Friday, September 18, 2009

"Partita for the End of the World" (fiction)

I've actually been meaning to post this for a while, and I'm doing so now because of a post of Lynn's, in which she asks for stories about "alien violins". This doesn't precisely fit the bill, since it's the violin that's alien, but here it is, anyhow. I wrote this last winter.

In writing this story, I was indebted to the book Stradivari's Genius, by Toby Faber, for factual information about the construction of violins. They're significantly more complex instruments than many realize, and I myself suspect that genius is best able to flower when applied to complex ideas rather than simple.


Jonah Wilhelm dug his fingernails into his palms as the craft entered the steepest phase of its descent. He had never traveled by spaceplane before, and he likely never would again; he hated flying on standard jets, and the spaceplane from Dallas to Inner Beijing was like that, only worse: higher, faster, steeper, louder, and generally far more terrifying. He'd relied on a full injection of Cannabia to get him through the two hours of the flight, and he was glad that the ship had finally landed. His benefactor, Mr. Lang of Lang World Industries, had insisted on footing the bill to bring him here via spaceplane on such short notice, but Jonah had insisted on a cruise ship for the trip home, when time would not be of the essence.

The ship landed on schedule and spent the requisite forty-five minute engine-cooling period on the tarmac at Inner Beijing Starport (why the Chinese insisted on calling them "starports" was not entirely clear, since they were still a year shy of when they'd theoretically receive the first transmission from the sleeper ship to Alpha Centauri). Then, finally, the doors were opened and the passengers – all of them the very richest of the rich, the only ones other than heads of state who could afford to travel by spaceplane – disembarked. Jonah arrived at the bottom of the stairs onto the tarmac to find a Chinese worker in a Halliburton Spaceways uniform already there, with Jonah's worn luggage in his hand. Jonah followed this fellow out to the area five-hundred feet away where the cars awaiting the passengers were all parked. One bore the famous symbol of Lang Industries, and the gray-haired driver stood almost at military attention as Jonah approached.

"Welcome to China, Mr. Wilhelm," the driver said in impeccable English as he took Jonah's bags from the Halliburton porter. "It is an honor to have an artist such as you with us, even for such a short time. Mr. Lang is looking forward to meeting you."

"How long will it be before I'm taken to him?" Jonah asked as he moved to climb into the car via the door that the driver opened for him.

"How long?" The driver looked puzzled at the fact that the question had even been asked. "When Mr. Lang is looking forward to something, he expects it immediately." Without another word he put the bags in the trunk, moved to his own door, and took his position behind the wheel. The car's engine hummed to life, and the driver sped away from the landing field, leaving the spaceplane behind.

The drive took about twenty minutes. The car surged past common traffic and onto the roadway of privilege, which was devoted exclusively to people like Mr. Lang. Jonah looked out the window as they powered past the other roads, which were almost choked with regular internal combustion cars, heading for the skyscrapers of Inner Beijing, with the now empty skyline of Old Beijing still visible beyond, where the rising seas had claimed part of Earth's most populous city. The departed shells of the old world, Jonah thought. No one had told Jonah why Mr. Lang had suddenly demanded his presence in Inner Beijing, but Jonah knew that there was only one thing it could be, given what he did for a living and what he knew Mr. Lang to be the owner of.

Shortly they arrived at the Lang Industries Building, a black and red needle of a tower rising almost tenderly into the sky. The driver guided the car into Mr. Lang's private garage, where he kept his prized collection of vintage automobiles that he never drove. Then they got out and walked to the elevator, which surged upward with stunning swiftness that seemed to begin before the doors had slid shut behind them. The walls of the elevator were decorated with conceptual paintings of Mr. Lang's most famous investment: New Beijing, which would be built on the plains of terraformed Mars. The images were striking in their vision and ambition, but Jonah couldn't look at them. The ascent was so quick that he felt like throwing up. Mr. Lang clearly enjoyed speed, or hated slowness. Or both.

Jonah didn't know if the ride ended at the top floor or not, but it ended nonetheless in a room that was decorated sparsely and tastefully with beautiful carpets and paintings and sculptures. Glass windows – real glass – overlooked the rest of Inner Beijing. And there, in front of it all, was Mr. Lang himself. He looked just like in the news vids: tall, graying, and utterly clean in his appearance.

"I have been waiting for you, Mr. Wilhelm," he said. "Did you find the
spaceplane enjoyable?"

Jonah glanced at the driver, whose face was a mask, and then he shrugged. "Not particularly," he answered. "I don't like flying."

Mr. Lang smiled. "Forgive me. It is so rare to meet someone so afflicted these days, when flight has become so intrinsic to human activity that is is almost as if we were meant for the sky after all."

Jonah smiled a bit in return. "If God had meant for us to fly...."

"Ah, but he did mean for us to fly," Mr. Lang said. "He gave us the ability to give wings to ourselves. Come; we have business to discuss." He dismissed the driver with a single gesture, and then took Jonah by the arm and began walking him through the lavish suite.

"You were surprised, I suppose, that I summoned you here?" Mr. Lang asked.

"Yes," Jonah admitted. "But also no. I'd hoped to come here one day. I even have a letter to you, sealed in an envelope in my desk drawer at home."

"And why have you not sent that letter?"

Jonah shrugged. "I never have stamps these days."

Mr. Lang chuckled. "A paper letter. That would likely have caught my eye. I know, you probably think that there is no possible way a letter from a man such as you could reach a man such as me. I am rich beyond the confines of this world...and yet you yourself are rich too, in many ways." He sighed. "Men such as you, who devote their lives to the practice of ancient crafts that are no longer much appreciated in this day and age when all we do is as ephemeral as a cloud of dandelion spores blown into a stiff wind, are very rich indeed. Ah, here is a case in point."

They had arrived at a glass case which held a samurai sword. It was, so far as Jonah could tell, a nearly perfect specimen of its kind.

"Do you know how old this blade is?"

Jonah shook his head; he knew nothing about swords. "Three hundred years?"

Mr. Lang shook his head.

"Four hundred?"

"Hardly! It is actually less than forty years old. It was my first commission of an art object. I sought out the master swordmaker Sensei Yoshi of Kobe, and paid him to create the finest blade that he could craft. Money, I told him, was of no concern: I would pay whatever he needed to come as close to pure perfection in his craft as he could, and this is the result. Master Yoshi spent nearly seventy of his ninety years in this world developing his skills with sword and steel. He studied the writings of the masters from centuries before, he studied every elder blade he could find. He mastered the techniques of folding the molten metal back on itself dozens of times, strengthening the metal with each fold, and he mastered the technique of inserting into the metal a length of softer metal that would absorb the shock of impact in a duel. Master Yoshi was the finest of all Japanese swordsmiths until he died, nearly thirty years ago. Until the day he died, he had standing permission to fly to my home, whenever he wanted and at my expense, to look anew upon his greatest work."

Jonah had been slowly walking around the glass case, admiring the sword, as Mr. Lang had spoken. "How many times did he take you up on that offer?"

"Not once," Mr. Lang said. He ran a finger across the glass. "This blade has not been touched by a human hand since the day I locked it inside this case," he said. "I think you now begin to understand why I have brought you here."

Jonah nodded. "I do."

Mr. Lang smiled. "Then come. It is in the next room."

Jonah followed Mr. Lang past several more display cases containing fabulous works of art into another, smaller room that had no windows. This walls of this room were paneled with rich wood and a paneled wooden floor as well. One wall was dedicated to bookshelves that bore several hundred old volumes, more than a few of which Jonah recognized on sight. Another set of shelves held stacks of papers, some bound and some not. Along the far wall was a low table of ebony, where the thing that Jonah had come all the way from Dallas to see rested on a formed bed of velvet.

"Go ahead," Mr. Lang said. "You have come a long way."

Jonah's breath became very, very slow as he approached the table. He'd longed for this moment for most of his adult life, and now that it was upon him he did not know what to feel. What lay on the table before him was the last object of its kind in the world.

It was a violin, the last known existing Stradivarius violin.

Jonah leaned forward, down over the table, and inhaled deeply as if to draw in the aroma of the bygone world when and where it had been made. Drawing in a deep breath of air, Jonah thought that he could almost smell the aroma of Cremona, Italy, around 1680. It would have been the aroma that he had breathed in. The air that had filled the lungs of Nicolo Stradivari as he had crafted, one after the next, the greatest stringed instruments the world had ever known, a legacy now distilled to this single last exemplar.

The violin here was, as all the Strads in the world had been, the most beautiful examples of instrument-making possible. The proportions of the soundbox, the precision in the ratios of the scroll, the flawless insertions of the purfling, the perfect color of the wood itself – all were the hallmarks of the Stradivarius instruments. Here it was, within Jonah's reach: the last of the Strads.

"Go ahead," Mr. Lang said. "You came all this way. There is a bow in the drawer."

Jonah's breath trembled. He opened the drawer and took out the bow that rested within. It was a good bow, of course, but the secret of the Strad had nothing to do with the bow; it was in the almost superhuman skill Antonio Stradivari had had in his fingers, skill with woodworking and inlaying and carving and mathematics and in capturing perfect sound in a medium of wood. Knowledge of aesthetics, of acoustics, of tone and sound and technique and probably even chemistry, for all anyone knew so many centuries after the work of the great luthiers of Cremona, centuries during which the secret of the varnish used on the violins had never been solved to anyone's satisfaction.

Jonah held the bow in the fingers of his right hand, and, knowing that he was not worthy to do so even as he was doing it, with his left he took up the Strad violin called Messiah. He hefted it in that hand once, savoring its weight – within ounces of every violin he'd ever held, and yet somehow possessed of many times the heft, the heft of history – and then lifted it to his neck.

The varnish, even after four hundred years, still felt warm and supple beneath his fingers. The violin's weight was pleasing, and the instrument's balance was uncannily perfect. "Balance", he thought, recalling the Katana blade Mr. Lang had shown him earlier. Balance, that ethereal quality that marked the greatest art objects in the world, no matter what the medium. Stradivari's gift of balance was equal to that of the greatest swordmaker.

The wood was also warm to his skin, when he placed it beneath his chin. Jonah knew that Mr. Lang was not a player, so unless the industrialist had tried his hand with this violin in a private moment – something which Jonah found unthinkable, now having met the man – this would be the first time this instrument had been sounded in nearly sixty years. As the number of existing Strads in the world had dwindled, the days of their ownership by the musicians for whom they were meant had also ended, and the last instruments had passed into the hands of private owners until one by one even those instruments succumbed to the weight of time that not even the hand of Stradivari of Cremona could stay. He had done his work so well, made instruments so great, that they had become so highly valued that no actual musician could afford to own them. Thus it had come to pass that the sounds of the Strads had faded completely from the world's concert stages, with the strains of Mendelssohn, Beethoven, Berg being heard from those instruments no more. From there it had been nothing more than time, and decay, and in some horrible cases fire and willful destruction, that had made a memory of all the world's Strads. All, now, but one.

Jonah felt his breath leave his body with the first vibrations of the unfingered G string. He'd tried to imagine this moment so many times, and still it stunned him, the astonishing depth and focus of the tone that came from those strings. This room was small, but even if it had been one of the largest concert halls in the world – the venerable Musikverein in Vienna, perhaps, or maybe the now half-submerged Carnegie Hall – Jonah knew that this single G would have shot through the great space of the hall to be heard by a listener in the most distant seats along the back wall. Such had been Stradivari's mastery, his ability to craft from the same wood as anyone else an instrument that could focus sound to a level that could only be described as laser-like. Jonah collected his emotions and dutifully tuned the other strings in their turn.

Those thoughts, though, had little bearing on the matter at hand. Jonah drew another breath, and then lifted the bow to begin playing the work he always played on instruments he didn't know, Bach's Partita No. 3 in E for solo violin.

Jonah closed his eyes as he played, and was thus unaware that Mr. Lang had begun casually circling the room, nodding his head in rhythm with the music. The piece was perhaps an obvious choice, but Jonah had never been able to think of one better. It was, he had found, the intersection of perfection that made such a piece in such a situation so preferable; it was as if the minds of Stradivari and of Bach were being brought together through the intermediary of, Jonah well knew, an inferior mind. Nevertheless, here they were: a gentleman of Cremona making the renewed acquaintance of the master from Leipzig, with the introductions coming from a man from Dallas and being made possible by the wealthy benefactor of Inner Beijing.

Jonah wended his way through the pages of the Partita, seeing the musical lines in his mind's eye as he played them, to the point that he even envisioned the place in the piece where, in the copy of the work that he'd learned in his student days, the page had to be turned. He played and played, and after the piece's four minutes were over, he lowered the bow and waited for a few seconds of silence, as if allowing the echo to die away even though, in this small room, there was no echo at all.

"Wonderful," Mr. Lang finally said. "You might have been underselling your skill as a performer, all these years."

"I doubt that." Jonah lifted the bow again and played the first few bars of the Mendelssohn concerto. "There isn't much of a market for violin soloists these days. Or orchestral musicians, for that matter."

"There is enough of one for you to have found work," Mr. Lang countered. "Enough work, in fact, to live reasonably comfortably."

