Boys Will Be Boys

Good article on the Steubenville, OH rape case:

Where is the challenge to the idea that their lives really are “over”? There is something deeply harmful in all of the adults reinforcing the idea that the lives of teen-age boys are destroyed when a girl says what they have done. There is also something incomplete about just replying that they deserved the consequences (as much as they do). For one thing, it can mean asking a sixteen-year-old to be the one to judge the weight of her own trauma. It isn’t trivializing the seriousness of the sentence to say that teen-agers always think, when one door is closed, that everything is over, and that it’s the job of grownups to explain that it isn’t. A different life is not a worthless one. (Absent parents, not incidentally, are a theme of this story.)

There are more important and complicated questions beyond that, both practical and ethical. Telling those teen-agers that there shouldn’t have been consequences might mean another victim, in another town, years in the future. It also affects what sort of men the boys become, and one has to think that Richmond and Mays, too, have an interest in that. Does it destroy a teen-ager’s life to take him off the path of being an adult rapist? Perhaps it is too abstractly (even annoyingly) philosophical to ask what the “better” life is—one in which you have a remote shot at being in the NFL, or one in which you might be a person who treats others decently? Still, the question is worth asking.

I've been just appalled by the tone of the press coverage of this whole thing, which reinforces my impression that we just don't take rape all that seriously in this country. Just the other morning I was listening to a podcast by a local individual in which he partly opined in favor of some comedian's "It was just a joke!" defense of a joke he'd made about rape.

These boys are teenagers. Theoretically they have sixty more years on this planet, give or take. Whether or not their lives are 'destroyed' is up to them -- and they are not off to a good start. My sympathies don't lie with them, however. They lie with a girl who was raped and then shamed for having been raped. Where are the cries for "victim's rights"?

Oh well.

Ten years....

...since the start of the Iraq War.

Sigh.

Curse you, Productivity Gods!

COWORKER: So, what're you gonna do tonight?

ME: I think I'm gonna go home, do the normal stuff -- relax, quick nap, shower, dinner -- and then get some writing done.

COWORKER: Cool!

[CUT TO LATER -- MY APARTMENT]

ME: Ahhhh, good to be home! Change clothes...put new ice cream in freezer...open up computer, check e-mail...huh, seems I got a package in the mail, wonder what it is....


ME: Well played, Productivity Gods. Well played, indeed.

[I look at the book I'm already reading and enjoying, but for which I suddenly feel significantly less enthusiasm....]

Answers the I've lost count....

Continuing the cavalcade of answers from Ask Me Anything!, so that I can be well-rested by the time the August edition rolls around!

Roger's final questions:

Your solution to the immigration problem.

Are we in a "post-racial society," yet, and if not, what will it take?

The US can kill Americans abroad if they are "terrorists"; your thoughts.

The copyright law in my lifetime has expanded the effective date tremendously in my lifetime. Does this distress you?

Are you concerned about MPAA/RIAA copyright overreach legislation such as SOPA?

Well...huh. In all honesty, I haven't thought much about the immigration 'problem', from a policy standpoint. That said, I'm not even sure what the immigration 'problem' even is. Do we have too many people trying to come to America? Frankly, I have a hard time seeing how that's a bad thing. My general view -- and again, I have not thought this out in any great detail and don't have any expertise to offer -- is that we should be making it easier, rather than harder, for the peoples of the world who wish to come here to do so, that they might live here, learn here, work here, establish their families here, and add to the next generation here. And I have a very hard time seeing anti-immigration arguments as anything other than "GAHHH more brown people wanna live by me!", which is not something I generally endorse.

Are we 'post-racial'? No. Not even close, I'm sad to say. What will it take? I hate this thought, but I generally think it might take another bunch of centuries of human evolution in order to squash the "fear of the other" that is at the heart of racism.

