of them.

Then there were the New York State government people of all persuasions. New Governor Spitzer promised that everything would change on Day One, but he appears to have found a loophole in not exactly saying when Day One is. Then there's just the entire "More spending, more power for us" attitude in Albany; talk about fiddling while Rome burns. Nero had nothing on these guys.

On a less political note, Major League Baseball has finally lost me completely, even if the Pirates somehow do manage to field a decent team.

Where did most of your money go?

Increasingly, gas and food. Funny how those prices go up and up and up while the paychecks don't. But that's OK, because rich people get richer, so the economy's just fine and I should just shut up and smile while they pocket their tax cuts.

What did you get really excited about?

The new GGK novel; my new laptop.

What song will always remind you of 2007?

"Yo Ho Yo Ho, A Pirate's Life For Me" (we've been on a Pirates of the Caribbean kick lately). "People Get Ready", by Curtis Mayfield. "I'm Alright", by Jo Dee Messina (not a country fan, but I love this song). "Scythr Song", by Dougie Maclean. And "The Village Lanterne", by Blackmore's Night. This is too bad, really, because those are really good songs, and they deserve better than to be associated in my head with the 365 Days of Crap on a Stick that was 2007.

Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

Huh. I'm gonna have to think about that one a bit.

Thinner or fatter?

Thinner, but not by a whole lot yet. That's still to come.

Richer or poorer?

Poorer, but not horribly. Yet. I'm just loving getting less than half a tank of gas in my car for twenty bucks and paying twice for milk that I paid a year ago, and then coming home and reading articles about the approaching recession that still hasn't arrived.

What do you wish you'd done more of?

Writing, listening, drinking rum, watching movies.

What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worrying about stuff I can't control, and controlling the stuff I wasn't worried about.

How will you be spending Christmas?

Well, Christmas is past, as always. I spent it with my family. Opening gifts, eating food, reading and writing, visiting Little Quinn's grave.

Did you fall in love in 2007?

As always, I fall in love on a daily basis. (I've been giving that answer every year for this question.)

How many one-night stands?

Eight, and they were on the same night. Wow, I was tired for days after that. (No, this isn't true. Yeesh. But as if I would answer that question!)

What was your favorite TV program?

Scrubs (now in its final season), The Amazing Race (I love you Mirna!), American Idol (of the final two this year the right person won, but it was the wrong final two in the first place), Firefly. (No one said it had to a be a show that aired this year.)

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hate's a pretty useless emotion. That's why I keep all of my hatred focused upon professional football personnel from the Boston, MA area. Oh, and on the Dutch. I hate the Dutch!

(And while I don't "hate" any of them, I find the candidates for the Republican presidential nomination laughable, without exception. Wow, what a bunch of wankers.)

What was the best book you read?

Off the top of my head, Ysabel by GGK and The Rest is Noise by Alex Ross. But when I do my "Best posts of 2007" post later on, I'll probably discover a number of other books worthy of mention here.

What was your greatest musical discovery?

Years ago, I listened to the symphonies of Jean Sibelius and didn't like them much at all, so aside from Finlandia, I've not much bothered with Sibelius since then. Until, that is, a few weeks ago, when I dusted off a CD of his Fifth Symphony (Leonard Bernstein, VPO), and found myself captivated by the musical imagery.

What did you want and get?

The laptop, obviously. At work, I also got a new 18-volt cordless drill. I acquired more books and music and movie.

What did you want and not get?

Healthy Child Number Two. When one finds one's dead children outnumbering their living children, one looks to the Guy Upstairs and asks, "Hey, just how essential is my suffering to this 'plan' of yours, anyway?"

What were your favorite films of this year?

I tend to be very lax in seeing movies in their year of release, given how expensive movie-going has become. This year I saw only two movies, and I liked The Simpsons Movie more than I liked Spiderman 3. Ironically, this was clinched by the appearance of Spiderpig.

What did you do on your birthday?

It wasn't exactly on my birthday, but The Wife and I took an overnight jaunt to the Fingerlakes Region and Ithaca, NY.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Same as always: Bob Vila abducted by deadheads. Changing one's "fashion concept" on a yearly basis strikes me as terribly silly, as does heeding the fashion advice of people who, in my eyes, look staggeringly silly or downright corpselike.

What kept you sane?

I'm not convinced that I did, in fact, remain sane in 2007, but I'll stick with my stock answer: The Daughter.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jenna Fischer, Sela Ward, Miss Teen South Carolina. (She had a point, folks: most US Americans actually don't have maps.)

What political issue stirred you the most?

Global warming. (After I clicked a link in a blog and found myself reading Orson Scott Card's essay in which he responds to Al Gore's winning the Nobel Peace Prize by calling Gore "pond scum", I banished Card forever from my bookshelves. I'll just have to live as good a literary life as I can without ever having read Ender's Game. Somehow I think I'll survive.)

Who did you miss?

Bill Clinton. But hey, 2008 may bring the next best thing!

Who was the best new person you met?

You. No, not you. I knew you already. You. Yeah, you.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:

Re-using the ones from last year: The Internet is made of people. Rush more, blitz less. Don't punt when you're trailing or when you're in your opponent's territory. Democracy works, at least sometimes. Not all tears are an evil. Cool-whip is a miracle substance. So is ice cream. Use your library; limiting your reading to only those books you can afford to buy is madness. OpenOffice is a quality program. From pizza to quiche to apple to coconut cream, pie is the greatest of foods. We're not meant to be alone. No object fits in your hand so perfectly as your wife's hand, and no object fits so perfectly on your shoulder as your child's head. Keep smiling, because you never know what life will throw in your face next!