"I have filled a niche," Jonah admitted. "But it's a niche that could have been filled by anyone."

"Not so," Mr. Lang said. He walked over to a bookshelf and pulled down an old, weathered volume. Opening it, he showed one of its pages to Jonah. It was a page of orchestral score, from a symphony, in fact; Jonah recognized it almost immediately as the scherzo from Beethoven's Symphony No. 7. "Original paintings by Van Gogh sell for hundreds of millions of dollars now. So do original manuscripts of, say, William Faulkner. A Shakespeare First Folio? There are more nations on this planet that couldn't make such a purchase with their entire annual gross domestic poduct than ones that could. And things like this violin, or the few Stradivarius cellos that still exist: all things that carry prices that render mere discussion of their merits an almost absurd prospect. But what about music? Why shouldn't a manuscript in Bach's hand of, say, the Brandenburg Concertos command as much a price as a Shakespeare First Folio? What is it about music that makes this so?"

"A music score is not meant for the eye," Jonah replied. He'd often wondered the same thing. "The value of a music score, its greatness, is not inherent in its pages but in the sounds that result when the score is performed by musicians under the constraints of what the composer wished to hear."

"But the same can be said of the violin in your hand," Mr. Lang said. "The
violin is a tool, is it not? Is it truly an object in itself? Would not the violin be meaningless without the hand of a Heifetz, and the pages written by a Brahms to guide him?"

Jonah involuntarily glanced down a the violin in his hand. Mr. Lang was wrong, obviously. The violin WAS a thing of beauty, a thing for the eye as well as for the ear. The proportions were so precise, the instrument's curves so feminine. Surely not everything Stradivari had done had been geared toward fashioning an instrument to be heard and not seen. That would, Jonah thought, be almost cruel.

Mr. Lang seemed to have been reading Jonah's thoughts when he spoke again. "I suppose it seems selfish of me, doesn't it? Keeping an instrument such as this locked away where it cannot be heard. But we reach a point, do we not, where such things become so valuable in themselves that it becomes impossible to continue to allow them to circulate in the world? That partita you just played: over this violin's lifespan, how many times do you think its strings have sounded that exact work? Can the violin itself be said to have a memory of the music performed upon it?"

Jonah nodded. "That is not a new thought," he said. "Berlioz once wrote something like that, in his Evenings With the Orchestra. He imagined a piano at a competition, being played over and over again by the competitors, each of whom was required to play the same concerto. Toward the competition's end, the piano had been made to perform that concerto so much that it began to play the concerto itself, and when the piano was chopped into a thousand pieces with an ax, even the individual keys scattered across the ground still went on, playing that same concerto."

"No new thoughts under the sun, I suppose," Mr. Lang said. "Come, Mr. Wilhelm. I would share a drink with you, and tell you why I have consented to your coming here."

"I was wondering that myself," Jonah said as he placed the Messiah violin back down on its stand and returned the bow to its drawer. Mr. Lang then led him out of this room, and down a short corridor to a living area confined by a number of bookshelves arranged around a corner area of the larger room. The floor-to-ceiling windows here overlooked the spectacular skyline of Inner Beijing, which lept up to full height right at the side of the sea and extended inland almost to the very horizon. Jonah descended onto a soft leather bench while Mr. Lang poured him a glass of wine; then Mr. Lang joined him at the opposite end of the same bench.

"You have never been to Inner Beijing, I assume?"

"Never."

"I can usually tell. The scale of this city always humbles those who see it the first time."

Jonah drew in a deep breath. Some part of his brain was still echoing the strains of that Bach partita.

"Many violinists have contacted me through the years, imploring me to give them the privilege I have just afforded you. I have granted none of these requests...and yet, here you are, without having made any request of me at all. Do you know why this is so?"

Jonah sipped his wine again. The answer was obvious. "Because I do not play violins by trade," he said. "I make them."

Mr. Lang nodded. "You do more than make them, Mr. Wilhelm. Your instruments are the best now in the world today. All violinists know this. It is said that to play a Wilhelm is as close as one can come these days to playing a Strad. Although we both know that isn't quite the case, don't we?" He smiled and raised his glass a little, and Jonah nodded.

Everyone he had ever known in his youth had thought it foolish of him to pursue such a trade. No one still wanted handmade instruments in this day and age, not new ones, anyway. There was no market at all for new instruments, not when there were enough old ones to satisfy the needs of violinists worldwide. The making of violins had been revolutionized, as had the making of just about all things, but the onward march of technology, so much so that there were now fewer than fifty people in the world who made instruments by hand. Of these, Jonah Wilhelm was universally recognized as the finest. His instruments were the only ones of modern make that were used with any frequency at all by the very greatest of the world's violin soloists, and ten of the violinists in the Berlin Philharmonic were now performing on Wilhelm instruments. But still, his violins were but pale reflections of the ones made four hundred years before by the master of Cremona.

Jonah Wilhelm had grown up wanting to be a professional violinist, of course. Living with his father as a boy after his mother had died very early on of cancer, Jonah had discovered music at a very early age, and his father, a repairman and in his spare time an amazing woodworker, had done everything he possibly could to encourage his son. So Jonah had practiced for hours a day, and thrown himself into his studies, and worked and worked and worked until he'd been accepted to the Curtis Institute, the nearly legendary music school in Philadelphia where, once accepted, every student attended tuition free. It would have put Jonah on the fast track to a life of musical excellence, had his train from Dallas to Philadelphia not derailed unexpectedly just outside Louisville. Fourteen people had died in the accident, but Jonah's injuries had not been chiefly limited to his left arm in general and his left hand specifically. The hand he used on the fingerboard.

Years of physical and occupational therapy restored his finger dexterity to a reasonably normal level; he was able to play again. But he was never and would never be able to maintain the complete command over his fingers that he would have needed to be any kind of musical performer at all. The most he might be able to muster would be three or four minutes at a time before his reconstructed ligaments and finger bones betrayed him again, before his nerves went numb from overexertion. The most he'd be able to play would be something roughly the duration of that Bach partita. So he'd gone to school in Texas instead, to study music education. To be a teacher.

It was in his junior year of college that Jonah's life had changed. For his birthday, his father had taken him to hear Josephine LaMotta, the newest wunderkind violinist from Canada, who was now blossoming into the spot vacated by the passings of such greats as Midori and Joshua Bell. Jonah had never been to hear such a luminary soloist before, and he had felt tremendous anticipation when he and his father had taken their seats in the upper mezzanine of the Dallas Symphony concert hall. Miss LaMotta had been on hand to play the Tchaikovsky concerto, one of the greatest of the repertoire's old warhorses – but when she had emerged onto the stage, her Strad violin in hand, both Jonah and his father had audibly gasped.

Never before that moment had Jonah ever realized just how much of his father's keen eye for woodworking he had inherited or how much of his knowledge he had gained seemingly through pure osmosis until the moment he laid eyes on Miss LaMotta's Strad violin. Even from his distance fifty feet away, he could see the sharp tiger-striped pattern of the instrument's back panel, the shocking striping in the maple. He was transfixed by the shimmering red of the varnish, and he could see the perfect proportions of the violin's scroll. As Miss LaMotta took up the strains of the Tchaikovsky, Jonah found himself wondering how Stradivari had done it. And his father, he could see when he glanced over at him, was thinking the same thing.

On the drive home, Jonah asked if he could work in his father's workshop, using his father's tools. His father had smiled and said, "You know, they've been trying to figure out Stradivari's secret for four hundred years."

Jonah remembered nodding, as his mind already began to work through various problems, such as how he would carve the f-holes, how he would insert the purfling, whether he would create the back plate from two pieces of wood or just one. The next morning, when he had risen, he read on the Net that Josephine LaMotta's plane had crashed on its way to Los Angeles. She was dead, and her violin was destroyed. Sick with grief over the passing of an artist and perhaps even sicker over the passing of her instrument, it was on that morning that Jonah began work on his first violin.

He still had that instrument, locked away with all of his father's belongings back on what they affectionately called "the Ranch". He had not taken it out or looked at it in twenty years. It had only been a start, and it had taken him eight years to produce an instrument worthy of being purchased by an actual musician – in that case, the fiddler for a Celtic band from upstate New York. In his heart he considered such a use of the fruits of a luthier's craft somewhat disappointing, but he kept those feelings in check for a sale, after all, was a sale. And now it was only a matter of time. Ten years on, he knew that his instruments were very good, perhaps among the best possible to make in this day and age. Thus was his career born, although even then he'd never believed he would become the finest luthier in the world. With every instrument he had ever made, no matter to whom it sold or how it was used, he had approached each of them the same way: as experiments in his lifelong quest to meet the mind of Antonio Stradivari, four hundred and fifty years after the Cremonese master's death.

"It's not the music with you," Mr. Lang said. "It's the mystery. You want to know how he did it. How he made them. Your pursuit has been so single-minded that you have come closer than anyone since he himself walked the streets of Cremona – but in other ways, you are as far away from him as if you were standing on the surface of another world entirely. Your appreciation of that instrument" – he gestured to the vault fom which they'd just come – "is not for what it could be in your hand, but in what it actually is. That speaks to my cybernano-enhanced heart."

Jonah sipped his wine. "You seem to know a great deal about me."

Mr. Lang shrugged. "I always do my research on those with whom I would do business. But even all the research in the world can lead to disaster. I had to meet you myself, to learn if I was right. And I soon realized that I was."

"When?"

"When you played that Bach partita, instead of the Brahms concerto, or the Tchaikovsky, or the Bruch."

Jonah laughed. "That's it? Because I chose the partita instead of, maybe, Vaughan Williams's The Lark Ascending?"

"You chose a piece that would display the qualities of that instrument by itself. A concerto requires an orchestra; the partita requires a violin and a violinist."

Jonah leaned forward on his seat. "So having passed your test, why am I here, Mr. Lang?"

Mr. Lang set his empty wine glass down on the glass-topped table between them and likewise leaned forward. "I am seventy years old, but I will live for many more years, Gods and nanocybernetics be willing. Nevertheless, I have given much thought to what my legacy on this world will be. For what will they remember Lang of Inner Beijing?"

Jonah stared hard at Mr. Lang, wondering if he was joking. "But...won't they remember the sleeper ship to Alpha Centauri? The developments of nanocybernetics that you helped to discover?"

Mr. Lang nodded. "They will remember all those things, and more. But no man such as I is content to be remembered for just one or two things. My mark on the world must be more than just 'who stood here' or 'who discovered this'. I would be as Cato, and have everyone ask where the statues of me are than why there are statues of me in the first place."

Jonah sat still, not giving any reply. Little of this was making any sense to him at all.

"So, Mr. Wilhelm, what I would have you do is this: unlock the secret of the Stradivarius violins once and for all. Surpass them. I would be your benefactor, as you supplant the name Stradivarius with that of Wilhelm."

Now Jonah laughed. The idea was ludicrous, totally and utterly ludicrous. There could be no surpassing Stradivari; the very notion was laughable. Mr. Lang's expression did not change in any way, and Jonah caught himself. "This can't be," Jonah said.

"Of course it can. Have you never wondered just why it is that Stradivari left no successors? Why his standard of excellence did not foster a tradition of innovation and improvement? Had things gone their normal course, Stradivari would be remembered now as the one who began the journey, not the one who reached an apex that is unreachable forevermore."

Jonah frowned. That Stradivari had left no disciples, no one to carry on his work, had indeed vexed him over the years, but over time he had accepted this, and come to his final thoughts on that matter. "Perhaps," he said, "it is the case that Stradivari actually did reach an apex that is unreachable forevermore."

Mr. Lang laughed. "Now what kind of manner of thinking is that for a man such as yourself? Why would you accept such a state of affairs? Why else would you have devoted so much of your life to the pursuit of Maestro Stradivari's secrets? Why do any of it at all?"

Jonah was beginning to succumb to Mr. Lang's insistence, but even so he did not quite want to appear just yet that he was beginning to succumb. So he pushed his line of thought even farther. "Not all of us are interested in pushing the envelope of human enterprise forward," he said. "Some of us truly are content to learn what we can of what has gone before. Archaeologists still study the Pyramids of Giza, even though no one thinks they are trying to figure how to build better pyramids."

"Of course not, Mr. Wilhelm. But why they are learning is still important, and in a key way it has nothing to do with how to build pyramids at all, but rather how best to learn from those who have gone before. Which is what you have been trying to do, all your life. Were you truly satisfied, you would not have accepted my invitation to begin with."

Jonah sighed, finally conceding the point. "I am flattered that I have impressed you this much, Mr. Lang, but what you ask is beyond me."

"Perhaps it is. Perhaps it is not. That is not for you to decide though, is it?"

"Then whose?"

"The violins. When you have hit your mark, the violin will let you know."