Killing American citizens abroad if they're 'terrorists': this is a really tough one, but generally, I tend to fall on the side of ensuring that due process is granted in as many cases as humanly possible. Realistically, there will be times when our soldiers abroad are in combat against someone who may have once been an American citizen but who is now fighting for an enemy. But I think what Roger's getting at here is: If such a person isn't in actual combat but we know they're sipping coffee in some cafe someplace, should we be sending assassins in to shoot them? Again, I think no, but again, I think realistically, that's what's likely to happen. But in general I'm very fearful of what the War on Terror hath wrought, in terms of Presidential power (this is, by far, my main area of disappointment with President Obama) and in terms of due process in this country. Plus -- and this is all I'll say about this -- but it strikes me as odd that one person fails to blow up a plane with a shoe bomb and we all have to take off our shoes at the airports, but mass shooting after mass shooting happens in our country, and we don't do a thing about it.

And copyright law is a train wreck that will continue to unfold. I have no doubt that next time Mickey Mouse is getting close to entering the public domain, Disney will buy another member of Congress (last time it was Sonny Bono) and get the legislation passed to make it another twenty years of copyright. As for MPAA/RIAA overreach, that stuff really pisses me off. Let's cripple the Internet because of a problem that will never be eradicated, and which I frankly refuse to believe is a problem in the first place. Those industries can tell me all they want how much money they're losing, but I'm not believing for one second the numbers given to me by an industry that tries to claim that Titanic lost money. Whatever.

OK, just a few left, I think! We'll finish up this week, for realz!

Sentential Links

It's that time again, folks. Link time! Hooray!

:: We all knew this was how it would happen, slowly but steadily. We knew it. And now it's happened to Rob Portman. It's progress. It's human. And I should be less churlish about it. (I see nothing to be gained in being a jerk about how someone comes to the conclusion that they've been wrong and joins the side of the angels. I wish it would happen more quickly, but that's not for me to decide.)

:: I miss her. I'm glad she was here. I carry her with me for the rest of my life. And that's not a bad thing. (I often wonder what kind of burden The Daughter will carry in life, knowing that for a time, she had a brother....)

:: BBC: I'm sorry, I'm afraid that we're going to have to postpone the start of your season again. Budget concerns, you know. You'll just have do make do with the back half of Season Seven and a couple of specials for your 50th anniversary.

Doctor Who Producer: But our series is a phenomenal success! It's getting astounding ratings and great audience appreciation numbers every year, year in and year out! (And now Britain's stupid austerity budgeting is hurting Doctor Who production? NEVER!!!)

:: I’ve always been Roger O. Green, or Roger O’Green, if you will. Some day, maybe I’ll discover whether I come by my faux designation legitimately. (I find that the older I get...my level of interest in my genealogy goes nowhere. Seriously. I know nothing about my family beyond my grandparents, and I suspect that's the way it's likely to stay.)

:: What novel do you have multiple well worn copies of? If you were in an old book store would you look for another older volume of the same book so that you can eventually find a first edition? If you are a Bibliophiles, you know what I am talking about and you are my people. (I don't crave a first edition Lord of the Rings, but I do own multiple copies, for various reasons -- mainly, every few years or so I see one that looks really nifty. Ditto a number of GGK's novels. I want to get a single-volume edition of The Fionavar Tapestry at some point...and a proper Under Heaven, since my only copy of that one at this point is the ARC I got when the book was coming out.)

:: Also, house parties. I think all novels should have house parties in them. (Note to self: write a house party into Princesses II: The Wrath of the Princesses.)

:: I live it for wiser folk to figure out where she lies on the spectrum of Christian theology, but I do want to point out the hilarious middle panel, in which everyone was enjoying themselves watching basketball until she wandered in with dark warnings about the fact that death looms over us all, constantly. (Oh, Family Circus, never change!)

:: So, THE LAST DANGEROUS V… Er, I mean, THE REPUBLIC OF THIEVES! October 10th. And now it’s some other writer’s turn to wear the Crown of Lateness. I have already started work on the fourth Gentleman Bastard book, THE THORN OF EMBERLAIN. (Heh...at the rate I'm going, I'll have Princesses In SPACE!!! III: The Search for Spock's Princesses done by the time I somehow get Princesses published. But that day will come, by God!!! Joking aside, I'm glad that the new Locke Lamora book is on the way. I enjoy that series.)

More next week!

The Wearing of the Green!

Here's how I get decked out for St Paddy's Day!




Green overalls. Oh yeah, babe!

Sunday Burst of Weird and Awesome!

Oddities and Awesome abound!