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"The Village Lanterne", by Blackmore's Night, mentioned in a question above:



Don't shed a tear for me
I stand alone
This path of destiny
Is all my own
Once in the hands of fate
There is no choice
An echo on the wind
You'll hear my voice...

Some choose to fall behind
Some choose to lead
Some choose a golden path
Laden with greed
But it’s the noble heart
That makes you strong
And in that heart, I'm with you all along...

*The olde village lanterne
Is calling me onward
Leading wherever I roam
The olde village lanterne
A light in the dark
Bringing me closer to home...

So when you think of me
Do so with pride
Honor and bravery
Ruled by my side
And in your memory
I will remain
I will forever be within the flame...

Now at the journey's end
We've traveled far
And all we have to show
Are battle scars
But in the love we shared
We will transcend
And in that love, our journey never ends...

So there we have it: 2007. Raise to it a glass, then kick it in the ass!

Your attempt has ended in failure.

It's been interesting this year watching the Buffalo News enter the wide world of Blogistan. They've moved in fits and starts, it must be noted; they shut down the blog devoted to their monthly "Book Club" after just two or three months because it didn't have enough readership, which shows that they don't realize how long it can take to build audience in the blog-world. They also seem completely unaware of the existence of blogs outside of their own operation, to judge by the number of outgoing links they use.

And then there is the occasional hilarity of watching these reporters interact with "commenters". A great case in point: the other day, News sports columnist Jerry Sullivan, who is also now one of the News's new bloggers this year, decided that he'd had enough with his commenters trying to be funny in his comment threads, so he threw down in a post which he entitled "You're Not Funny":

Judging by many of the posts on this blog, a number of you feel as if you're auditioning for the Comedy Channel. Here's a tip: You're not funny. Don't get me wrong. I do get a charge out of some of the back and forth banter that shows up here. I'm all for a good dustup between two people with strong opinions, even if it goes over the edge at times. But the guys who spend their time straining to be clever, posting lists that are really weak and signing other people's names -- Larry Felser, Jerry Sullivan, etc.? Really, when I read those I lament the very existence of these kinds of forums. It gives dim-witted types the idea that anyone can sit down for five minutes and write something that the average person wants to read. It's not that easy. That's why the blog can be a pain in the ass for me at times.

And as any experienced citizen of Blogistan might well expect, everyone in the comments of that post is completely respectful and no one makes any attempt to be funny. Well, except for, well, everyone. Oops.

Worse, Sully even makes special mention in his post of a specific item for which he seems to take lots of ribbing on the blog: the tweed jacket he's wearing in his headshot. So along comes this line from a commenter:

I give two nicotine stained thumbs up to Jerry's drool stained circa 1972 imitation tweed size 46 portly jacket.

That's signed "Jeff Simon", who happens to be the News's monument to pretentiousness film critic, and a guy who has never failed to complain about Roger Ebert's "Thumbs Up" schtick when he's had the opportunity. So that comment is funny on multiple levels. Not bad for an anonymous person in a blog comments thread!

Later on, Sully eats a bit of crow, to his credit. Welcome to Blogistan, Sully.

On earth, peace

Christmas is upon us once again. It's a beautiful time, perhaps the most beautiful of times. Merry Christmas to all!

(image via)

Giants 38, Bills 21

Well, the home portion of the 2007 season is over for the Bills; only one game, a road game, remains, and then it's the offseason. The season mostly met my expectations, although it exceeded them in some areas -- particularly the team's heart. Now, if their onfield talent matched the heart that Dick Jauron is able to inspire, we'd be talking.

As for the game itself, remember how I wrote that last week's loss to the Browns made clear the Bills' deficiencies? This game took those deficiencies and tattooed them to Marv Levy's forehead. I hope he looks in the mirror.

:: Kevin Everett's return to Buffalo.

:: Jason Peters. He must be good, for his departure from the game due to injury to lead to the complete failure of the Bills' offense to do anything of note from that point on.

:: Trent Edwards, again. A really good first quarter followed by three quarters of ineffectiveness, with a dash of desperation-borne self-immolation at the end, combines for a solid "Meh". I still think he's got a lot of upside, but he's clearly not there yet.

:: Eli Manning. This was the first time I've really watched him play, and he was not that impressive at all. I never liked him much after his petulant "I don't wanna play in San Diego!" temper tantrum when he was drafted, and as it stands, the Chargers are certainly enjoying the last laugh on that score.

:: The Bills' receivers, yet again. They're too small, and nobody seems able to catch anything that's not thrown right on the numbers. Sometimes in the NFL you have to be able to go up and get a pass or stretch out to snag one; none of these guys seems able to do that.

:: Run defense. The Bills were awful up front. I've been trying to figure out lately what the franchise's single biggest mistake of the last five years has been, and right now, I'm leaning strongly toward the decision that Pat Williams was washed up and let go to Minnesota, where he's only played at a Pro Bowl level. I've been watching teams with big, competent offensive lines and powerful running backs throw the Bills' small-and-quick defensive linemen around like rag dolls pretty much for the entire duration of this blog's existence. Please, Mr. Levy, get a big run stuffer!

:: Offensive line. I say it every week: they don't blow anyone off the line, so the Bills' running game consists of the occasional brilliant run offset by four or five rushes for less than a yard. Marshawn Lynch is a terrific talent, but the line still isn't very good. Please, Mr. Levy, get a big center who can give the line some push up the middle!