***


Jonah leaned back in his seat as the spaceplane finally reached the point of cessation of acceleration. He was tired, terribly tired, and he had no idea how he was going to go about the job that had just been handed him. Mr. Lang was to pay Jonah for everything. He would have living expenses, access to the finest materials and tools, and he would have access to the latest research into woodworking techniques and other topics that might be germane to the creation of a violin. All of his expenses would be paid, every one, until he reached his goal. Mr. Lang had admitted that this was a calculated risk on his part, but he had time – nanocybernetics, after all – and he had money. Likely Jonah would be on his payroll for the rest of his life. In a perverse moment, Jonah thought to spend many years living off Mr. Lang's largesse, producing a single violin of deeply flawed workmanship, and then delivering it to the old man when he was on his own deathbed. This plan, of course, went nowhere except Jonah's own head. He had, if nothing else, tremendous professional pride, and, now he had lots of money. And in any case, Mr. Lang had done nothing worthy of such a treatment.

Of all the things Mr. Lang had promised would be his for the next however many years this took – it was an open-ended commitment – the one that excited Jonah the most was the wood. Jonah had never been able to shake his suspicion that the wood had been one of the most important factors in the success of the Strads, but he'd never been able to truly confirm this. It would take a fairly controlled experiment, after all, a simple comparison. All one had to do was find two violins made of different wood but by the same luthier, someone clearly in the same level of skill as a Stradivari. That was all.

Obviously it had never been done.

His production ground to a halt for more than a year, as Jonah spent that first year and a significant part of the second reading, barely touching wood at all. He was studying anew every aspect of acoustics, of the sonic qualities of wood, of the traditional varnishes of the Cremonese woodworkers – everything he could possibly think of that might have an effect on his work. Surely the perfection of the Stradivarius instruments had not been completely due to their maker, but also in some part reflective of something in the time and place from which those instruments had come. Terroir, the French called it – even though that term was used for wine, not violins or cellos.

Sixteen months after his meeting with Mr. Lang, Jonah Wilhelm walked into his workshop begin violin-making for the second time in his life. Even though he was already renowned in the music world as one of the finest luthiers anywhere, he was, for all intents and purposes, starting over completely.

As the money flowed, he found himself experimenting with exotic hardwoods he would never have otherwise been able to use, on the assumption that perhaps maple wasn't the best wood for violin-making after all. After two years, all this study resulted in the production of a single instrument, which he allowed to cure for one month before finally testing. Its sound was penetrating, no question about it, but it had a harsh sheen that he found unacceptable. He'd had a feeling this would be the case, even as he'd been carving the backplate to shape from the mold he'd copied from one of Stradivari's own. This violin he rejected, without even giving it a name.

The second fared little better in the sound department, which was a disappointment to him because he felt that with this particular instrument he was finally beginning to produce some very fine purfling indeed, which he now did purely by hand. In fact, as he put the finishing touches on this second violin, he was already planning to make the third completely by hand, with no power tools whatsoever. Jonah had decided that if he was going to try to improve upon Stradivari, he would have to go back in time to meet Stradivari, as closely as he could.

Thus began the third violin, as he headed into the fourth year of his work. Mr. Lang contacted him monthly, always out of courtesy and interest and never as a means of attempted influence. There was truly no pressure at all, at least not from his employer. The outside world exerted a good deal of pressure on its own.

As he was applying the second coat of varnish to this third violin, Jonah received the e-notification that his father had died. It had been expected for some time, since Mr. Wilhelm had opted to have his nanocybernetics deactivated. "They can't keep me alive forever," he had said, "and I don't want to be around for the final stages when these things start going haywire."

"No one knows if they ever go haywire, Dad," Jonah had said, but his father had been insistent.

"Jonah, sooner or later everything that is made by human beings goes haywire. Things either break or fall apart or stop working. Hell, sooner or later we either break or fall apart or stop working. It's the way things are." There'd been a silence, and then: "Jonah, it's the natural way of things that the Strads are all gone."

Jonah had left the violin to dry as he had gone to his father's funeral. His quest for perfection would now be carried out alone.

As he finished Instrument Number Three in the Lang series, Jonah decided that this instrument would carry a name. He would name it for his father, and as such, he would make certain that this instrument would be worthy of carrying that name. He already knew that this would be the best violin he had ever made. From this point on, every violin would be the best he'd ever made.

Even as the world awaited the first transmissions from the Alpha Centauri sleeper ship, and even as the Palestinian Republic declared war on Israel, and even as hostilities began again on the Sino-Russian border, Jonah's pursuit was the only thing he cared about. He would go afar in his pursuit of craft, seeking to learn ever more about the working of wood in the service of his art. Jonah traveled to the tiny Amish communities in Pennsylvania, the few that were left, to watch the artisans there carve with expertise still handed down from fathers to sons even in the face of a world where the very march of aging had been slowed to a barely-perceptible crawl. He journeyed to villages on the Canadian Atlantic coast where scrimshaw was still practiced, on genetically-cultivated ivory. He journeyed to Japan to see the swordmakers at work, even though the forging of metal had nothing to do with violin making but everything to do with ancient craft. From all these pursuits and more Jonah derived inspiration and knowledge, and he realized that while he had before achieved great success on the level of his talent alone, now he was actively pushing his skills to the farthest limit he could possibly reach – and even farther. The third violin he produced he named the Michael Wilhelm, as he had promised himself all along. The instrument sold for a high price to the concertmaster for the New York Philharmonic Orchestra, and almost immediately word began to seep out among the small but worldwide community that Jonah Wilhelm of Dallas, Texas had achieved a leap in quality no one could have foreseen. The recognition in the music world gave Jonah some comfort, although he reacted harshly to an interviewer who dared call him "the new Stradivari". Jonah knew how far short of that goal he still was, even if no one else did.

It was during his making of the sixth violin that antennae on the Moon finally received a transmission from the sleeper ship to Alpha Centauri. All the world was transfixed as the tale came in: the valiant efforts of the crew to keep the sleepers alive as they repaired their ship, damaged in the transit of Alpha Centauri's Oort Cloud; the insertion into orbit of the system's second planet, which was almost Earthlike in nature; the voyage via dropship onto the planet surface. And then there had been the images, sent toward Earth four years before, of the surface of an extra-Solar world. A planet of purple skies and white grassplains, of rocky mountains covered with snow as white as that on Earth (why wouldn't it be, after all), of "forests" of great black "trees" covered with immense green leaves. Over the next months, the scientific information came fast and furious from Alpha Centauri: biological information on the flora and fauna of the new planet, geological surveys of the landmasses heretofore discovered, climate studies, analytical data of soil samples, and more. This became the golden age of planetary astronomy as the information came in a steady stream from the colony on Alpha Centauri II, a world whose new inhabitants, unwilling to wait for the United Nations to reach consensus and then for news of that consensus to travel the four years to them, named their world New Ithaca.

And through all this, Jonah Wilhelm made violins. His devotion to his hand-made craft was such that even among the musical mainstream filled with people who had never once in their lives touched an acoustic instrument, Jonah's violins became the most sought-after instruments in the world, and beyond music some even credited him with the great resurgence in the great hand-craft movement of the early twenty-second century. But he cared about none of that, because he knew that no matter how revered his violins might be, none had yet approached the Strads of his dreams.

Mr. Lang continued to check in on him once a year, and he kept the money coming, despite the fact that Jonah could not in all honesty tell him that he was getting any closer to even equaling Stradivari, much less surpassing him. He had at his fingertips the results of every single scientific study ever performed on the Stradivarius violins ever undertaken, including some that had definitively concluded that the secret lay in the wood and others that the secret lay in the varnish – but when he tried to work based on the findings of those studies, his violins were still inferior.

Ten years became fifteen, and then twenty. Jonah's nano-cybernetics kept him going well past the age where he might otherwise have expected arthritis to rob him of his work. Meanwhile more and more data came from New Ithaca. The colony was – or had been, four years earlier – doing very well now that the colonists had become acclimated to their new world. They had integrated their buildings, erected from the converted hull of the sleeper ship itself, into the environment extremely well, and they were even able to announce the birth of the colony's first child. The first human being born outside the Solar System.

Jonah was now over eighty years old. He was now experimenting with different carving strategies and different woods and different varnishes. Some of his violins from this period were utterly ghastly in their sound, but even these were useful, pointing up the experimental paths that he felt sure that Stradivari must have taken as well. How many violins had the great master of Cremona himself rejected and thrown into the fires, he often wondered? And how many of the rejected violins had still been greater than the ones Jonah was now making, four hundred years later?

Jonah's thirty-fifth violin, a masterpiece, sold to Fiona March of Great Britain for a tremendous amount of money on the same day that Mr. Lang and his fellow investors announced construction of the second sleeper ship to Alpha Centauri. Over the next few months the United Nations finally dissolved permanently over the disputed use of the Great Lakes waters, the Battle of Mecca killed thousands, and forest fires swept across Greenland. It was an ugly time on Earth, and it was then that Mr. Lang came to visit Jonah in Dallas.

"You have done well," Mr. Lang said when he had finished his brief tour through Jonah's workshop. This hadn't taken long. The workshop was still what it had always been: a small room whose floor was littered with sawdust and whose tables were covered with carving tools and blocks of wood and violin templates and lengths of violin string and books on acoustics and printouts of the scientific data beamed back from New Ithaca – particularly the information on the trees there.

"Not well enough," Jonah replied. He brushed a lock of wispy silver hair from his eye; Mr. Lang still looked as youthful as ever. Jonah had allowed for some aging from his nano-cybernetics, while Mr. Lang had opted for unending youth. "I have not equaled Stradivari," Jonah said. "I never will."

"Yes, you will. You have figured out so much."

"I am an old man, Mr. Lang. I cannot do this forever."

"You could come closer than Stradivari ever did."

Jonah looked down at his hands – his old, weathered hands with joints that still moved smoothly and painlessly. The hands that had crafted so many violins, that had taught him so much and had seen him through so much work and trouble. The hands that could almost make a violin on pure muscle memory.

"You know you could," Mr. Lang pressed on. "I look around this place and I see not a workshop for a craftsman, but the laboratory of a scientist. You have been crafting hypotheses based on your own observations, you have been testing them, and you have been rejecting the fruitless paths for the ones that are almost certainly those also trod by our master of Cremona. But now, I suspect you have reached an impasse, and it is not a matter of age or weariness. Am I right?"

Jonah stared hard at Mr. Lang, amazed anew at how sharp his mind was even at the age of one hundred ten. Mr. Lang glanced over at Jonah's reading desk, tucked away in a corner, with titles piled upon it such as A History of Western Music, The Great Violinists, and Tales from Alpha Centauri.

"You have a request for me, do you not?" Mr. Lang asked.

Jonah lowered his head. He did indeed have a request, and it was why he had contacted Mr. Lang and requested to meet with him, even though he had never expected Mr. Lang to come to him. Then he lifted his head and looked around his workshop, the same as Mr. Lang had just done.

"It is the wood," he said. "I know it is. Something in the soil or the trees of Cremona, perhaps...I don't know if there was something special in the maple of Italy in the 1600s, or if it was his varnish, or his perfect craftsmanship, or some combination of all of that. It was probably all of those things, actually. He went as far as he could with the materials and skills of his time, and I have done the same – and I am still behind him. One reaches a point where environment determines everything."

Mr. Lang nodded. "There is only one conclusion, then, isn't there?"

"My craft cannot improve," Jonah said. "But...perhaps my materials can."

"And where would you go for better materials?"

"Alpha Centauri," Jonah said. Mr. Lang was already nodding. "I've read the botanical studies of the trees there. The trees of New Ithaca have wood that is very hard, but also acoustically supple in a way not seen here on Earth. They may have the wood I need."

"That is a great length to take on, for a hypothesis that may yet fail."

"I have already failed, Mr. Lang. Even if I go to New Ithaca and make a violin that is the better of anything Stradivari ever did, I will have not done so here. I will not have made this world's greatest violin – I will have made New Ithaca's."

Mr. Lang smiled, and leaned in close. "Then why go? There is no returning to this world. There are no sleeper ships that come back to Earth. Once you leave, you are gone forever. Why go?"

Jonah shook his head. "Because I have to know if I can do it," he said. "I knew I had to go as soon as I saw the pictures of those trees. A whole new world with wood never carved – I have to go there and make a violin. The principles of Stradivarius, taken to the stars."

Mr. Lang nodded. "Then you shall have a berth."

***


Two years went by, and they were the busiest two years of Jonah Wilhelm's life. He had so much to learn, so many skills to develop, which at his advancing age required more effort than on many days he thought he could exert in any meaningful way. Much of it seemed foolish to him, a waste of time. He wasn't going to Alpha Centauri as part of any scientific team, nor was he going in any capacity as a seed colonist. He was going for one reason, and one reason only. When that reason finally hit the Net, the controversy became almost too much for him to bear. This he dealt with in the way he had always dealt with such things in the past. He buried himself in his work: his studies for the fifty-year transit, his physical regimen to prepare himself, and the carving of his final violin on Earth, the one that would carry the only name left that he had never given to an instrument. Rose. His late wife, gone now for forty years.

The Rose violin was debuted in performance by its owner, Katherine Quinn, concertmaster of the Seattle Symphony. Her solos in Rimsky-Korsakov's "Scheherazade" were reported to have absolutely shimmered, piercing every single soul in the Gates Concert Hall that night. Jonah would have been there to hear, had the concert not taken place the night before his second flight on the spaceplane, the flight that would take him to Asimov Station and his boarding date on the Sagan Starship. Those last days flashed by, and they ended with Jonah climbing into his hibernation chamber. As his consciousness slipped away, Jonah heard in his inner ear the strains of Bach's Partita in E.