:: It always amazes me to learn of cultural things that are apparently really big, and yet, somehow I don't learn about them until quite a ways into their fifteen minutes of fame. Case in point: Dorito tacos. How on Earth did I not know about these? Is this what happens when you turn away, in large part, from watching teevee shows actually on teevee, during their broadcast timeslots, with commercials?

:: Bill Moyers and Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth, available for free audio download. Wow. I shall have these before the day is out, oh yes!

:: This fellow canoed the Mississippi River. I haven't dug through his posts yet, but I certainly mean to. I love stories like this. Years ago my parents had a subscription to Canoe Magazine, and one month there was a big feature article about an epic canoe journey that took two guys all the way around North America, or something like that. I read the hell out of that article, over and over again. Good travel writing thrills me!

More next week!

Blessings!

This situation is out of control. It is out of control and we will be lucky to live through it.

I am unsure of the wisdom of this development. #overalls #Carhartt #LaysChickenAndWaffleChips, originally uploaded by Jaquandor.

I can't imagine who thought chicken-and-waffles was a viable flavor for a potato chip.

They're...well, they're OK. I would never buy them again, but I don't recoil in horror from them, either.

Happy Pi Day!

It's 3:14 pm ET as this post goes live, so...Happy Pi Day, folks!


Unfortunately I've yet to celebrate Pi Day properly, but one of these years....

Something for Thursday

I've been posting a lot of classical music lately and will likely keep doing so, but why not change the pace once in a while? Here is one of the most beautiful country songs ever written, performed by the ever-amazing Willie Nelson and the always-missed Ray Charles: "Seven Spanish Angels".


They just don't write country songs like that anymore.

Ummm, Google?

WTF??!!

A Random Wednesday Conversation Starter

I've been making my own trail mix of late, with various combinations of nuts and dried fruit. My current mix consists of salted almonds and unsalted walnuts mixed with dried dates, cranberries, and pineapple. Now, I'm not a big fan of pineapple in general, but the dried stuff is miraculous. I can't get enough of it, and it tests my self-control.

However, I also throw into the mix when I eat some -- I don't mix it right in, but just add a bit when I dish up some of the trail mix -- prunes. This is new to me, and for the life of me, after eating a few prunes each day for about a week, I cannot decide if I like the things or not.

Do you folks like prunes?

From the Books: Make the Bread, Buy the Butter

I don't own this book yet. But I've had it checked out of the library a majority of the weeks it's been in the collection, which means that it's well past time for me to get off my ass and buy a copy, innit? Anyway, Jennifer Reese's Make the Bread, Buy the Butter (subtitled What You Should and Shouldn't Cook From Scratch) is a terrific cookbook. Not just a collection of recipes, it's a chronicle of one woman's quest to take more of a do-it-yourself (DIY) approach to her family's food preparation, and the discoveries she made along the way that there are some things that you certainly should make for yourself (either because it's easier, or cheaper, or just plain better, or all three), and that there are other things that you're just fine buying for yourself at the store.

I haven't done a whole lot of cooking out of the book yet (one new wrinkle is The Wife's adoption of a gluten-free diet, which has us going in other food directions currently), but there are a lot of good insights here on food and making it yourself and the fact that sometimes it's just fine to not do things from scratch. The book is full of frank observations, like this:

If bay leaf didn't exist, would anyone miss it? I've never tasted anything and thought, This stew is just crying out for bay leaf. But I keep buying and using it nonetheless.

And Reese's explorations are hard-core. This isn't just about making your own breads or spice mixes or your own peanut butter. She writes about keeping -- and killing -- her own chickens, and keeping goats. She writes about making her own hot dogs (her conclusion? Just buy 'em.). And she writes thusly about a dish that's wonderful when made at home, but may or may not be worth all the effort: fried chicken.

One rainy Sunday a few years ago, Isabel, Owen, and I decided to pass the afternoon by watching a DVD of The Fellowship of the Ring, that movie about hobbits and elves and Orcs that we'd been hearing about. One hundred and seventy-eight minutes later, during which we neither moved nor spoke, we looked at each other, eyes glazed. We walked straight to the car, drove to the video store, and rented The Two Towers and The Return of the King. It was getting on dusk when I pulled into the Kentucky Fried Chicken down the hill and bought dinner.