:: The announcers. One exchange stood out, when they were discussing the fact that the Giants' home finale next week is versus the New England Victor Von Dooms*. One of these two intoned solemnly that "It's not the responsibility of the Giants to ensure that the Von Dooms do not finish the season undefeated. It's their responsibility to make sure they're healthy for the playoffs." Since the Giants' playoff position is already set -- they're the fifth seed, no matter what happens next week -- the game is meaningless, so this guy's saying that they shouldn't go all-out to beat the Von Dooms, and maybe even rest some starters. And yet, is anyone suggesting that the Von Dooms rest their starters in that same game? Is anyone saying that they should take a loss and end 15-1 in order to remain healthy for the playoffs?

If the Von Doom's are to be expected to play the game for real in hopes of setting the historic 16-0 record, then the Giants are equally to be expected to suit up to stop them. Nobody thinks for one second that Beelzebub Belichick is going to bench Brady Satan to keep him healthy; why should the Giants roll over?

Put it this way: the third batter in the ninth inning against a pitcher who's gunning for a perfect game still has an obligation to try to get on base.

:: Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter. I caught one play of the Dolphins' game against the Von Doom's, and Porter recorded a sack of Brady Satan. And then Porter started doing that muscle-flexing strut thing that guys like to do when they record sacks. Ummm, Joey? Your team is 1-13 going into this game. You don't get to dance for recording a sack in the first quarter. Putz.

:: Commenters on the Buffalo News's BillBoard blog, as evidenced in yesterday's game thread. Yeesh, these are fans? I especially love the ones who think that the Bills "quit" in yesterday's game. I didn't see the team "quit". I saw the team play hard and get whipped by a team that was well-equipped to whip them. Or the guy who insists that Trent Edwards is "worse than the last guy" and "another soft California quarterback". What twaddle.

Next week: the Bills travel to Philly to play the Eagles. And Michael Strahan is our only hope. Remember, Michael: even Brady Satan's ACL isn't made of steel!

* The Wikipedia page for Victor Von Doom has this "Wiki complaint" at the top of the page: "This comics-related article or section describes an element of the series in a primarily in-universe style. Please rewrite this article to explain the fiction more clearly and provide non-fictional perspective." What a stupid complaint. Someone at Wikipedia needs to remove the large piece of elongated wood from their colon. Who the hell needs "non-fictional perspective" about a fictional supervillain?!

Sunday Burst of Weirdness

As has been the case with much of December, I didn't have a whole lot of time to noodle about the Web seeking weirdness outright, but I did happen upon a couple of items.

:: I think I have now discovered the ultimate product for people who are inherently lazy when it comes to working in the kitchen. If you don't want to make pancakes from scratch, there's always been the tried-and-true "complete pancake mixes" like Aunt Jemima. But now, you don't even have to do that! Behold the Batter Blaster. Words fail me. (I can't remember where I saw this, so if it's you, thanks for the link. If it wasn't you, then why the hell not?!)

:: Here's a charming tale of urban cunning: guy gets coupon for a "free drink" at Starbucks, and wonders just how expensive a drink can be made there. How much does his final tailor-made concoction end up costing? Find out for yourself, and check out his itemized receipt. Just reading this post made my pancreas whimper like a smacked puppy. (via)

:: Not so much weird, but potentially useful for people whose office-cubicle lives are full of dull drudgery: Slate selects the best online games. I haven't played any of them, so I vouch not.

:: Cthulhu Claus, I suppose.

Tag'd! (But....)

As the Prime Minister often says during Prime Minister's Questions, I refer my right honorable friend to the reply I gave some moments ago.

Listening as a Geek!

Yippee!

	I received 93 credits on The Sci Fi Sounds Quiz How much of a Sci-Fi geek are you?
Take the Sci-Fi Movie Quiz

Although, I must admit that I guessed with pure randomness twice, so a score that actually reflects my knowledge is lower. Still, fun quiz.

Via Dr. Myers, whose score is lower than mine somehow. Heh.

Wow, look at all the cobwebs....

Just a quickie post to let you know that I have not been abducted by aliens or conscripted by the Earth Defense Fleet to combat the invading Saturnian Slime Devils. Things are just highly hectic this week. I will post more during the weekend, hopefully. (We also had a hiccup in our DSL service today, which I'm hoping has passed completely.)

Hang in there, everyone!

Sentential Links #122

Here we go:

:: It’s amazing that after all this technological progress what the phone companies really want is to bring back the concept of the pay phone: Their vision is to give everyone their very own pay phone where the phone company can hit them up for loose change while the thing is in use. No matter how many gadgets they pack into the phone, aparently the part they miss the most is the one where the user inserts their coins.

:: And it reminded me that every once in a while, a person comes into your world in one grand, gorgeous package, and after you unwrap it, and after all the judgments are made and the stereotypes are in place, you find another grand, gorgeous package.

:: What I don't really get is when people complain about what's on TV nowadays as if TV was somehow better in the past. (It's called "Remembering the hits and forgetting the misses". I'm always deeply suspicious of claims as to how much greater things were in any field "way back when".)

:: It is always about the little things, all the little things that make up a day and a week and a life.

:: Y'see, we decided that what we wanted to do was to give people the most awkward Christmas card-opening experience ever.

:: Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be Mitch Albom, to get up every morning, look in the mirror and say, “I am worth every penny.”

:: I think this is badly wrong. And it's badly wrong in an important way. In fact, it gets straight to the heart of perhaps the most serious, most durable misunderstanding held by conservatives about how to fight terrorism.

And that's all for this week.

By the way, Sentential Links will not be appearing next Monday or the Monday after, for those days are Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve respectively. We'll be linkin' stuff again in three weeks.