***


Awakening.

He had wondered, on Earth, what awakening on a new world would feel like.

And now...he still didn't know. He couldn't compare it to anything. He heard voices around him, for what felt like an eternity. He felt heat where there had been none before. He felt warm air on his face, and cold air on his feet. He felt his fingers tingling with that feeling they get when you've restored circulation after a while, but the tingling seemed to last for days, weeks, months. He felt that to open his eyes would be to invite death, so he kept them closed.

These sensations were normal.

Jonah finally opened his eyes on a new world, a new sun, a new life, and a new home. New possibilities, for new music.

***


The trees of New Ithaca, Jonah discovered, offered surprisingly hard wood. "Wood", of course, was something of a misnomer, since it was a different kind of entity altogether, but people were people and they used the most convenient words to describe things, and in this case, the stuff of the "trees" was best thought of as "wood". There were probably hundreds of kinds of the stuff on the planet, just as on Earth, but in the vicinity of the first colony city – one of three now, this one called Athens and the others Sparta and Syracuse – there were mostly hardwoods. This had been a good thing for those first colonists of seventy years before, when they had needed to build their shelters from the indigenous materials, and now it was a good thing for Jonah, who was using the wood in his spare time to carve the first backplates for his violins.

Things were very different for Jonah here on New Ithaca, in ways that went beyond the obvious. It wasn't just new stars and two moons in his sky; it wasn't a world that was eerily quiet and a daytime sky free of aircraft contrails. The daily rhythm of his life, now that he was awake again, was now completely different. Here he could not support himself on violin making; the population of New Ithaca still stood at less than two thousand humans, and thus there was no place for someone whose only vocation was an obscure area of craftsmanship. Jonah found himself using his woodcarving skills all over the city, and during harvest time, he worked the fields as did everyone else. He even took a shift or two monitoring the colonies' radio telescopes, but this quickly proved beyond his particular area of ability and he was relieved of any further such duties within hours of spilling his tea across the instrument panel.

In his spare time, then, he made his violins. It was an odd hobby to the other colonists, not one of whom had ever heard of Earth's greatest luthier, but many of their own hobbies were odd in his eyes as well, and it turned out that no one much bothered to judge him on that basis. No one thought anything odd of the woman who used the new wind patterns to fly kites she'd made from fibers native to this world; no one questioned the wisdom of the man who crafted his own kayak out of native wood and tested it out on the native rivers here. And no one questioned the old violin maker who had come from Dallas to Athens, New Ithaca.

The first three violins were disastrous. The wood was too hard, resulting in instruments whose tone was terribly harsh, sounding almost as though they had been outfitted with electronic amplification. He moved from tree species to tree species, testing as he went; in this way he became familiar with all of the wood of the region around Athens, and to his dismay he discovered that it was all too hard for his needs. He would have to find another place – one of the other colony cities. They both lay south of Athens; perhaps they would have softer wood in their local forests.

The problem that now arose was that transit between colony cities was not frequent. Each colony was intended to become self-sufficient before natural trade could be allowed to begin. Jonah had to wait for a natural excuse for him to make the next journey, and that excuse came over a year later (with New Ithaca years taking roughly 1.3 times an Earth year). It was the same reason for inter-colony travel as always: illness and injury. A type of fever had broken out in Sparta, and though they had identified the drugs that would work against it, they didn't have enough to treat everyone there. An expedition was arranged, and Jonah volunteered to go along.

The colony city of Sparta was larger now than Athens, even though it had been the second colony city established. Jonah helped distribute the medicines, and then he wasted no time in examining the wood of the surrounding region. He found that the woods here were softwoods after all – but they were too soft. If he made violins from these trees, the sound would be muddy, indistinct, ill-defined.

It was heartbreaking. Somewhere on this world, perhaps, there was wood that would be perfect for violin-making. But it was still a large world, as large as Earth, and Jonah was an old man. He went to sleep that night feeling total, utter failure. He had come across four light-years, he had left his world behind, he had imposed upon the wealth of a benefactor he never should have had, and now, it was all for naught.

He woke back up about forty minutes later, when the obvious solution finally snapped into his brain. He had already forsaken replicating Stradivari's methods; all that mattered to him was matching his results.

Perhaps, then, a violin made not of one type of wood, but of two.

Jonah didn't see the answer in a dream, exactly, but in one of those moments of inspiration that come in the dark, when sleep is on the verge of taking us under. He saw himself weaving strips of wood together, perhaps into a lattice form; or perhaps putting thin strips beside each other, one by one; or perhaps tempering the harshness of a backplate of hardwood with sideribs of soft. He didn't know which would work, but he knew that he had a way to go. Had Stradivari used more than one kind of wood in his violins? It didn't matter, Jonah realized. It was time for him to set Stradivari aside, and to fully embrace Wilhelm.

He obtained a large section of a tree from the construction crew, in exchange for woodworking services; this he used in conjunction with the hardwood he already had. Then he began carving the block. First he shaped the backplate, in accordance with the template he had brought with him all the way from Earth, the template that had yielded his best instruments. He aimed for an instrument width roughly halfway between that of his thinnest and thickest violins. He worked the woods together slowly into shape, using every ounce of his skill to mix wood as a potter might mix clay. The construction of this violin came easy to him, so easy that people who entered his workshop while he was working often remarked later that their colony woodcarver had been in some kind of trance. The fingerboard, the scroll, even the purfling – all of it came so easy to him now. But it was the fact of two kinds of wood at work that made it difficult now. He was in, so far as he knew, totally uncharted territory.

And he didn't care. For ten New Ithaca years, Jonah worked alongside the colonists by day and in his workshop by night, experimenting with different blends of wood. He also experimented with varnishes. He found one tree whose wood was virtually useless for violin-making, but whose sap was almost a perfect varnish as far as the acoustics went, even if the varnish was a vibrant green.

Finally it all came together. Finally all of his work, everything he knew, everything he had learned by study and by effort of his own fingers, met as one as he crafted an instrument that he knew, even as he began it, would be the finest he could ever make. This one would be the final summation of everything he had ever done. It was a day he'd never dared to hope would one day come, when he finally put the strings on this, his last violin.

It was on that day that the transmission from Mars came.

Very few transmissions came from the Martian colony – in fact, none had come directly from Mars in over twenty years, before Jonah had even arrived. Almost all of the transmissions from the Solar System had originated from Earth, the homeworld, the place where humanity had begun.

The message was cataclysmic. Months before, a very large meteor had been detected on a collision course with Earth. Every attempt at pushing it onto a different trajectory had failed, and the meteor had impacted the planet with force that was off any type of scale conceivable to the mind of a human.

Earth was gone. Everything gone. Dallas, gone. Inner Beijing, gone. Venice, gone. London, gone.

The last Stradivarius, gone.

Now, Jonah was all that was last of all violin makers.

In the time that he had been on New Ithaca, Jonah Wilhelm had become famous as the man who had traveled across four light-years to find wood to make a better violin. His willingness to leave behind his homeworld in pursuit of his craft had made him a legend, and his instruments quickly became revered on this, humanity's first world beyond the star of its birth.

The governing council of New Ithaca declared a day of mourning: a new world mourning the old. Humanity's birthworld was gone, but the colonies of Mars and New Ithaca remained. In time there would be more.

Jonah learned of Earth's fate while he was eating his supper of rice and wine. From his tiny chamber he could already hear the voices in the town square, raised in song, hymns of the old faiths offered in memory of the world now four years dead. He knew he had to join them, although he barely knew what to feel. He had left Earth behind. This was his world now.

He went down, in the end, to the town square to join his fellow citizens in mourning, and he took with him the new violin. He had not yet played it, but tonight would be the best time to do so, he realized. Jonah was an old man now, and he was thinking about deactivating his nanocybernetics and allowing nature – the nature of Alpha Centauri, not his own sun – to take its course. Whether or not this violin was the equal of any Strad was no longer important, but it was the only offering he could make to the planet of his birth, and in any event, he felt that he had to know.

Jonah chose to walk up to the top of the small hill that overlooked Sparta. The people followed, knowing that he was about to play his latest instrument for the first time. He had become something of a celebrity in his years here; moreso than on Earth, when he'd been known to only a tiny portion of musicians. When he reached the top of the hill, he softly tuned the violin, doing so as he always had, by ear alone.

In the valley below, the lights of Sparta glowed in the dry air, and in the sky above, the stars twinkled. Jonah had started learning the new constellations lately, the groupings chosen and named by the first generation of human children born on this world. He might have been able to pick out Sol in the night sky of New Ithaca, had he wished to – but now, it didn't matter. Jonah Wilhelm lifted his violin to his chin, lifted the bow, and for the first time in more than fifty Earth years – since he'd been on Earth at all – he played Bach's Partita in E for solo violin.

Thus sounded the greatest violin in the Universe, uniting again the principles of Stradivari with the music of Bach, both carried to the stars by Jonah Wilhelm. The Partita in E, played for the ending of a world, and the birth of the new.

--finis--

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Darker sides of "fandom"

The other night, on Monday Night Football, the Buffalo Bills very nearly beat the hated New England Patriots. They were leading, and were in very good shape with a little over two minutes left: New England had just scored to pull to being down 24-19, when they kicked off. Bills cornerback and kickoff returner Leodis McKelvin fielded the kick in the end zone, and then he decided to attempt a run back. He got out about twenty-five yards or so before the New England players arrived around him and began tackling him. Rather than just fall down, McKelvin attempted to push for more yardage, and so doing, ended up fumbling. New England recovered, scored, and won 25-24. Ouch.

So naturally, McKelvin ended up being "the goat". It's not dead certain that the Bills would have held on for the win had he gone down, but their chances would have been superb; all they would really have needed to do is pick up a single first down and kill the clock. Much of the postgame discussion focused on McKelvin: whether he should have attempted to run the kick back at all, the obviousness that he should never have striven for more yardage once the tacklers converged upon him; Dick Jauron's odd defense of McKelvin the next day on the basis that he's a really good kick returner and you never know when he's going to break one. (This on a kick where the Patriots might well have been kicking onside, forcing the Bills to deploy their "hands" team instead of their kickoff blockers.)

Most people are now of the "Sucks, but it's over and Tampa's in town on Sunday." However, a couple of teenagers decided last night to vandalize McKelvin's front lawn. So now the discussion is no longer even about the fumble but about this act of misdirected "fanhood". The topic of discussion on the sports-talk show I like to listen to on the way home from work was, What does this say about us? About Buffalo Bills fans? About Buffalo? About football fans in general?

I'm not sure it has to say anything about any of those things, right now. Police in Hamburg, NY -- the Buffalo suburb where McKelvin lives -- apparently, as of this writing, have two teenagers in custody who have confessed to the vandalism. And as misguided-fan incidents go, this is pretty weak tea, easily corrected with some lawn care products and tools. Of course, that's not the point: it's still a very ugly incident that puts on display yet again the fact that too many sports fans in this country take their teams and their allegiances way too seriously. In point of fact, it's not even this country: it's all over the world. As bad as our fans can get at times, nobody's ever heard of people getting trampled at a baseball riot. But that's probably small consolation to taxpayers and business owners each year in the cities whose teams win the World Series, or the NBA championship, or the Super Bowl.

I've never been one to engage in "Things were better back in the day" rhetoric. I usually find that, upon deeper inspection, things "back in the day" tended to suck a lot as well, and that people pining for things back then usually turn out to have simply not been aware of how things sucked "back in the day". But I do wonder if sports fandom is getting qualitatively worse with regard to things like this. On opening day of the 1987 season, Boston Red Sox fans gave Bill Buckner an ovation. I don't remember how too many goats were treated, save one: after Super Bowl XXV, in 1991, a giant rally was held for the Buffalo Bills in downtown Buffalo. At that rally, Scott Norwood, who had missed what would have been the game-winning kick at the end of the game, received a massive ovation. Back then, a guy whose missed kick cost his team the Super Bowl championship got an outpouring of love and support. Eighteen years later, a cornerback whose fumble cost his team a regular season game got his lawn vandalized.

Of course, the situations are different, and the emotions in sports are so often defined by the situations. McKelvin's fumble came in a regular season game against an opponent that is universally loathed in this town, for various reasons. (Mostly because they're loathsome!) It also comes after a recent history that has seen huge amounts of futility, of mediocrity, of disaster at critical times, of injury, of just plain loss. But that doesn't excuse anything, obviously; and neither does it lessen the point. Instead, it clarifies it: why are so many sports fans so angry these days? Win or lose?

A Random Wednesday Conversation Starter

Before leaving for your desert island, pick one: Abbey Road, or Sgt. Pepper's?

Monday, September 14, 2009

To the vomitorium!

One thought on last night's Bills game, in which they led 24-13 with five minutes left and lost 25-24: they have a very young team, especially on the offensive line, so this was the kind of game that might hurt to lose but make you feel that they might have a bright future -- if not for the fact that they also have a very mediocre coaching staff. So it ends up feeling like just another day at the office at Lose-a-lot Lane.