My kids were shocked. Happy, but shocked. What was going on with Mom? KFC? I wondered that myself. But we were hungry and the chicken was hot and we had five more hours of Viggo Mortensen to watch. Fifteen minutes after I pulled into the KFC, we were back on the sofa with the bucket on the coffee table, eating mediocre chicken and mashed potatoes and biscuits and watching The Two Towers. It was one of the happiest nights of my adult life and my children still get dreamy and nostalgic talking about it.

Not long ago, I cooked a grand fried chicken dinner out of Ad Hoc At Home by Thomas Keller. I bought the book based on rave reviews of Keller's chicken, which is brined and air-dried before it is dipped in multiple coatings and fried. The effort paid off; the recipe did not disappoint. TO go with that incredible chicken -- because you can't serve fried chicken without fixins -- I mashed potatoes and baked biscuits. There was a salad in there somewhere, too. Frying chicken is messy and nerve-racking because oil spatters and spits and stings your forearms and you have to do it at the last minute, which is also when you're mashing potatoes and pulling biscuits out of the oven and pouring glasses of water and calling to everyone that dinner is ready. Leave it in the pan too long, and the chicken is ruined; take it out too soon and it's a health hazard. You really have to be up for the logistical challenge.

And fried chicken comes with baggage: You expect fried chicken to be so good that people lick their fingers. Literally. You expect people to linger at the table and loosen their belts, lean back in their chairs, tell stories, pull out a bottle of corn likker. You expect people to somehow recognize that this isn't a meal like all other meals.

Sometimes all of that will happen.

Sometimes it will not.

By the time we sat down, I was bleak with exhaustion, everyone was ravenous, and we put away that chicken in about ten minutes flat. The coating formed a crispy sheath around meat that, thanks to brining, was juicy and flavorful through to the bone. The potatoes were a celestial cloud of starch and butter; the biscuits, perfection. But I don't remember a thing anyone said; I don't remember anyone lingering at the table or thanking me or recognizing that the meal was special or iconic or hanging around afterward to drink corn likker. One of these days I will forget the evening ever happened. I suspect Mark and the children already have. But that night we ate KFC on the sofa and watched The Two Towers? That, we will never forget.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that the symbols of wholesome domestic happiness -- hot biscuits, a platter of home-fried free-range chicken, a family sitting around a table -- are not domestic happiness. The family sitting in front of the TV with the bucket may be experiencing more joy and grace and love. Or, of course, they may not be.

Should you make your own fried chicken or buy KFC? Reese says there's no easy answer to that, and I tend to agree. I've made my own fried chicken, and had a good time doing it. And you can probably tell by my self-photos that I've had my share of KFC.

I need to buy this book...and even after I do, I'll probably keep checking it out periodically, just to keep its circulation numbers up.

Answers the Seventh!

And we keep on plugging away!

First of all, I need to revise and extend my remarks from the other day, regarding what fictional planet I would like to live upon. I don't think I gave the question enough thought at the time, so here are some additions:

The Mars of Kim Stanley Robinson's Mars trilogy (note to self: you're way overdue for a re-read) strikes me as an amazing place that I would love to see, especially if I, like the long-lived characters of his books, get to see Mars all the way from dead red planet to verdant, ocean-covered blue world. I'd love to see that. I saw these photos om Tumblr the other day, comprising what Mars might look like were it completely terraformed:

Wow.

I'm not sure about any one specific planet, but the Commonwealth of Peter F. Hamilton's Commonwealth novels (one duology and a later trilogy) is an amazing place. Hamilton takes the idea of wormholes between star systems and does something amazing with them: he puts them right on the planet surfaces, so that one can travel from one world to another by train.

I also very much would love to live in Iain M. Banks's Culture setting. I can't remember any specific planets (I've only read two of the books thus far), but I find the idea of a post-scarcity world deeply interesting.

Ultimately, though, I think I'd be that strange soul who doesn't really live on any one world. As long as it had room for my books, I think I'd want to live on...a ship. Yup, a ship. A good ship. With a good crew. You can't take the sky from me!

OK, and now, back to new questions that I haven't answered yet. These few will be short answers, just because I don't have long answers to offer on them.

Roger continues his queries as follows:

You get to vote for the Baseball Hall of Fame. How do you deal with the steroid era players?