Browns 8, Bills 0

Well, that was disappointing, wasn't it? I mean, I suspect that everybody already knew in their heart of hearts that the Bills weren't ready for prime time yet, but still, it's a bummer to see it laid out so plain. And this game was pretty useful, I think: it laid out in one afternoon all of the faults that the Bills need to address in the looming offseason if they want to get better in 2008 and finally end the playoff drought. I truly believe they can get there, if they do the right things. Yesterday's game pretty much wrote the Bills' faults on a piece of white paper and then took a pink highlighter and made them all stand out.

But it's still worth noting that I said before the season that I'd be impressed if the Bills managed to equal last year's 7-9 record with this much-younger team, after everyone looked at the players they sent packing last offseason and concluded that they'd be Teh Suck. My attitude was, "They were losing with those guys, and they can lose without 'em". Well, I've seen enough this year to make me think that they might be not losing, but learning how to win. And just think: these young guys will be coming of age when the Colts and the Force For Evil From Foxboro are in physical decline.

:: The Bills didn't self-destruct, and they didn't shoot themselves in the foot with disastrous mistakes, penalties, turnovers, and so on. Their failures yesterday were failures to capitalize and make things happen, not gaffes that allowed Cleveland to dominate.

:: Trent Edwards. I'm cutting him slack because he's a rookie, and yesterday's weather at Cleveland was anomalous even for that city (and ours), but he's got to learn to play in snow sometime. It took until the fourth quarter before it seemed like he figured out how to keep his passes from sailing on him.

:: The line of scrimmage, on both sides of the ball. The Bills were dominated. Offensively, pass protection was decent but run blocking was inconsistent. Meanwhile, the Browns were able to contain Marshawn Lynch and they were able to control the tempo of the entire game with their own rushing attack. On offense, the Bills don't blow anyone off the line; on defense, the Bills to to get blown off the line. This has to be the top priority this offseason.

:: The Bills' receivers. I've been buying into the company line that the Bills have a number one receiver (Lee Evans) and a bunch of number three's, with no real number two. But frankly, after watching Evans fail to haul in passes that may not have been thrown on the numbers but were at least within range of his fingertips, and after watching yet another game where Evans's contributions didn't come until halfway through the third quarter (he had one catch in the first half, on a three-and-out drive), I'm wondering if what we have here is a number two receiver and a bunch of number three's, with no number one. And they don't have any real size at receiver, which is turning out to be a giant liability. There's nobody the Bills have who can outleap a typical corner for the ball.

:: Tight ends. The Bills' tight ends suck. There's just no other way to say it: they're a terrible bunch. And after dropping a perfectly-thrown pass on which he was wide open and on which he had nothing but open field ahead of him (he might well have scored had he caught the ball), Michael Gaines said this after the game (emphasis added): "I feel like I let my team down a little bit because if I would have caught it, I was one on one with the safety, and I like those odds." A little bit? Ya think?! Look, when you muff a pass like that in a game that you lose 8-0, I personally think that your postgame interview should consist solely of you repeatedly banging your head against the door of your locker while you say "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" over and over. Ye Gods.

:: The Miami Dolphins. Way to win yesterday, you jerks. Now you have nothing to play for next week, when you take on the New England Iagoes. Dummies.

:: On the topic of the Iagoes, what is up with this "revenge on the Jets" and the chip on their shoulders? By what right do these guys get to be angry about anything? They're the ones who cheated! This reminds me of all those cop shows where the cop who turns in the dirty cop to Internal Affairs is ostracized more than the dirty cop himself.

Next up: The Giants come to Buffalo. Only two games left, and then it's "Wait 'til next year", and then I get my Sunday afternoons for movie watching.

Sunday Burst of Weirdness

Well, when I haven't been online much to surf around looking for weirdness, I invariably end up picking the low-hanging fruit. In this case, that means Asian commercials for lightbulbs. Seriously, that is one screwed-up ad.

Books: I like 'em

Time for a rundown of some reading I've done lately:

:: Born Standing Up, by Steve Martin. If you come to this book expecting a "wild and crazy" book of comedy-in-print, you'll walk away disappointed. If you come, instead, looking for Martin's insights as to the early parts of his career when he toiled in obscurity before finally bursting onto the national scene, then you'll find the book worthwhile. It's a surprisingly unfunny and unflinching look from afar at Martin's career. It's not completely unfunny, mind you, but the prevailing tone is one of seriousness, and reading it, I get the impression that Martin's own feeling is that, despite the things he's accomplished, he's missed as many opportunities as he's taken advantage of.

The book starts off with Martin's early life, and he doesn't flinch as he reveals the emotional distance at the heart of his family relationships for much of his life. His father, it turns out, was largely emotionally abusive (and sometimes physically, as well), while his mother mostly looked the other way. Martin's show-business career started not with comedy but with magic, and he only came to comedy gradually as opportunities arose and others fell by the wayside. It's interesting, then, to read Martin's analytical and theoretical approach to the craft of comedy, such as the theory he creates about an act that contains no punchlines, so that the audience will eventually start laughing out of a response to unresolved tension.

I've seen Martin in interviews in the years since his stand-up career ended, and he always seems reluctant to discuss those years in any great depth. It's telling that the book's discussions of Martin's legendary appearances on the early years of Saturday Night Live are fairly brief, and he doesn't mention what might be his most famous sketch, "King Tut", at all. (It's referenced in a single photograph of Martin, in his trademark white suit from the time with his Tut head-dress on, walking onto the stage at a stand-up show of his from the era. The photo is taken from behind.)