Patrick



Farewell.

Sentential Links #184

Linkage. Politics first:

:: But as someone who happened to be in New York City eight years ago today, the implicit premise of the 9-12 Project—that those who aren't on Beck's side must have somehow "forgotten" 9/11 and its aftermath—ticks me off royally and personally.

I was at home in Brooklyn, holding my six-week-old baby on the couch, when I saw the second plane crash into the World Trade Center on TV. I watched the smoking pit of the ruins from the roof of my apartment building as bits of memo paper and ash drifted on the winds to my neighborhood. I was there on 9/11, and 9/12, and 9/13. You'll excuse me if I don't feel warm nostalgia for the lingering smell of burnt airplane fuel, and metal, and bodies.


:: But are “frivolous lawsuits” the real cause of high health care costs? The short answer is no. (Well, color me shocked.)

:: We learned today that right-wing activists don't like government spending (except when Bush and Republican lawmakers spent freely), don't like the size of government (except when Bush and Republican lawmakers increased the size of government), don't like deficits and debt (except when Bush and Republican lawmakers added trillions to the nation's tab), and don't like czars (except when Bush used dozens of them to implement his agenda).

(And another by Mr. Benen:)

:: Second, the Republican Party still believes Bush's policies -- the ones that failed on a historic level and created messes we're still struggling to clean up -- were right. If given the opportunity, they'd like to implement them again. GOP lawmakers endorsed these failures as they occurred, and don't regret their positions in the slightest. They're proud to have supported misguided policies that didn't work, and insist that voters should reward them for failing -- and help them bring back the very policies that produced disastrous results.

Three from Matthew Yglesias:

:: Still it did strike me as noteworthy that your basic tea party crowd isn’t the sort of crowd in which a Confederate flag is unwelcome. I feel like if you’d tried to bring this to a health care rally, folks would have gotten upset. But the tea parties, like a lot of big time conservative events, are a very racism friendly environment.

:: Probably the weirdest thing about the Glenn Beck / Tea Party nexus to me is that it tends to rely so heavily on libertarian rhetoric and fear of incipient authoritarianism. These kind of sentiments would be a lot easier to take seriously if not for the fact that we didn’t see these people marching out in the streets when George W. Bush used the threat of terrorism to justify secret, illegal warrantless surveillance, detention without trial, torture, etc. Indeed, the very same people who spend Monday, Wednesday, and Friday complaining that Barack Obama’s “czars” are a threat to liberty not only weren’t worried about czars in the Bush years, they spend Tuesday and Thursday worrying that Obama’s not doing enough to ensure that intelligence operatives can break the law with impunity.

:: It still rankles—a lot—that Osama bin Laden is still out there. When the attacks happened, and in the days and weeks that followed, lots of notions flew through my mind, most of them wild and fanciful or flat-out insane. But it genuinely never occurred to me to that the main architect of the attacks would still be at large eight years later.

:: I think that seven years ago we all collectively went, to borrow one of my mother's more colorful expressions, out of our rabbit-assed minds.

Non-Politics:

:: Being a Beatles fan is a curse as much as a blessing.

:: Daniel Snyder Is a Dwarf Dung-beetle. (That's the post title, but it's pretty indicative. The way NFL teams extort their fans is nauseating.)

:: For several days after I walked with a swagger. Yes, I was still a virgin and no, that wasn’t about to change anytime soon – but I was different, changed. I had become a man. I had seen a French movie.

:: I’ll be honest: I don’t know what the future of NASA is right now. Worse? NASA doesn’t know either.

All for this week.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Sunday Burst of Weirdness

Oddities abound!

:: I have The Daughter to thank for this. I've no idea how she developed such a warped sense of humor.



:: I can't imagine what the thought process was behind such a thing, other than to see if it could be done, but someone wrote a novel in which a word, once used, is never repeated. (PDF document.)

:: Unfortunately placed advertisements. Heh. Several of these cracked me up.

That's all. Embrace the weirdness!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Monty Haul 9-09

This weekend saw my local library's quarterly Used Book Sale, and as always, I was there when the doors opened to rush in and grab my fair share of the booky goodness. While this iteration was spectacularly unsuccessful from the standpoint of bolstering my SF collection -- I didn't see a single SF volume at all amidst the offerings, whether it was something I wanted or not, and I can almost always count on at least seeing a few Star Wars or Star Trek novels floating about -- I did grab some nice items, as pictured below.

Library Book Sale 9-09: The Haul


Going from the top down: Tennyson is, as longtime readers will know, my favorite poet, and thus, when it comes to the library book sale, I have a weakness for grabbing volumes of his poetry. I was especially glad to see this, however, since it's been a very long time since I read Idylls of the King and was thrilled to see a copy here. Yes, I already own a copy, but that's not the point! (And anyway, my other copy is kind of neat in its own regard, printing the text on the right side of the open page only, with the left given to explanatory footnotes. Obviously it's a "teaching" edition.)

Next down we have a travel book, The Great Railway Bazaar by Paul Theroux. I've never read any Theroux, but I've heard lots of good things about him, and I have grown to love good travel narrative writing a lot over the last few years, so I was glad to pick this up.

Then, The Wisdom of Kahlil Gibran. I've read some Gibran of late, and I'm keenly interested in pursuing his work. I'm not sure what in this volume I already own -- probably most of it -- but that's not bothersome to me at all.

Below that is Captain Blood by Rafael Sabatini. I know that Sabatini was quite popular in his day, and, like most such authors, has fallen out of fashion nowadays, but I've always been interested to see what he's like, and of course, I love a good pirate tale, so we'll see. Who knows when I'll get to this one, of course, but there it is. The book sale is always a good source for copies of very old books, the bestsellers of yore; it's not uncommon for me to thumb through a very old book titled "Best Loved Poems" or something like that and realize that I don't recognize any of the names of the poets contained within. I always find myself hoping that these books find homes.

Next is something called The Parables of Peanuts. It looks like some kind of theology or moral philosophy book, using Peanuts as its inspiration. To be honest, I grabbed this on a whim.

On the bottom is Shakespeare's England, which I picked up to help in a future project of mine -- to learn more about the Bard and his world. (I'll have more to say about this project in time.)

The most interesting book I found today, though, was that thick one second from the bottom of the stack.

Library Book Sale 9-09: Byron


It is a collection of the works of George Gordon, Lord Byron, and it cost me all of one dollar. I adore very old books, and I gravitate toward them often at the library sales. Some, I admit, I purchase with the intent of listing them on eBay, but in most cases I've kept them for my own collection. Not only do old books on the shelves look cool, but there's a unique tactile sensation, I think, in actually reading a very old book.

This one is in relatively decent condition, with the most wear and tear being present on its spine:

Library Book Sale 9-09: Byron, spine


The binding is in decent shape, though, and the pages are all bright and have lost none of their contrast. But as I started thumbing through the book, I discovered that it's not just a literary time capsule of sorts, but also a very small window into a couple of lives. Here is what I found immediately upon opening the front cover:

Library Book Sale 9-09: Frontispiece


The book plate on the endpaper indicates the this volume belonged to a James Resetarits, who indicates in his tiny script on the flyleaf that he lived in Buffalo ("Bflo") in 1975. (I've never seen that name before, ever.)

Thumbing through the book, I discovered a common feature of very old books: multiple flyleafs. (The flyleaf is the blank page one finds immediately inside the front cover, opposite the endpaper. Older books have more than one flyleaf.) On the final flyleaf (five of them), I found this inscription:

Library Book Sale 9-09: Inscription


To Dr. James Keech,

In appreciation for
your inspiration and
confidence.

May we each find
our own perfect stream.

Regards

James & Karen Resetarits
1976


So it seems that Mr. Resetarits owned this book for at least a year before he inscribed it and gifted it to Dr. Keech, whomever that may have been. (More on that a little later on, though.)

Books with gift inscriptions show up frequently at library book sales. I don't know how actual book collectors feel about this, but it never bothers me -- I always enjoy the indication that at some point in a book's life, the book was considered enough to be judged worthy of being a gift for someone special to someone else. I see this a lot in the children's books I pick up for The Daughter, and I always think there's something a bit wistful about those -- not unlike the sad nostalgia of, say, the second Toy Story movie, where toys are tossed aside by kids when they outgrow them. The same may apply to books.

But with cases like this, another possibility exists: that what I'm finding at the library sale is the detritus of a life that has since ended. Was this a prized volume in Dr. Keech's home library until his passing? I don't know. (I don't even know if Dr. Keech did pass yet.)

Continuing, I found this wonderful frontispiece:

Library Book Sale 9-09: Byron portrait


Again, in books of this era, it's common to find a small piece of tissue paper bound into the book between the frontispiece and the title page, which is the case here. Turning that tissue paper past, covering the portrait of Lord Byron, I find the first of two title pages:

Library Book Sale 9-09: Byron title page, II


Of all the historical forms of illustration, I think the engraving is my favorite. I wish we'd see more of this these days.

And then, turning the page again, the second title page:

Library Book Sale 9-09: Bryon title page


The age of the book is now apparent, isn't it? It's been a very long time since the style was to include a period at the end of each phrase on a title page. Note the use of the "Olde English" font on the phrase "The Suppressed Poems", and note especially the date at the bottom of the page, indicating the book's year of printing: 1866.

This volume is 143 years old. And I got it for a dollar.

For amusement, here is a brief taste of the "Sketch of His Life", as written by a J. W. Lake:

It was reserved for the present age to produce one distinguished example of the Muse having descended upon a bard of a wounded spirit, and lent her lyre to tell afflictions of no ordinary description; afflictions originating probably in that singular combination of feeling with imagination which has been called the poetical temperament, and which has often saddened the days of those on whom it has conferred. If ever a man was entitled to lay claim to that character in all its strength and all its weakness, with its unbounded range of enjoyment, and its exquisite sensibility of pleasure and of pain, that man was Lord Byron. Nor does it require much time, or a deep acquaintance with human nature, to discover why these extraordinary powers should in so many cases have contributed more to the wretchedness than to the happiness of their possessor.


Phew! The "life sketch" goes on thus, in very tiny print, for another thirty-four pages. I imagine that many an owner of this particular volume, back in the 1800s, skipped right past Mr. Lake in favor of Mr. Byron.

The rest of the book is a fairly typical example of an exhaustive collection of an author's work from the nineteenth century: it is very densely printed, with occasional engravings of art scattered throughout on thick plate-paper. But the story of this book doesn't end there, for tucked into the back cover, I found this:

Library Book Sale 9-09: Enclosed in Byron II


This is the program for an "Honors Convocation" for Kappa Delta Pi, held in the Upton Hall Auditorium. (Upton Hall turns out to be part of the campus of Buffalo State College.) This convocation was held on April 30, 1976 (right about the time I was in the home stretch of Kindergarten). Tucked inside this program is a typewritten list of what I assume to be Kappa Delta Pi members who were in attendance at that convocation. Each student (listed on the left) is paired with a guest (listed on the right). At the bottom of the second page of this list (it's four pages, stapled together), I found this:

Library Book Sale 9-09: Enclosed in Byron


So, I can only surmise that Dr. Keech was the guest of Mr. Resetarits at this Honors Convocation, and that this book was presented to Dr. Keech on that occasion. There's nothing especially remarkable about this -- a gift from a student to a valued teacher, I suppose -- but the long winding road this book has taken impresses me greatly, as does the fact that owing to the presence of that program in the back cover, never removed even when the book was unshelved and boxed up for its trip to the library, I can trace one of those steps on that path.

I've written of this kind of thing before, and this fascination with finding things in old books has manifested itself in my fiction writing as well ("Elizabeth and Andrew"). Here's another fine example.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Something for Thursday

One of my favorite bands. Here's Blackmore's Night, with "Under a Violet Moon".

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Ten geek demerits for me....

A few days ago, Steven Den Beste posted a quickie item:

40 years ago, FRP was born. And because of that, a lot of babies weren't.


This puzzled me. See, in my job as a maintenance man, I have to work with FRP on occasion, occasionally mounting FRP panels to the backs of fixtures at The Store or even attaching FRP panels to walls. I thought this post over, unable to figure out why the advent of FRP paneling, especially in food-service environments, might lead to a reduction in certain birth rates.

And then I clicked through SDB's link, and realized that he wasn't referring to Fiber-reinforced Plastic. He was referring to Fantasy Role Playing. I think my geek cred may be slipping a bit.

Twenty-five cents (part 6)

Wow...I forgot about this series for four months. Whoops! Anyway, time to finish up the whole thing with the last batch of quarters.

Idaho





I think I have to be nice here, since my in-laws all live in Idaho, but I don't care for this quarter. It's design-by-committee again: the head of an eagle, a state outline, and the motto. Bonus points for the Latin, though.

Idaho's quarter: $0.12

Nevada





Here's another quarter where multiple design elements manage to work together. I'd have made the main image clearer, though, by ditching the flowers vining up the sides; the running horses in front of the mountains are fine by themselves.