You get to vote in the Football Hall of Fame. Do you pick a punter? If so, who?

For any Hall of Fame, who has been woefully ignored?

I'll package those all together.

First, the steroid players. I let them in, if their achievements seem to really merit inclusion. McGwire? Bonds? Yes. Sosa? Palmeiro? Ehhhh...maybe not. Maybe those guys wait.

The problem is that Major League Baseball had no real policy for how to deal with steroids in that era. In the absence of a specific policy dealing with banned substances, I just don't see a compelling reason that a bunch of sportswriters should get to appoint themselves Keepers Of Baseball Morality. (And besides, I've grown quite tired of sportswriters in general. I love good sports writing, as much as I love all good writing, but sportswriters in this country have, in general, become an entire class of sanctimonious asses who get offended if you question their brilliant insights. The idea of some of these jerks standing up as moral bulwarks against the horror of a guy who took drugs to increase his home run production? Who cares?

To me, if we're going to decide that those players are all ineligible for the Hall, then we also have to basically vacate the results and standings of every season played during the steroid era. Otherwise, it's just selective morality.

Punters in the Football Hall of Fame? Absolutely. And special teams players, too. Those guys are football players, they contribute to their teams' successes and failures, and they should he in the Hall, if they're good enough.

That said, who has been ignored? The Bills' Andre Reed and Steve Tasker leap to mind. Every year they're eligible and don't get in, and inevitably I hear a very deeply silly argument about "How can a team that lost the Super Bowl have that many players in the Hall?" It's the Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Super Bowl Winners, or the Hall of Stats. Tons of guys should be in who never even got to the Super Bowl.

And for my money, if there's any debate as to whether Kurt Warner is a Hall of Famer, it should end the second he's eligible. That guy goes in, or the Hall is a joke.

Finally Roger asks:

Did you watch the Super Bowl? If so, did the refs blow the (non-)holding call at the end of the game?

I watched all of the first half and a good chunk of the second half, after the blackout ended. We attended a Super Bowl party at The Wife's boss's house, and he lives...out there. Way out there. You go to the Boonies, take a left, drive past East Bumf***, and then another eight miles and you're there. We left a little after the blackout began, and got home for most of the fourth quarter. Had the blackout not happened, we would have missed almost all the second half. (Interestingly, on the way home, I got to drive through my first ever sobriety checkpoint! Luckily, I hadn't been drinking at all that night.)

As for the play in question, I was only partly paying attention at that point. I've heard arguments both ways on that non-call, and I honestly am not sure. The refs blew quite a few calls in that game, but then, Jim Harbaugh's play-calling in that situation was awful. I don't know what possessed him to get first-and-goal that late in the game, when his running game had been clicking all night and when the Ravens' defense was tired, and then throw four times. And frankly, Harbaugh's post-game demeanor was pretty douchey. So even if it was an egregiously missed call, I personally am not terribly offended. Karma, and all that.

We're getting closer to being finished! Great questions this time around...the gauntlet is thrown down for August!

Lake Effect!

No, not the snow. Ice cream.


For the past couple of years I've been hearing about a local outfit that makes artisanal ice cream, called Lake Effect Ice Cream, after our region's most notable climate feature. Problem is, by 'local', I mean within thirty miles of Buffalo, and in the opposite direction from Casa Jaquandor. Lake Effect Ice Cream is located in Lockport, NY, which is quite a road trip from lovely Orchard Park. In other words, we weren't road-tripping just for ice cream. (What else is there in Lockport, anyway? I'm genuinely curious. If there's a good reason to road-trip, I'm game.)

But now, the Lake Effect folks have grown big enough to be able to start putting their wares in local stores, one of which actually is about fifteen minutes away from Casa Jaquandor. So off we went today to pick some up.

And...wow.

I had the Salty Caramel; The Wife had the Loganberry. I suppose Salty Caramel is self-explanatory, but for anyone not from Western New York, "Loganberry" probably needs some explanation. Loganberries are a kind of hybrid berry, between blackberries and red raspberries. They are also a very popular flavor of fruit beverage in these parts, not unlike fruit punch. There are few things more satisfying on a hot summer evening than a glass of loganberry drink accompanying a hot dog and fries. Some places have loganberry milkshakes, and now, Lake Effect makes a Loganberry ice cream.