The book ends pretty much as Martin's movie career begins, which I hope implies that a follow-up volume is in the offing, since I find Martin's film work more interesting. Only The Jerk is much covered here at all, which is a shame because I'd like to know more about his better films, such as Roxanne, LA Story, All of Me, Bowfinger, and his dramatic turn in Grand Canyon. (Hell, I wouldn't mind reading about his work on such "Huh-whuh?" projects as Sgt. Bilko and the recent Pink Panther remake, which I found funny but, well, definitely not good.)

:: I've noted a number of times that comics might be the ideal medium for Joss Whedon to maintain the Firefly universe; little did I know (because nobody told me!) that he's already been doing so, with a graphic novel called Those Left Behind. The book is set before the movie, apparently, and while I enjoyed it, I was surprised that it basically feels like a standard episode of the TV series. In a comics series, the concerns over effects budgets and pacing for commercial breaks don't exist, so I was surprised at the still relatively limited scope of this series.

It's a typical kind of Firefly plot, where Captain Malcolm Reynolds and crew are struggling for money and looking for any kind of job they can get, eventually settling on a gig that's probably more risk than reward, as many of their jobs end up being. In terms of story, Those Left Behind is nothing really spectacular, but the tone of the dialogue and the character interactions are spot on. Early on, there's a moment when a villain has the upper hand on Mal and crew, but when he decides to rub Mal's nose in it, Mal simply says, "This thing's goin' your way. Don't make it go another." And there's this exchange after a job falls apart completely and Mal, Jayne and Zoe have to make their escape via the sewer:

JAYNE: Gonna take a while for the stink of this to pass.

ZOE: Just a sewer, Jayne.

JAYNE: Weren't talking about the sewer.

MAL: Now ain't the time, Jayne. Understood?

JAYNE: Well, you just be sure and say when.

I like that exchange. All through this book, you can hear the show's actors saying these lines.

As I noted the other day, another Firefly comic is in the works. Since the next one will be a three-issue series, as was Those Left Behind, I'm concerned again about the scope of the story. Those Left Behind is simply too short. Maybe I'm overestimating the size of the market for Firefly comics, but I do wish that Whedon would be given some room to really tell a big whopper of a story...

:: ...kind of like how he was allowed to do on The Astonishing X-Men. I'm not sure how long Whedon's run on Astonishing lasted (or if it even ended), but what a run it was! Fun and exciting, with lots of terrific character moments as well as that typical Whedon "snap" in the dialog. A lot of the generic plot-devices of your typical X-Men story are on display here: the constant "anti-mutant hysteria", the rivalry between Logan and Scott Summers, the fact that the X-Men can save New York City in full public view of just about everybody and still get absolutely no credit for it, and so on. This was the first X-Men story I've read in quite some time, so I was unaware of some of the more recent developments in the X-verse, such as Emma Frost joining the X-Men (other developments I'll not mention, since they could be spoilers), but for the most part, it was very easy to get back into the swing of it all.

(And whoever's fault it is that Whedon's not on the Wonder Woman movie anymore can bite me.)

:: Saving the best for last in this post, Alex Ross's The Rest is Noise: Listening to the Twentieth Century is a remarkable book. It's a history of the classical music of the twentieth century, a century that saw classical music fall from grace in the eyes of many as other forms of music took hold of popular imagination. Ross's gift is his ability to show the continued relevance of classical music, and to demonstrate that it has, in many ways, remained vibrant all along, even as it moved into territories that most listeners were unwilling to go.

Ross takes a wise approach of avoiding a rigidly chronological approach to his subject, instead focusing each chapter on a specific subject: sometimes a single composer (Sibelius and Britten), sometimes a group of composers (American composers from Ives to Ellington), sometimes the musical life of a particular nation. The overall organization of the book is chronological, but the chapter-by-chapter focus is maintained in such a way as to keep the book from becoming a slogging parade of names and dates and musical works and musical terms. In this, Ross's approach reflects that of the great history writer Barbara Tuchman.

A book on this topic cannot succeed, however, unless its author is good at writing not just about personalities and historical trends but about the music. Here, Ross's gifts, long on display at The New Yorker as a classical music critic, shine especially brightly. He has that unusual ability to write about a musical work in such a way as to make you feel like you're actually hearing it (although I did find myself often wishing for a companion CD, only to learn of this page of audio samples after I finished the book).

The Rest is Noise is one of the best books on classical music I've read. Strongly recommended.

Merriment, or else!

I snagged this from SamuraiFrog, because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's snagging quizzes for the blog. Except for the dirty quizzes. Because those are, well, dirty. Ick!

Favorite traditional Christmas song: I love Christmas songs, the old ones, that is. "Angels We Have Heard On High" is a favorite, and it's also The Daughter's favorite. (In fact, at her very first Christmas church service, when she was all of six months old, when that one got to the melismatic "Gloria" part, she noted everyone around her singing and joined right in.) "Hark I Hear the Angels Sing" is great. Each year, the service we attend at our current church ends with "Silent Night", sung by the congregation in candlelight, with no organ accompaniment; it's moments like those that put me in touch with The Mystery.

And why stop at vocal music? In my college years, the orchestra's Christmas program always included Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite and Anderson's Sleigh Ride, both of which are dear favorites of mine. And there's the genius of Vince Guaraldi's music for A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Favorite contemporary or modern Christmas song: I'll define this fairly loosely, with "Modern" meaning, "written since 1900" or thereabouts. That said, I adore "The Little Drummer Boy". I just love that song to pieces. And yes, the definitive version for me is that wonderfully corny Bing Crosby-David Bowie duet. That thing makes my heart melt. I do like "White Christmas", although it's kind of ubiquitous this year. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is a bittersweet gem of a song, but the original version, the one sung by Judy Garland, not the one with the lyrics altered for Frank Sinatra. (Although that one is Sinatra, which is always fine as that goes.) "Do You Hear What I Hear" is always lovely. Bing Crosby was a great singer of Christmas music, I've found. And call me crazy, but I love "Feliz Navidad".