Nevada's quarter: $0.19

Washington





This one's nice, combining a couple of design elements that are themed together. A salmon leaping from the water on its way to spawn, and one of the peaks of Washington's coastal mountains. I'm not sure if that's supposed to be a specific mountain – Rainier, maybe? This quarter is nicely done.

Washington's quarter: $0.20

Oregon





Well...I don't know. The rendition of Crater Lake is very nice, but it seems to me that the obvious thing for Oregon would have been to depict Lewis and Clark reaching the Pacific at long last, making complete America's exploration of the continent. I have to rate this quarter, nice as it is, as a giant missed opportunity.

Oregon's quarter: $0.17

California





I like the idea here of depicting John Muir standing over Yosemite Valley; I just don't like the picture all that much. Maybe it's the giant bird flying over everything, but the sense of scale just seems way off to me on this picture, and scale can be done well even on a coin this size (see Nevada above). California has a near miss here.

California's quarter: $0.16

Alaska





According to the Mint's website, the final design for Alaska's quarter was selected by Governor Sarah Palin, so, if that's the case, maybe the job for her would be to be whoever it is who designs our currency. Hey, I may have my extremely negative opinion of Palin, but credit where due: this is a terrific quarter. What better depiction of Alaska than the rugged brute strength of a grizzly bear?

Alaska's quarter: $0.23

And finally:

Hawaii





Ooooh, they came close here, too. I love that they use the native Hawaiian tongue alongside the image of King Kamehameha; I just think the whole coin is thrown off balance by all the blank space needed to show the Islands themselves. They were on to something here, but they didn't quite get there.

Hawaii's quarter: $0.18

Wrapping up, I've greatly enjoyed the unfolding of the Statehood Quarter program over the last ten years. (Geez, has it been that long? yes, it has....) Seeing each new quarter, wondering why each design was chosen, and sifting through every handful of loose change given me have been fun pleasures. So, from this citizen, a big thanks to the US Mint for the Statehood Quarters!

A Random Wednesday Conversation Starter

White meat or dark?

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Jacks and sockets and lugnuts, oh my!

There's nothing like getting a phone call from The Wife at 11:30 pm, during which she informs me that she's stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire, sustained after driving over a piece of metal of some sort. Of course I had to drive out to her assistance, although I could have done without the particular location at which she finally had to pull over. She was on the side of Interstate 90 in Buffalo -- called locally "the Mainline 90", which indicates its general levels of traffic -- and of course, it was the front driver's side tire, which meant that I'd be just a few feet away from the passing traffic as I made my attempt to change the tire.

Sadly, my attempt was unsuccessful, owing to the fact that her vehicle -- a Dodge Caravan -- is nine years old, and thus the spare tire, mounted underneath the damned thing, was so rusted and corroded that it couldn't be removed. Which led to a tow truck. This annoyed me, because I was able to get the wheel off the van with no problem. I am very glad that I decided, some months ago, to buy a quality jack; this I purchased when I decided to start doing my own oil changes. I've never much liked the jacks that come with vehicles -- they always look slightly rickety to me. Not quite trustworthy. A little shifty, even. Better that I was able to use my new jack, which is rated for two tons and comes with jack stands and everything.

Of course, none of that mattered because of that damned spare. Now, twenty-three hours later as I write this, the van's fine and it has a new tire in the place of the damaged one. We plan to get a full-size spare (those "donut" tires are stupid) and just keep it in the back of the van, because why chance things? But, after waiting for tow trucks and waiting for them to winch the van onto the flatbed (making me wonder what ever happened to the two trucks that would just lift up your vehicle's front end and pull it on its back wheels), and getting the van to the tire place for us to call this morning, and then finally getting home, it was 1:30 in the morning. I staggered through today on about four hours of sleep, so naturally I'm still up and blogging.

No real point here, except that I'm a bit irritated that I wasn't able to get the tire-change job done. I hate when I can't get a job done!!!

Instead of running onto the field, they should all pile out of a clown car.

It's just about time for the NFL to kick off its 2009 season, so it's time for me to do a little football blogging. My plan this year is to put up this "predictions" post, and then I'll weigh in here and there during the regular season with various thoughts and such. I won't be doing weekly examinations of each game the Buffalo Bills play, because while I still enjoy the game, I'm just not nearly as enthusiastic about football as I once was. In fact, last season I actually stopped watching the Bills for the last three weeks of the year and only learned of the disastrous things they did in those games through print media and web video and stuff like that. If this season goes the way I think it very well could, I'll end up doing the same thing again. You reach a point where spending three hours every Sunday watching something you don't really enjoy watching starts to seem, on balance, a little stupid.

But anyway: what's the state of the NFL and what's the state of the Buffalo Bills?

Well, the Bills are a mess. Pure and simple. This season has the potential to be one of the biggest train wrecks in franchise history. They have a completely new offensive line, which (as of this writing) will be starting two rookies. They tried rolling out a new offensive scheme in the preseason, which performed so poorly in five preseason games that they fired their offensive coordinator just two days ago. Their quarterback is a once-promising young talent, a smart player with all the physical tools, who has been regressing since his debut two seasons ago. They are led by the same coaching staff that has piloted the team to a 7-9 finish three years in a row. They are managed by the same front office that has been stocking the team with lackluster talent for nearly a decade now. They are owned by the same pigheaded owner who seems to loathe being in the same room as someone strong-willed and intelligent, which is why his best general managers all get fired eventually.

I've come to see the worst day in Buffalo Bills history as the firing of Bill Polian, the guy who built the teams that went to the Super Bowl four years in a row. Polian went from the Bills to the Indianapolis Colts, a long-moribund franchise at the time. All Polian's done there is turn the Colts into a perennial powerhouse.

The list of things wrong with the Buffalo Bills is pretty long, but for me, that's where they start: in the front office. This team just does not have a good football operation in place. Head Coach Dick Jauron is generally the public face of the team's recent ineptitude, so his is the name that is vilified the most every time this team goes out and stumbles all over the place, but to me, it's terribly galling to see that despite picking in the upper half of the draft every year for a decade, the Bills have still failed to find top-flight talent in most cases. Three years ago, people were saying that the Bills were two or three drafts away from being good. Now, after those two or three drafts, guess what? They're still two or three drafts away from being good.

Why the hell is this?

Well, it's a double-headed monster of a problem. The Bills don't scout talent terribly well, and they don't make picks intelligently, either. One prime example is their recent obsession with drafting numerous defensive backs each and every year. The thought is, apparently, that in a league where there are so many good receivers, "you can't have too many defensive backs". Well, along the lines of that old canard stating that "Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting different results", the Bills get ripped apart by teams with good passing games each and every year, no matter how many talented DB's they have. Maybe they should try something else – like, say, addressing the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball.

They've made some half-hearted efforts at this over the years, but never enough. This year they finally realized that the offensive linemen at whom they threw large amounts of money three years ago weren't getting the job done, so they drafted two guards high in the draft (one in each of the first two rounds). While I was happy they finally made linemen a priority (the good teams are always drafting linemen and developing them), they should have been doing this three years ago, when they were actually rebuilding. Instead, they decided to do things like trade up to get John McCargo, a defensive lineman whose play on the field has been spotty enough that the Bills actually tried to trade him away last year. Or they picked safety Donte Whitner with the eighth overall pick, a choice everyone at the time thought to be a stretch – nobody had Whitner going before the middle-first round at the earliest, and nobody had McCargo going in the first round at all, so the Bills could have traded down in the first round and possibly added another second round pick, and still picked Whitner and McCargo if those were the guys they really wanted.

(Of course, they shouldn't have taken Whitner at all – they should have taken DT Haloti Ngata, who has become a rock in the middle of the line for the Baltimore Ravens. But at the time, the Bills were fascinated by the notion of a defensive line consisting of small but fast guys, where Ngata is a giant behemoth. That's why they passed on him and went with Whitner instead. But after two seasons of seeing their small-and-fast defensive line ripped apart by good running teams, the Bills had to trade last year for Marcus Stroud, a big guy for the middle of their line. Oops. And even if safety had been a logical place to go in that draft, Whitner has never in my mind justified his being taken that high. To my way of thinking, if you're taking a safety with the eighth overall pick, you'd better be getting Bob Sanders, or Ed Reed, or Troy Polamalu. Whitner isn't close to being mentioned in the same breath as those guys.)

Of course, the Bills didn't want to come out and admit three years ago that they needed to do some serious rebuilding by starting with the basic building blocks. There's another constant problem here: the belief, always prevalent in the team brass, that they're just a few good players away from contending.

The Bills' approach to rebuilding has never been to once-and-for-all address the team's fundamental needs and then build from there; instead, each season they look at one of two things and then draft according to those. They either (a) replace the biggest free agent who just left, or (b) address whatever the most glaring problem from the most recent 7-9 season might have been. That's why they do things like draft Marshawn Lynch in the first round right after dumping Willis McGahee, or pick Leodis McKelvin right after Nate Clements is sent packing. And this approach goes back to the Tom Donahoe era, when the team's management decided that they were sufficiently talented to use their first-round pick in 2003 as a "luxury" pick, taking a running back (McGahee) who was coming off a wicked injury and who thus would have to spend a year not playing. But that was the way Donahoe approached things: get the replacement for the next big free agent before they leave. (The McGahee pick made keeping Travis Henry irrelevant; a year later, the Lee Evans pick made Eric Moulds eventually "expendable". Smart? Well...not really. The Bills were never talented enough to be able to take such a luxurious approach to the draft.)

On the other hand, the Bills have tended to use the draft as their only real way of addressing major team problems. Last year's team had a horrible pass rush, so this year, they drafted Aaron Maybin, a collegiate pass-rush specialist. As a rookie, Maybin is unlikely to turn in amazing pass-rush numbers, but there it is. Last year's glaring problem was the lack of height in the receiving corps, so they drafted James Hardy and pronounced the receiving corps "rebuilt". Never mind that receivers notoriously take two to three years to develop into quality players, and that receivers who excel as rookies are rare.

And then, in a category by itself, we have the teams' long-to-the-point-of-Quixotic quest for Jim Kelly's successor as the next great Bills quarterback. Trent Edwards may be the most promising prospect the team has had since Kelly retired, but the Bills have misfired a whole bunch of times on finding the next QB, using three first-round draft picks on quarterbacks over the last ten years. They traded a first-rounder to Jacksonville to get Rob Johnson in 1998 (thus getting themselves out of a draft round that saw guys like Vonnie Holiday, Alan Faneca, Randy Moss, and Fred Taylor taken). They sent New England their 2003 first-rounder to get Drew Bledsoe (they got a pick back with another trade later on, getting Willis McGahee from a round that saw Troy Polamalu join the Steelers). They sent their 2005 first-rounder to Dallas so they could get JP Losman in 2004 (thus sparing themselves the opportunity of taking DeMarcus Ware, Shawne Merriman, or Aaron Rogers). And if you want to, you can even go farther back to 1995, when they used a second-rounder on Todd Collins. (But then, Collins is still in the league.)

What does all this have to do with 2009? Simply, the Bills have been misfiring and/or grabbing at straws for ten years now, when it comes to picking talent. Now, they're not the Lions or the Rams of recent years, picking outright bad players, but they've either missed entirely or they've picked small guys who play hard but simply aren't playmakers in the NFL. The roster simply does not have the talent to compete with the best teams in the AFC. I think that's the ultimately frustrating thing about watching the Buffalo Bills this decade: the continual sense that they're not that far off. Not really. They have decent players who would be even better if they could just find some real stud playmakers. But they never do.

In this day and age in the NFL, a bad team can become a good team very quickly. The Miami Dolphins went from 1-15 in 2007 to 11-5 in 2008. The Baltimore Ravens seem to alternate good years with bad ones – 13-3 in 2006, 5-11 in 2007, 11-5 in 2008. The Packers were in the NFC title game two years ago, and after a rough year last year look ready to compete again. The Eagles had some rough years, but last year they rebounded to get to the NFC title game and this year they look really good. In a blog post today, Buffalo News columnist Jerry Sullivan provides this stat:

Since the Bills last appeared in the NFL playoffs, there have been 57 instances of teams making the postseason after missing the previous season. That means more than half of the 108 playoff spots in a nine-year stretch were occupied by teams that had missed the season before.

Last year, seven of the 12 playoff teams were differerent from the year before. That included the Dolphins, who went from one win to 11; Atlanta, which improved by seven games; and Baltimore, which went up by six. So clearly, there's a lot of playoff turnover from year to year, and teams can bounce back from poor seasons in a hurry. In light of the evidence, it's even more amazing that the Bills haven't made it nine years in a row.


And you don't even have to stop at mere playoff appearances. On a hunch, I looked through the last ten Super Bowls, and I discovered something interesting. Here are the matchups of each of those games, winners listed first:

1999: Rams*, Titans*
2000: Ravens*, Giants*
2001: Patriots*, Rams
2002: Buccaneers, Raiders
2003: Patriots, Panthers*
2004: Patriots, Eagles
2005: Steelers*, Seahawks
2006: Colts, Bears*
2007: Giants, Patriots
2008: Steelers*, Cardinals*


What do the asterisks mean? They indicate the teams participating in each Super Bowl that had posted a record of 8-8 or worse just two years before that Super Bowl appearance. It just doesn't have to be this way, and yet in Buffalo, it is. Ugh!