The Salty Caramel is very, very good. The Loganberry is amazing.

We'll be trying more flavors, obviously. I saw one called "The Aud", which claims to use as a base "Labatt Blue ice cream". Ice cream, flavored like the area's favorite lager beer? Really? Can that be possible?

I will find out, and report!

Sentential Links

Time for the weekly links.

:: I am now... (this is the super-cool part)... a historian. I get to record history. For a living. (Ayup, that's pretty cool. I'm trying to make up history for a living! Not there yet, though.)

:: When I turned 50, I could think, “Maybe I still have another half a lifetime left.” After all, the number of centenarians in the United States has been growing. Willard Scott, with whom I share a birthday, BTW, still announces the birthdays of those over 100 on NBC-TV’s TODAY show, as far as I know.

Now that I am 60, though, I have to acknowledge that I’m not going to live another 60 years, even if I move to Azerbaijan and start eating yogurt soup. (And if I’m wrong, which one of you is going to write to correct me?) (I will. When Roger turns 120, I'll be a sprightly 101.)

:: Earlier today,we saw that Batman was ready to retire, psychological paralyzed by an inferiority complex triggered when he took one measly bullet during a mission.

Superman's "brilliant" plan--set up a fake crime wave in Kandor, so Batman could solve it and get all better.

Problem--the plan misfired (duh), the menace was real, but Batman found out it was a plan and is now all "I hate you!" (I seem to recall that exact plot from episodes of The Brady Bunch, Three's Company, and Eight is Enough.)

:: I will not buy anything I see in a pop-up ad. They are the most annoying form of advertising ever devised. I know the big problem with the internet is that no one has figured out yet how to make a substantial profit out of it. That certainly is my problem. Banner ads are only slightly effective. And newspapers and other sites have found it’s difficult to charge people for their services when other outlets will provide it for free. Why go to reputable newspapers when there are people like me in their underwear banging out blogs? (You know, this seems as good a time as any to get this out in the open: I have never, and will never, bang out material for this blog whilst in my underwear. Make fun of my overalls if you wish, but I am not blogging in my underwear. That is my pledge to you, dear Readers!)

:: Burroughs was pretty much done with Tarzan in 1914. He was feuding with his editor at All-Story over reprint rights and didn't have a lot of motivation to continue the series. But when a new editor took over the magazine and promised to work with Burroughs on his complaints, Burroughs agreed. He even accepted the new editor's idea of making the next story about Tarzan's son, Jack, running away from London to Africa with an ape. It would be the last time Burroughs set part of a Tarzan story in England. (Michael May is digging into the literary past of Tarzan. Check it out!)

:: Good morning, America! Are you feeling a little … discombobulated? Like you didn’t get enough sleep? That’s because you’re under the boot heel of the United Nations and their one-world “Daylight Savings Time” plot.

More next week!

Sparkly!

Day 10: Something that sparkles. #MarchChallenge #tmlphotoaday, originally uploaded by Jaquandor.

I'm doing a 'photo a day' challenge over on Instagram, and today's topic was 'Something That Sparkles'. So I took this photo of my two main pieces of jewelry: my wedding ring, and my star sapphire ring. I'm posting it here just because I really like the way the photo turned out.

My wedding ring is an Irish wedding band. The Wife has an Irish band too, although hers is styled slightly differently. We got each ring set with each other's birthstone, so those amethysts are her birthstone. Her ring has mine (sapphire).

The star sapphire ring was a Christmas gift from The Girlfriend (now The Wife) in 1996, which was the last Christmas for us as a dating couple, as we were married five months later in May 1997. I've always loved that ring.

Due to the nature of my day job, I never wear my rings to work. I'm afraid that some of the things I do might damage them. I keep on the lookout for a cheap 'alternate' ring to wear to work, but I never see any that I like all that much.

Anyway, that's my 'bling', as it were. And now that I have used the word 'bling' on my blog, the earth is that much closer to the Apocalypse!

Sunday Burst of Weird and Awesome

Oddities and Awesome abound!

:: Oh Japan, never, ever change!

As LiveDoor News pointed out this week, a new trend is spreading among Japanese schoolgirls. It's called "cream puff face" ("ganmen shuukuriimu" or 顔面シュークリーム). And, you guessed it, it involves smushing a cream puff in someone's face.