Least favorite Christmas song: I've added this question to the original, because you can't love all the Christmas songs that are out there, can you? So, that said: I hate "Carol of the Bells". I just hate it. I've never heard a rendition of it that I liked. With respect to SamuraiFrog, I can't abide that Chipmunks song, either. Or "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth". Or "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", because all I can think of is, what if the kid had come into the bedroom fifteen minutes later.

Christmas song that makes you cry: Any of them, if I'm in the right mood.

Real or artificial tree: It used to be real, but we received an artificial tree as a gift a few years back, and since then, that's what we do. We get the pine smell by burning pine candles and incense.

Favorite Christmas edible treat: Decorated sugar cookies. Caramel corn. Chocolate. English toffee. Peppermint ice cream. Christmas is a time of wonderful food.

White lights or multi-colored: White, although I like multicolored too. And you have to have lots of lights. Nothing's worse than a tree with not enough lights. On a lighting-related tangent, one of our family traditions (inherited from The Wife's family) is that after our Christmas Eve service, we drive around looking at the lights on all the houses for a while before going home to presents and family together-time. Also, there's a church in Ellicottville, NY that has in its yard a white marble statue of the Virgin Mary. It's a very simple statue, not gaudy or ostentatious in the way that many such things are. They don't do it anymore, to my knowledge, but they used to light that statue up during Advent with a pair of blue floodlights. It was among the most gorgeous things I have ever seen.

How many Christmas parties will you go to this year: One, it seems, at The Wife's workplace. I like Christmas parties and wish I got to attend more of them.

Favorite act of kindness to perform during this season: The best ones are the small ones, I think.

Favorite sounds of Christmas: Music. Pots and pans in the kitchen. The tearing of wrapping paper, followed later by the sudden snappings and rustlings as the cats attack the torn sheets that litter the floor. The Daughter's squeal of "This is it!" when she opens the gift she really wants. And silence.

Favorite things to wear: I made a red and green sweatshirt last time I did tie-dying; I like to wear that a lot in Christmastime, along with various combinations of red and green. (Under the overalls, of course.)

Favorite Christmas movie/TV special: Of course, A Charlie Brown Christmas; Linus's recitation of Luke chapter 2 may be the single best animation voicing ever. I also like Rudolph, although not as much as Charlie Brown. (I have to admit that I'm not a fan of the Grinch.) I actually liked The Polar Express, and I didn't hate the motion-capture animation, either. Love, Actually takes place at Christmastime, although I'm not sure I'd consider it a "Christmas movie". Ditto Lethal Weapon and On Her Majesty's Secret Service. I recall Christmas viewings of Holiday Inn, with certain family members of mine, after several beers, waxing indignant over the inherent insanity of casting Bing Crosby as a romantic lead.

I honestly don't like It's a Wonderful Life, and in an embarrassing admission, I've never seen A Christmas Story.

Favorite Christmas episode of a TV Series. I'm adding this question, too. The Christmas episode of My So-Called Life is amazing, as is the one from the first season of Once and Again. There's the Seinfeld episode where Kramer becomes a department store Santa and starts telling kids Communist propaganda. And yes, the Brady Bunch episode where Cindy asks Santa to give Mommy her voice back so she can sing in the Christmas church service. The brilliant Millennium's second season episode "Midnight of the Century" is amazing. The first season of The Wonder Years, where Kevin searched for the perfect gift for Winnie Cooper, was terrific. And while Friends had a lot of fine Christmas-related episodes, the one where Ross dresses up as "the Holiday Armadillo" in an attempt to get his Christmas-focused son interested in Hannukah is still one of the funniest TV episodes I know.

Eggnog or hot chocolate: Hot chocolate. I do like eggnog, but nobody else in the family does, so I rarely have it. Of course, hot chocolate mixed with coffee or a shot of espresso is best.

Favorite Christmas book: Huh. I genuinely can't think of one, other than Christopher Moore's The Stupidest Angel.

Christmas books on my "to read" list: None that I know of, although I suppose I should re-read A Christmas Carol one of these years. I haven't read it since eighth grade.

Peppermint or cinnamon: Both. Two of my absolute favorite flavors.

What's on the top of your tree: An angel with lights.

Traditional Christmas meal growing up: A turkey dinner, virtually identical to our Thanksgiving meal. These days we seem to have ham a lot, because I'm always in the mood for it. (Except for a few years back when The Wife got sick at Christmas and wasn't in condition to cook, so I whipped together a pastitsio and we had our "big meal" a few days later when she was better.)

Online shopping or traditional "go to the store" shopping: Both. For things I know I'm not going to be able to get in a store around here, I go online. But I love to shop in real stores. Christmas shopping at Vidler's should be legally required of every Erie County resident.

Something you received as a Christmas gift as a child that you still have: A nesting doll in the shape of a sailor, with his wife and kid inside. I got that in first grade.

How many Christmas cards you have mailed so far: None. I am so bad at getting cards out to the people who don't read this blog. Ugh. There's one dear old friend of mine – two, actually, they're married to one another, I played trumpet at their wedding – who always send us a card, but whom I never send anything. Wow, I'm a horrible person. I think I'll send her the link to this blog right now. Be right back....