For me, the most illustrative franchise of this simple fact -- it doesn't have to be this way -- during the Bills' current era of futility has been the New York Giants. Let's compare how it's gone for these two teams since 2000, when the Bills started to sink after being good or great all through the 1990s.

2000

Bills: 8-8, fourth place.
Giants: 12-4, first place, NFC Champions.

2001

Bills: 3-13, fifth place.
Giants: 7-9, third place.

2002 (first season with four-team divisions in the NFL)

Bills: 8-8, fourth place.
Giants: 10-6, second place.

2003

Bills: 5-11, fourth place.
Giants: 4-12, fourth place.

2004

Bills: 9-7, third place.
Giants: 6-10, third place.

2005

Bills: 5-11, third place.
Giants: 11-5, first place.

2006

Bills: 7-9, third place.
Giants: 8-8, third place.

2007

Bills: 7-9, second place
Giants: 10-6, second place, playoff berth, Super Bowl champions

2008

Bills: 7-9, last place
Giants: 12-4, first place


So, in the span of the last nine seasons, the Giants started off better than the Bills, then they got worse than the Bills, and then they quickly rebuilt to get better than the Bills again – so much better that they got a Super Bowl trophy in the process.

My ultimate point is this: in today's NFL, being bad for more than, say, two or three years is a sign of either awful luck or total mismanagement. And if your run of badness runs to more than five years, then I think luck can be ruled out as well. Nine years of being mediocre at best with occasional drops into outright badness? That is pure mismanagement.

Obviously, then, I don't hold out much hope for 2009. Trent Edwards looked smart and confident when he first arrived on the scene, but just two years later he is looking tentative, unconfident, and downright fearful. The Bills constantly say things like "We have to take what the defense gives us", which is a totally frustrating thing to hear from offensive players – you'd never hear anybody from the Patriots' offense saying anything like that – and insist that they're confident, which is surely why their leading receiver is almost always the running back catching the quick dump-off pass. The offense will likely be awful, which will lead to lots of playing time for a defense with a bad pass-rush (Maybin's potential notwithstanding) and a very thin linebacking corps. There is serious potential for this year's Bills squad to be awful.

Ahhh...but what about Terrell Owens? Well, what about him? Full disclosure: I've always liked T.O., and I'm glad he's here. But he's not a miracle worker. He can't make his quarterback confident. He can't make the young offensive line better. And he can't play defense. This is not a team that was sufficiently talented at the outset to be made better by T.O.'s arrival. And for all the negative press given to T.O.'s locker room antics over the years, I frankly look forward to the injection of some kind of passion into the Bills' locker room. For years the Bills have come out after bad losses acting like the guy at the office who just had a day where the printer ran out of toner every time he tried to print. To be quite honest, I will find it refreshing if somebody in the Bills' locker room explodes if they're sitting at 2-6 halfway through the season.

All right, so it's time for some actual predictions. For the record, I am predicting that the Bills will finish 6-10 and in last place in the AFC East. If this happens, look for a complete overhaul of the organization next offseason. My nightmare scenario, though, is that they are able to put together a sufficiently positive season to convince owner Ralph Wilson that they need "continuity" and thus keep this front office and coaching staff around another year. A 9-7 finish would probably do it; or maybe an 8-8 year if they have lots of injuries. Hell, I can even see a fourth consecutive 7-9 finish resulting in Jauron-and-friends sticking around. How? Well, if the Bills start out bad – say, 0-4 or 1-5 – and then win enough over the rest of the year to "claw their way back" to 7-9? Or maybe if they have a stronger December than usual? Especially if the young O-line plays better late in the year? I can totally envision a number of scenarios under which the current management team and coach staff is retained, and many of those scenarios do, in fact, involve the team being mediocre and out of the playoffs yet again. Such is life. The team needs new management and new coaching, and the only way I see those things coming to pass is if the team is unquestionably bad this year. Ugh, indeed.

And when that happens, what then? It's not like we'll ever see Ralph Wilson open up his wallet and bring in, say, Bill Cowher or Marty Schottenheimer. Yes, I've joined the "The Bills are doomed" club. Sue me.

So, onto the rest of the league. Here's how I see the divisions turning out this year (with the proviso that in the past, I have never been more than fifty-percent right about these):

AFC

East: New England
North: Pittsburgh
South: Indianapolis
West: San Diego
Wildcards: Baltimore, Houston

NFC

East: Philadelphia
North: Green Bay
South: New Orleans
West: Arizona
Wildcards: NYGiants, Dallas


I'm almost certainly wrong here, of course. Every year somebody seemingly comes out of nowhere to win a division, which will probably happen again. But on paper, that's how I see the most likely result. And the Super Bowl?

Super Bowl XLIV:

Pittsburgh over Philadelphia


The Steelers' defense is still awesome, while their youngish offense is still improving; Ben Roethlisberger is just entering his prime, when he already has two Super Bowl wins under his belt. The AFC is always tough, but I think the Steelers' upside is better than most of the other AFC contenders. Tom Brady's health is going to be a concern in New England, I think; Indy's got a new coach and I think Peyton Manning's physical decline is about to begin. As for the Chargers, yeah, they have a great roster, but until Norv Turner is actually holding up the Lombardi Trophy as confetti swirls about his head, I won't believe he's a good playoff coach.

In the NFC, the Eagles look most balanced to me. I think Green Bay is up and coming, and the Saints can outscore most teams. I don't think Arizona is primed to repeat as NFC champs, but their division is pretty bad, so there they are.

Some final bullet points on my thoughts on the 2009 NFL season:

:: The Vikings will ultimately regret the Brett Favre maneuver, and it could very well be detrimental to the club for years to come.

:: The Browns will ultimately regret the hiring of Eric Mangini, who looks worse as a coach every year.

:: How many times do New England assistant coaches have to stumble badly as head coaches before everyone realizes that maybe they shouldn't hire New England assistant coaches to be their head coaches?

:: My nomination for NFL Moron of the Decade is Plaxico Burress.

:: It is my hope that every single NFL player devotes his efforts this year to honoring the single greatest exemplar of courage in the history of professional sport, Tedy Bruschi.

That's it. Let's kick it off!

Monday, September 07, 2009

Thrusters and Blasters and Spaceships, oh my!

Notes on a couple of space opera reads I've done lately:

:: I greatly enjoyed Andre Norton's Moon of Three Rings a few months back, so more recently I read another by her, The Zero Stone. Where Moon of Three Rings was more planetary romance than space opera, The Zero Stone actually is full-on space opera.

Murdoc Jern is a jeweler by trade, who has learned the ropes of the business from his father and is now traveling the galaxy with a business associate, trading in rare gems from many different worlds, when his associate is killed and Jern has to make his escape by taking refuge aboard another ship. Jern also possesses a ring whose stone is deeply powerful and deeply mysterious -- the "Zero Stone" of the title -- and it soon becomes clear that everyone is basically after him for the stone.

Eventually his only trusted companion is a brilliant psychic cat named Eet. (Well, he's an alien who is very cat-like, not an actual cat.) With Eet at his side, Jern must evade numerous villains and adversaries in order to win his freedom. I don't want to say more than that, because the story is fairly rollicking and wide-ranging, despite its mere 221 pages in the old edition that I own. The story takes us to odd worlds and shows us interesting aliens, all the while telling a fairly gripping tale about greed and peril and freedom.

I find reading older science fiction novels refreshing, in a way. The authors of the 1950s and 1960s had to take a "get in, tell the tale, get out" approach to storytelling, packing their galaxy-spanning notions along with interesting characters and drama into much shorter books than are the norm today. I love a florid and long epic as much as the next person, but there's often something just invigoratingly pleasant about reading a book that has an epic story in less than half the length of an almost-standard novel today.

(I've now discovered that The Zero Stone has a sequel called Uncharted Stars, which I just happen to already own. Huzzah!)

:: More modern, and thus more epic and thus longer, is In Conquest Born by CS Friedman. This is a big story told on a very large canvas. Two races, the Braxana and the Azeans, have been at war for a very long time as their respective empires have spread across the stars. Our focus is on one warrior from each culture: Zatar from the Braxana, and Anzha from the Azeans, who find themselves endlessly opposing each other, bringing the endless war to a deeper and more personal level. This book is as much character study as it is story, alternating between Zatar and Anzha as their respective lives become more and more intertwined as the book progresses.

While I liked In Conquest Born a great deal, I must confess that I wanted to like it more than I did. The characters are well-drawn and well-developed; they are complex, with motivations that aren't always easy to understand. The main problem I had with the book was that it often felt somewhat disjointed. There are times when the book doesn't feel so much like a novel as a collection of inter-related short stories and novellas about the same characters. Also, there are quite a few plot threads that never seem to go anywhere or get visited again. Those aren't deal-breaking quibbles, though; I greatly enjoyed In Conquest Born and recommend it.

This is the title of this post.

You know how lots of times, in movies and teevee shows, someone will read a letter? And we might get a very brief glimpse of the letter itself, but not even close to being enough to actually read the physical contents of the letter (which is a prop)? Well, enter the DVD freeze frame, from an episode of Leave It To Beaver. Hilarious!

Sentential Links #183

The Labor Day edition. Say, anybody ever wonder why we don't have "Management Day"?

:: The kids with those books in their hands may look like they're reading but what's actually going on in their heads is that they're watching television or going to the movies. There are plenty of books that aren't meant to be read only skimmed in a way that allows readers to remind themselves of things they've seen on a screen of one size or another. The trick of these books isn't to stimulate imaginations, it's too trigger memories of the most familiar cinematic cliches. A lot of books supposedly aimed at adults are like this. Most mysteries and thrillers, for instance, even ones by the supposedly best writers. Michael Connelly writes excellent screenplays that he publishes in the form of novels. I think it would be better if the students were given a list to choose from, a junk-less list that was truly eclectic and took into account that most twelve and thirteen year olds are not like I was.

:: As a comic book, From Hell elevates the comic book medium. As a graphic novel, it diminishes the comic book medium, in the same way Margaret Atwood insisting A Handmaid’s Tale isn’t science fiction diminishes science fiction. Both situations encourage those who don’t know what a comic/sci-fi is to believe the comics/sci-fi they’re consuming is something else. They are given no incentive to seek out good comics or sci-fi, because they aren’t interested in comics and sci-fi. The fact that they just enjoyed those very things is immaterial to their future reading choices, because they don’t understand what they just read was the very thing they’re predisposed to believe they’ve no interest in reading.

:: So long as Disney keeps out of the creative content of Marvel Comics this should be nothing but good news, right?… right?

:: Again, ladies, take away the fact that he's a vampire. Now here's what you have in this entire conversation (paraphrasing): "I'm fascinated by you because you're so much different than everyone else. I worry about you when I'm gone because you're so clumsy and stupid that you can't take care of yourself. I need to watch you like you're a toddler because you can barely stand on your own, so I follow you around all the time. I'm a dangerous creature who you should be very, very frightened of, so I'm going to hang around with you as much as I can and force you to let me treat you like this is the Victorian Era. I could kill you, and in fact I really want to kill you, so much so that it makes me uncomfortable to be around you, but I also kind of like you and it amuses me to watch you pretend to be on my intellectual level. Here, put on my jacket." (SamuraiFrog continues to do yeoman duty in establishing why Twilight is so staggeringly awful.)

:: Did you have a good Mootday? We sure did. The traditional Mootday Breakfast of cold cereal and milk was enlivened this year with the addition of dried raspberries. And there was much rejoicing.

:: There’s been a lot of talk about Archie’s proposal to Veronica, and most people tend to fall on the pro-Betty side of the debate. And while we all know that pretty much everyone in Riverdale sucks, I think we should consider what it’s like to hang out with Veronica.

All for now. Tune in next week for more.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

A Query for Tech-heads

(I'm going to be keeping this post at the top of the page through the rest of Sunday. Newer content will appear beneath it, later on.)

I posed this question on Facebook, and I thought I'd throw it up over here as well, since not everyone who reads me here is over there.

Basically, my laptop -- nearly two years old -- has worn out its battery. (No, not its welcome! Just its battery.) The battery still charges, but its full charge now lasts less than an hour, which means that it's time for me to investigate a new battery. All well and good.

Now, this machine is a Dell Inspiron, and the Battery Life meter makes the bold claim that I should only use Dell batteries and nothing else. And of course, Dell batteries are only available through Dell. But I've found some third-party batteries available out there, for quite a bit less money than the Dell ones, so I'm wondering: are there any actual consequences to using a third-party battery, or is it OK to do so? Such as, are Dell machines specifically set up to only charge Dell batteries, so if I get a different brand, is there a possibility that the thing doesn't charge?

Also, a respondent over there -- Sean, actually -- tells me that he believes usage of a battery while a laptop is plugged into the AC outlet tends to shorten a battery's lifespan, and my best bet is to get the new battery and then only use it for when I'm actually in need of battery power, and use the old one when I'm plugged into the wall. (In truth, I'm plugged in more than ninety percent of the time, anyway, when I use the laptop.) Is this the case? I figure if I get a new battery and get about three years out of it, by that time I'll be in the market for a new laptop anyway. (This machine is working just fine, with just a couple of hiccups that are so minor I barely notice them anymore.)