This isn't exactly a new trend, as it's possible to find examples of cream puff faces as early as 2007 and 2008. And, yes, this is a spin on the old fashioned pie in the face gag. But in Japan, the trend really started to take off with schoolgirls in 2011. The Japanese mainstream is just catching on now.

Huh....

(Well, stop the whaling. Other than that, never change!)

:: Check out these detailed floor plans of teevee households. I never realized that the Simpsons have two living rooms!

:: Want to make your own 'Keep Calm and Carry On' posters? Of course you do!




More next week!!!

Planting my Freak Flag in the soil of the Moon!

While I was on my break at work yesterday, I thought I'd take a quick look at the query letter than I'd been using for Princesses In SPACE!!! (not the actual title). Now, this letter has only gone out to about half a dozen agents thus far...which is a good thing, because when I read it, I suddenly had a massive case of The Writerly Panics. As in, OMG I can't do this am I crazy I must be nuts this query is awful no agent in their right mind would ever ever EVER want to read my book after looking at this train wreck of a letter GAHHHH!!!!

When I have a crisis of confidence, folks, I don't do it halfway. I turn into a quivering mass of protoplasm. That's what I do. And then I turn to Twitter and Facebook, where I posted the following:

If second-guessing myself was an Olympic sport, I'd be Bruce Frakking Jenner. #WhyInGodsNameDoIHaveToWantToBeAWriter

So I set about fixing the letter, and had some decent notions about it when the replies started pouring in. Here's a sampling of the resulting thread (edited a bit for clarity):

SCOTT: Because you're good at it and you like doing it?

[That one really gets to the heart of it, doesn't it?]

JASON: Fretting about your query letter?

ME: All of it. Every time I read the thing I get irritated with it.

ME AGAIN: The query letter is EVERYTHING. If I don't get that right, it doesn't matter at all how good the manuscript is, because nobody will read it.

JASON: True, but is there really a problem with it, or are you just psyching yourself out?

[The answer, of course, was 'both'. Sometimes when confronted by a problem, especially if it's a problem of my own making, I have to lose my shit first before I get down to the work of fixing it. Not my favorite part of my personal makeup, and I've made decent strides against it, but there are times when that part of me rears its ugly head.]

ME: I'm confident of my ability to tell a story. I have zero confidence in my ability to sell one. And the query letter is literally a sales letter. It's marketing, which is not a strength of mine in any way.

[This is true. I know that I wrote a good book, and tell me I didn't, I'll just tell you what to go do with yourself. Tell me I wrote a crappy query letter, though, and I'll fall to pieces.]

KERRY: If you were Bruce Frakking Jenner, you'd also be involved with all those Kardashians, so count your blessings, man.

[I had no idea that Jenner had fallen in with that particular clan. Sucks to be him...but yay me, for not knowing anything about it!]

ME: Well, if an agent or two at least requests the full manuscript, then I guess I'm OK. If not, then...there's that. I really hate this part of the process...writing a query letter and writing a novel are related skills only in that both involve a form of writing. But I keep thinking, just because there is some overlap between the tools a mechanic uses and those a carpenter uses, doesn't mean I want the guy who fixes my car to build me a house.

ME: All that said, I think I've got the letter about as good as I'm going to get it. It better be, because it's going out to more agents later!

[Here I'm trying to dial back the panic a bit. Not very successfully, but my cooler head is at least suiting for a fight against Inner Panic Guy.]

BETH: Also- bad plastic surgery would have been involved.

[I have no idea what this means, in all honesty. Hold on a second while I Google it...

(cue theme from The Dating Game as I Google "Bruce Jenner plastic surgery")

Oh. Oh no...no no no. AGGHHH! Moving on....]

JASON: I wonder if perhaps there's anyone you could show it to for some feedback or pointers? (I'm not volunteering -- although I'd be happy to give you my thoughts, for whatever they're worth -- because I'm not so good at the "selling myself" concept either. But if you're really that nervous about it, maybe someone could help...)

[Sage advice, that....]