Favorite source for Christmas ideas: You mean, how do I decide what to get people? I just kind of wander about until I think of something and a person to go with it – "Hey, ____ might like that!" That sort of thing.

Coordinated/themed or hodge-podge tree decorations: Hodge-podge. I find themed Christmas trees a bit disturbing.

What's on the top of YOUR Christmas wishlist: I don't really have a Christmas list this year. I just want some happiness for my family.

Roles you've played in Christmas plays/programs: I was never in a Christmas play or program as such. My college had a yearly Christmas musical program that involved each of the three major musical ensembles, so I sat in the trumpet section thereof.

Wrapping paper or gift bags: It depends; I tend to do both to a small degree. I also like to hide presents inside other presents: boxes within boxes, something tiny inside a nifty leather pouch, that sort of thing. (And when giving one's wife a new pair of overalls, the bib pocket is an ideal place to hide jewelry!)

When do you put up the tree: When we get around to it, really. We'd love to have it up earlier, but we usually have to wait until work schedules align so that we're all home some night. Our tree still isn't up for this year, sadly enough. The earliest I think we ever put it up was two years ago; we had it up a week or so after Little Quinn's death, just a few days into December.

When do you take the tree down: When we feel like it. Maybe we tend to put it up late so we compensate by taking it down late (we've been known to have it up as late as the first week of February). I don't really understand the impulse some folks have to rip it down within a day of Christmas ending. A Christmas tree is a beautiful thing; why remove something beautiful that quickly? I may not be wild about stores having Christmas merchandise for sale in October, but I have no problem with Christmas lights being up that early.

Do you have a nativity scene: Yes. It's a pretty standard affair. We also have a number of Christmas ornaments that depict the Nativity.

Hardest person to buy for: Nobody. Gift-giving became a lot easier with the advent of gift cards and my shift in gift-giving philosophy to giving stuff that reflects my tastes rather than the receiver's. I like to give copies of books and music that I love, for instance.

Easiest person to buy for: The Daughter, unless she's asking for something freakishly expensive. (She still believes in Santa, so shhhhh!)

Worst Christmas gift you ever received: Maybe I've just been lucky, but I don't recall receiving any gifts that I hated or were sheer crap. I don't remember it, thankfully, because I was only two at the time, but apparently I received a pair of Ernie slippers from my sister and I would have nothing to do with them. So began a lifetime of sibling hostility that only ended when we took up lightsabers and...OK, that didn't happen. But it's amazing how guilty you can be made to feel for stuff you don't remember doing, especially when you have a perfectly good reason for not remembering it, as opposed to not remembering it because the incident involves a large bottle of bourbon!

When do you start shopping for Christmas: I used to start really early. Like, October early. In recent years, I'm scrambling late in December. I'll be finishing my shopping this week, for instance. Ugh. I hate waiting that long.

Have you ever recycled a Christmas present: Nope, unless you count the bottle of liquor that I received at a work party one year. I don't remember what brand it was, but it was something I didn't care for so I toted it around for years until a couple of guys helped us with out last move. These guys were good guys, but they were the type of fellows who would drink anything you handed them. Sure enough, they were gleeful when we handed them twenty bucks and that bottle of whatever-it-was.

Travel at Christmas or stay home: We stay home, although we don't rule out traveling someday. Sadly, it's now becoming tradition that at some point Christmas day we drive out to Little Quinn's grave.

Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer: Yes. I could do it here, but even if I did, you could just haughtily suggest that I Googled them.

Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning: Christmas eve, after church and our annual "drive around and look at lights". We find that opening Christmas eve makes Christmas day a lot less hectic. We do keep a couple of The Daughter's gifts in reserve to be "from Santa".

Most annoying thing about this time of year: Hmmmm, tough one. Sanctimonious "more Christian than you" types who kvetch about the "war on Christmas". (A special subset thereof is people who whine about how we can't put Nativities on the town park or whatever. You want to put up a Nativity? Put it on your own lawn.) People who grunt about how much they hate Christmas, for no good reason. People who let their internal meanness show anyway. People who drag their kids on long days of shopping and openly yell at their children in the stores.

What I love most about Christmas: Snow. Quiet. Food. Light. Music. Good wishes, shared among friends. Bells. Cats in the wrapping paper. Red, green, silver, gold. Hugs. Family. Love. Luke, chapter two (and Linus's recitation of part of that book thereof in A Charlie Brown Christmas, surely the greatest single voiceover in animation history).

I tag everybody! Huzzah!!!

Stuff!

Some lazy linkage for a snowy Thursday evening:

:: Lynn Sislo hasn't posted in several days. As she lives in Oklahoma, I assume that this is due to the ice storm they had in those parts. I hope she's back online soon.

:: Do check out this wonderful article about visual injokes in Pixar's movies. I love stuff like this.

:: I suppose I should start reading Terry Pratchett sometime soon. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

:: When I become Supreme Ruler of Teh Universe, my first decree will be that all gas stations shall be one-way only, and that it will be illegal to swing your car into the opposite direction just because the one open pump is on the opposite side of your car as the gas cap. I am really tired of trying to figure out how to line up for a pump, when more often than not, the cars at the pumps will be facing me no matter which way I queue up.

:: Via Michael May I see that Joss Whedon's not done with the Firefly universe, and will tell more stories there in the best medium for the job: comics. In fact, he's apparently already done a comic of Firefly; I'll have to track that down. It's called Those Left Behind; the new one will be called Better Days. Cool. (Note to self: finish watching Firefly and then watch Serenity one of these days.)