Sunday Burst of Weirdness

Oddities abound!

:: I think we can officially call the "Coming Up With New Stuff to Deep Fry" craze over, with the advent of deep-fried butter. What else is there besides deep-frying stuff that will literally kill you? Bring on the deep-fried arsenic!

:: If you've ever looked around Blogistan and thought to yourself, "Hmmmm, there needs to be a blog that does nothing but contrast the way foods look as prepared versus the way they look in the picture on the packaging", well, look no further! It's Food In Real Life. This is nothing new, obviously; I remember my intense feelings of disappointment the first time I got a Big Mac at McDonalds and noted that the burger I got wasn't the four-inch-tall behemoth pictured in the commercials.

:: Note to self: avoid Jericho, Arkansas. Hoo boy, what a mess they've got brewin' down there!

:: Want to see what a molecule looks like?

More next week!

No, I don't kill my pets.

For no real reason, here's one of my favorite scenes ever from The West Wing. This is when President Bartlet decided to hire the whip-smart Republican woman who came out of nowhere to make Sam look like an idiot on national teevee:



I loved this scene, and it points out one of the show's real flaws. Aaron Sorkin would create some wonderful characters and then underutilize them awfully. Ainsley Hayes was a terrific character who only appeared a handful of times after her introduction to the show. That was a shame -- as was the fact that the show always had her in scenes with Sam afterwards, when in fact her best chemistry was with Leo. Oh well. I still love this scene -- the repartee between Ainsley and Leo is just fantastic.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

"Under Heaven" (again)

I somehow missed this at BrightWeavings.com, but here's the text of the Penguin Group regarding Guy Gavriel Kay's upcoming novel Under Heaven:

The world could bring you poison in a jeweled cup, or surprising gifts. Sometimes you didn't know which of them it was...

Penguin Group (Canada) is pleased to announce the new novel from World Fantasy Award Winner and international bestseller Guy Gavriel Kay

UNDER HEAVEN will be published in April 2010, and takes place in a world inspired by the glory and power of Tang Dynasty China in the 8th century, a world in which history and the fantastic meld into something both memorable and emotionally compelling.

In the novel, Shen Tai is the son of a general who led the forces of imperial Kitai in the empire's last great war against its western enemies, twenty years before. Forty thousand men, on both sides, were slain by a remote mountain lake. General Shen Gao himself has died recently, having spoken to his son in later years about his sadness in the matter of this terrible battle.

To honour his father's memory, Tai spends two years in official mourning alone at the battle site by the blue waters of Kuala Nor. Each day he digs graves in hard ground to bury the bones of the dead. At night he can hear the ghosts moan and stir, terrifying voices of anger and lament. Sometimes he realizes that a given voice has ceased its crying, and he knows that is one he has laid to rest.

The dead by the lake are equally Kitan and their Taguran foes; there is no way to tell the bones apart, and he buries them all with honour.

It is during a routine supply visit led by a Taguran officer who has reluctantly come to befriend him that Tai learns that others, much more powerful, have taken note of his vigil. The White Jade Princess Cheng-wan, 17th daughter of the Emperor of Kitai, presents him with two hundred and fifty Sardian horses. They are being given in royal recognition of his courage and piety, and the honour he has done the dead.

You gave a man one of the famed Sardian horses to reward him greatly. You gave him four or five to exalt him above his fellows, propel him towards rank, and earn him jealousy, possibly mortal jealousy. Two hundred and fifty is an unthinkable gift, a gift to overwhelm an emperor.

Tai is in deep waters. He needs to get himself back to court and his own emperor, alive. Riding the first of the Sardian horses, and bringing news of the rest, he starts east towards the glittering, dangerous capital of Kitai, and the Ta-Ming Palace - and gathers his wits for a return from solitude by a mountain lake to his own forever-altered life.

--

About the Author

Guy Gavriel Kay is the author of ten novels and a volume of poetry. His eleventh work of fiction, Under Heaven, will be published by Viking Canada in April 2010, and by Penguin US and HarperCollins UK in May 2010.

Kay's fiction has sold over 3 million copies and been published in more than 25 languages around the world. He is the winner of the 2008 World Fantasy Award for Ysabel, which has been optioned for feature film release by Maryke McEwen of Kinetic Productions, the Gemini-winning producer of Street Legal and The Diary of Evelyn Lau and Jeanne Strømberg and Alan Hausegger of StrømHaus Productions, who created the film adaptation of Linda Svendson's Marine Life starring Cybill Shepherd.

Kay's novel The Lions of Al-Rassan has also been optioned for feature film and is being developed by director Edward Zwick (The Last Samurai, Blood Diamond) and Cathy Schulman (Crash) of Mandalay Pictures.

Kay is a recipient of the International Goliardos Prize for his contributions to the literature of the fantastic. At the outset of his career, he was retained by the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien to assist in the editorial construction of Tolkien's posthumously published, The Silmarillion.


I'll have to beef up my selection of Chinese music before this book arrives. Gotta have the right ambience!

"Double dumb-ass on you!"


"Double dumb-ass on you!", originally uploaded by Jaquandor.

So I was watching Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home last night, and one little detail caught my eye during the scene where Kirk and Spock are riding the BART bus over to Sausalito so they can visit the Cetacean Institute and plot their rescue of two whales. This very brief shot comes right after Spock nerve-pinches the rude punk-rocker. Why did I screengrab this?

Because if you look close, you can see that a rider over on the left there, a couple of rows in front of Kirk and Spock, is holding a copy of the late and long-lamented OMNI Magazine. If I could resurrect a single periodical publication, at the same level of quality as at its height, I'd choose OMNI. That mag was such a fun read. The only thing now that comes close is WIRED, but WIRED lacks OMNI's willingness to go right into areas of pure speculation, if not outright mysticism.

Maybe now that they've brought whales into the 23rd century, Kirk and company could bring OMNI into the 21st!

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Something for Thursday

Not my favorite piece in the world -- I always find it a bit repetitive on the way to its unquestionably thrilling climax -- but I've had it on the brain a bit since linking part of it in my Erich Kunzel memorial post, so here's Seiji Ozama conducting the Berlin Philharmonic in Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. (It's in two parts.)



Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Colin Cowherd is a giant doodie-head.

I was listening to WGR, the local sports-radio talk station, on my way to work this morning, because WNED was playing some baroque thing that I didn't want to listen to. (Probably Vivaldi.) Sometimes WGR likes to promote their programming by airing small snippets, a minute or less, from something said on one of their shows the day or two before. This morning, they played a clip of Colin Cowherd, the guy who is on from 10:00 to noon, the slot vacated some years ago on the ESPN Radio network by Tony Cornhiser.

I'll be honest: I can't stand Colin Cowherd. I hate his voice, he has a bizarre man-crush on Tom Brady, and he generally fills his airtime with one stupid utterance after another. The clip WGR played this morning was a case in point. He was apparently referring to a suggestion (made by whom, I don't know) that the NFL set aside its local teevee blackout rules this season, as several teams are apparently in serious trouble with regard to selling out their stadiums. The franchises he named at Jacksonville and San Diego. Cowherd indicated that he's not inclined to support such a rules change, since smaller towns, like Buffalo, manage to support their teams by selling out all the time.

Setting aside the issue of whether it makes sense for the Bills, seemingly hopelessly mired in mediocrity for a decade, are selling as many season tickets right now as they did when they were the AFC's best team and going to the Super Bowl every year, it might have been nice to hear Cowherd saying something positive about Buffalo -- but then he proceeded to crap all over it, noting that football is all there is to do in Buffalo since our weather is awful (it isn't, but good luck telling him that) and...

...wait for it...

...that Buffalo is...

...(I couldn't believe my ears)

...geographically isolated.

Yes. Colin Cowherd said that Buffalo is "geographically isolated", whereas San Diego is not because it's close to LA and Las Vegas.

Well.

According to this site, it is 130 miles from San Diego to LA and 340 miles to Las Vegas. So, for Buffalo to be "geographically isolated", all other destinations of note would have to be quite a lot farther away from Buffalo than LA and/or Vegas are from San Diego. Right? Well, to me, if you can drive someplace in less than eight hours, you can consider yourself un-isolated from that particular destination. Assuming 70 miles an hour, here are some places within eight hours of Buffalo by car:

So, Buffalo to Chicago: 540 miles.
Buffalo to Indianapolis: 510 miles.
Buffalo to Boston: 470 miles.
Buffalo to Washington, DC: 410 miles.
Buffalo to New York City: 370 miles.
Buffalo to Detroit: 360 miles.
Buffalo to Philadelphia: 360 miles.
Buffalo to Pittsburgh: 220 miles.
Buffalo to Cleveland: 190 miles.

And, of course, Buffalo to Toronto is about a hundred miles.

Yeah, Colin. Buffalo is totally isolated. Look at a map next time, doofus.

A Random Wednesday Conversation Starter

The Lady, or the Tiger?

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Erich

Maestro Erich Kunzel has died, after a battle with cancer.

Kunzel has been active for many years, but his most noted accomplishment may be his founding of the Cincinnati Pops Orchestra (comprised of musicians from the Cincinnati Symphony), and the lengthy body of recording work he did with that ensemble. Kunzel's recording frequently featured film music, and nearly any lover of film music will own at least a few of Kunzel's recordings. He conducted film music with sparkle and verve, and he will be greatly missed.

Here are a few samples from his baton.

The Magnificent Seven:



The Love Theme from Spartacus:



Gone With the Wind:



"Across the Universe", by the Beatles (performed by the King's Singers):



The last few minutes of the 1812 Overture, performed at "A Capitol Fourth":



Farewell, Maestro Kunzel, and thanks for the music.

At the risk of offending....

Moist. Moist. Moist! Moist moist moist moist moistity moist!

Moist.

It seems that some people don't like the word "moist". From the linked article:

But on this side of the Atlantic, one curious word seems to be under attack.

Not that’s it’s offensive. But because it makes people — especially women — feel icky.

Entire websites now revolve around a hatred of "moist."

There are a dozen Facebook groups calling for an end of the word, with ‘I HATE the word MOIST!" boasting 822 decidedly dry members.

Even television has acknowledged the moist backlash, with a character on the sitcom How I Met Your Mother venting the word rubs her the wrong way.

University of Pennsylvania linguist Mark Liberman has traced the evolving resentment over the adjective. He’s found humans carry around a propensity for "word aversion." Among those that give us the creeps, are “hardscrabble,” “pugilist,” “squall” and “giggle.”

Liberman tells Sun Media the aversion often seems purely phonetic, though other words, like “baffle,” evoke an unpleasant sensation.

Many even harbour nasty feelings toward “creamy,” “navel” and even “panties,” which may contain sexual aspects, he notes.

However, none compare to the flood of disgust for “moist.”

“(It) seems to be the word with the largest number of haters, apparently because it hits so many phonetic and semantic buttons at once,” he explains.


This strikes me as a bit odd. Not the notion of hating particular words, mind you -- I still shudder when I recall the Great "Copacetic" Craze of the late 90s, when everybody was using the word "copacetic", a word for "excellent" which to my ears sounds more like a word for "carrying a strange viral rash that is contagious and purple" -- but really, what on Earth is wrong with moist? Is the entire word to be crushed under the unpleasant connotations that arise from, well, certain people feeling moist in areas they wouldn't want to feel moist? But that's just context, isn't it? I mean, what about a chocolate cake? Are we to avoid referring to a moist cake? I think a moist cake is pretty desirable, myself.

For that matter, what's wrong with creamy? Sure, there are some icky things that can be described as creamy, but some of my favorite substances in the world are creamy. Cool-whip, for one.

In fact, when it comes to pie, I like things creamy. And moist.

I find myself baffled that some people's panties get twisted over their distaste for descriptors like moist and creamy. But who knows; this very blog post could just be an example of me overexamining my own navel.

(Original link via Lynn.)

Thanks to the Earl (of Sandwich)

I'm not sure where I got the idea from -- I'm pretty sure that it's not my own -- but a thought for a potentially yummy sandwich popped into my head the other evening. I tried it out today for lunch, and sure enough, I loved it. This one's going in the rotation. What is it?

-- 2 slices of thick, whole grain bread (I'm using Dark German wheat right now, the kind where the crust is studded with seeds)
-- 2 tbs cream cheese (I'm using light cream cheese, as I can't really tell the difference between it and regular)
-- 7 or 8 nice-sized strawberries, sliced.

Spread the cream cheese on both slices of bread, as you would mayo or butter or whatever. Fill the sandwich with the strawberries. Consume.

I love sandwiches, of nearly all types. I've been on a PB&J kick of late, but instead of the grape jelly that The Wife and The Daughter insist are proper for PB&J, I've been using strawberry, or raspberry, or the blueberry-rhubarb freezer jam that The Wife made some time back. I've also been doing good old tuna salad a bit. And of course there are the usual cold cuts, although I don't use those as much lately.

But yeah, the cream cheese-and-strawberry sandwich is terrific.