Sunday Burst of Weirdness (Tuesday Edition)

Wow, I can't believe I forgot to do these two weeks in a row. Oops. I haven't been online a whole lot this past week, actually, so all I really have is to pithily note that someone got paid for writing this crappy tripe-fest of an article. Oy.

Light posting ahead

Hey, all you fine readers!

Just a quick note that the next couple of weeks will see a reduced frequency of new material on this blog, as the Gods of Hectic have decided to make me their plaything this year. Wow, have things gotten hectic. They've become so hectic that I just used the past participle of "got". You know it's hectic at Casa Jaquandor when that happens!

I'm not going on any kind of full hiatus or anything, because the blog still represents an island of sanity for me. (And there's a statement about my life, I guess -- I hang out in Blogistan for my daily dose of sanity.) But if two or even three days pass without anything new here, don't be alarmed.

It may be a while before I get back to fixing the Star Wars prequels or the 100 Movies You Must Like If You And I Are To Be Together Forever, but they won't be forgotten. Oh, and read the story I posted the other day! It's long, but it's one of my favorites of the tales I've spun in the past.

Anyway, now I gotta go. The Daughter has her first ever school concert tonight. Wow, she's growing up fast. Luckily, I have stopped aging completely.

Yeah, right....

Unidentified Earth 25?

No guesses? Aieee!

Sentential Links #121

Eleven Squared! Woo-hoo!

:: Anybody out there had any experience or have insights into ear candling? (Sounds like hooey to me.)

:: Why Al Roker is in my dreams, I don't know. (This man needs some stronger hallucinogenics. Salty language alert.)

:: I did the fake Christmas tree for a few years. But every year when I put that thing together, I would end up with scratches up and down my arm, some kind of puncture wound, a tree that looked like a drunk person put it together and a near nervous breakdown. (Nobody told me that Michele of formerly A Small Victory was blogging here. Demerits for all of you.)

:: I have to admit, though, that every time I see a new smear on Clinton, I waver. I figure if the fringe right hates her that much, she's probably just what we need. (I'm in a similar quandary. I actually lean toward Obama, but part of me really wants a Hillary Clinton presidency, just so I can watch Republican heads explode.)

:: I am pragmatic enough to recognize that many things I hope for will never come to pass. But I will deal with that each time it happens. I am still holding hard onto hope. (Not sure Belladonna would approve, but I can't help but read this with my mind doing the voice of Morgan Freeman.)

:: Now suppose you’re in your favorite bar and a big guy dressed in black leather, hung about with chains, walks over and bets you a hundred bucks that you can’t name the twelve cranial nerves. Here’s how you can conquer and win his hundred. (Great. Now he tells me.)

:: Imagine the Buffalo Skyway creatively re-engineered and readapted to function as a signature “green” multi-use mega-structure, complete with a glass enclosed “green roof” and pedestrian pathway instead of as an overhead roadway. (Wow. Just...wow.)

And there we have it.

Bills 38, Dolphins 17

Wow, they're actually in playoff contention! I certainly never expected this. I still don't expect them to actually make the playoffs, but the Bills have turned in one gutsy season, haven't they?

:: Trent Edwards: poise, confidence, and he showed that he can throw deep. Sorry, JP, but Trent's our boyfriend now.

:: Marshawn Lynch and Freddie Jackson, the newest Dynamic Duo of running backs. Here's hoping we're looking at the second version of Thurman Thomas and Kenneth Davis!

:: In the playoff hunt!

:: Over .500! Seriously, that to me is huge, especially the way this season started. Remember, I forecasted a 5-11 finish for this team, figuring that if they could go 7-9 with a younger group of players than the squad from last year that also went 7-9, I'd be highly impressed. And now, with three games left, they've equaled that win total. Wow.

:: John Beck. It's not like the Bills feature one of the NFL's stiffest defensive lines, but man, did Beck look like he had no idea what was going on. So far I'm not impressed.

:: The Dolphins. Man, have they fallen on hard times. Wow.

:: Bills safety George Wilson, who is now out for the year with a rib injury. This is a guy who was converted to safety from wide receiver, and has been playing quite well in that role. Bummer.

On another NFL note, I hereby proclaim Steelers safety Anthony Smith the NFL's Biggest Dumb-ass. Guaranteeing a win against the New England Richard Nixons? Come on! Why would you give those guys anything for their bulletin board at all? Sure, they've obtained their talent by consuming the souls of the innocent in blood-soaked rituals convened upon an altar of stone by the light of a full moon, but they're still the NFL's best friggin' team. Yeesh.

I'd like to see someone try reverse psychology against these guys. Have someone say, "Wow, they're going to kill us. I just hope we manage to only be behind by ten points as we go into the second quarter. We are so screwed." As soon as I saw that quote in the news last week, I immediately thought, "Well, so much for the Steelers restoring goodness and integrity to football. Maybe the Jets can do it the week after."

Yeah. Because if there's one group of guys who can pull it off, it's the Jets. And if Luke hadn't been there for the Battle of Yavin, Porkins could totally have destroyed the Death Star.

Next week: Buffalo at Cleveland, in the first really meaningful game, playoff-wise, for the Bills since the 2004 season finale (when they lost to the Steelers in a game that would have put them in the playoffs had they won). The Bills pretty much have to win out to make the playoffs, and anyway, this is their last game against an AFC opponent (their last two are against the Giants and Eagles), so for tie-breakers, this one's essential. How likely is a win? Who cares? I'm really starting to think that the Bills may be a serious contender next year, depending on how their draft and free agent acquisitions turn out.

The New England Nixons may have the wins...but there's no doubt that the Bills are the character champions of the NFL. Too bad they don't hand out the Lombardi Trophy on that basis!