ME: I've read a lot of online resources for query letters, so I have a decent of idea of what to do. Of course, there also tends to be a TON of contradictory advice. I see some agents saying "Do this!" and others saying "Don't do this!", when "this!" is the exact same thing. I've seen "Use conversational, marketing language!", and I've seen "Write the query in the same tone as the novel itself!" It's mostly a crapshoot...whatever works is what works.

[I should have chosen my words more carefully here, because it's not totally a crapshoot. There are a lot of good guidelines to be found as to how to write a query letter than won't be tossed in the trash on sight. The problem is in going from "The agent won't throw it out" to "The agent will be intrigued enough to request the manuscript". That's where the extra advice can be problematic and contradictory, given that agents are people, and therefore subject to preferences and tastes. And now someone new chimed in, and this particular person's entry into the thread couldn't have been more timely....]

SHEILA O'MALLEY: Keep it simple. Keep it short. And then cast a wide wide net. You can't please everyone. So please yourself - and then throw that sh** at EVERYONE - up your odds, basically, that someone out there will be the one to read it and think, "Huh. Want to hear more." But you can second-guess yourself to death. Just remember: you cannot please everyone. it's the same thing with getting actor headshots. The advice you get is overwhelming. You show people the contact sheet. Everyone tells you to pick a different shot, and give you a thesis paper as to why. In the end, you have to pick the one you can live with - that you think represents you best. Anyway: that's just more UNASKED FOR ADVICE. sorry!! and BEST OF LUCK!

JASON: I see your frustration... I agree with Sheila, though... you can't please everyone, and you can make yourself crazy with the second-guessing. Trust me, I'm an expert on that. Deep breath, do the best you can, and have a nice rum beverage after you get back from the post office.

SHEILA: Oh, and one last piece of unasked-for advice: show it to a couple of targeted people who understand your work, but also understand the business - other writer friends, if you have them. Just to get another eye on it.

KERRY: Anyone know how I can back out of a thread? I thought this was about Bruce Jenner.

SHEILA: hahahaha

[Somehow I think that Sheila and Kerry would get along very, very well.]

ME: Sheila, seems to me that when I lose my shit spectacularly on FB, I am tacitly asking for advice. So thank you and keep it coming, even if it's to slap me upside the head and say, 'Snap out of it!'

SHEILA: All righty then! Keep it short - a couple of snappy paragraphs (edit out any self-deprecating language - you can be humble "thank you so much for your time" without being "I am so not worthy" about it). Be yourself. It's your only shot, really. Because, to get all new Age-y, you're the only you there is. Some people may be like, "Ew. Can't stand this guy." Okay,then - NEXT. Because the next person may be like, "Wow, I'm intrigued." so keep the second-guessing to a minimum. and keep it short. did I mention keep it short??

ME: It's short -- only one page, 12pt, and the focus is completely on the book. I tried to write what I wish the back cover would say (other than 'JK Rowling thinks this is the best book EVER!!!' ). I say nothing about myself, other than my contact info. I have no publishing credits at all, so it seems to me the book has to do the heavy lifting. I feel better about the current draft of the letter, though! (I don't know about being myself, though...I'm not sure a lot of the weird shit on my blog would help! I can see an agent saying, 'Interesting book premise...but what's with the overalls and the obsession with STAR WARS and the pie throwing and the man-crush on Nathan Fillion?' Heh!)

SHEILA: But see that's the whole thing: some agent is gonna be like, "OMG I love overalls, and I love Star Wars too, and I love Buffalo, NY, and WHO IS THIS GUY?? HE IS MY SOULMATE." Be articulate, don't be an ass, but let your Freak Flag fly. Because people respond to those who are confident about themselves. sorry, Elvis dovetail: he wore bright pink suits in high school before he was famous. He was being himself. He looked like a lunatic compared to his peers. But that was what he wanted to do, and he did it, and 2 years later, every boy wanted to wear pink pants because Elvis was wearing them. I say don't worry about seeming "too weird". as long as you are articulate, polite, and don't waste their time.

ME: Oh, I don't worry about seeming too weird -- I just don't know how to fly my Freak Flag (and there's a phrase that is going into my personal lexicon, and I mean, RIGHT NOW) in the context of a query letter. I really don't want to call any attention whatsoever to my lack of publishing credits, but should I mention my eleven years of blogging? I put all the personal stuff way down at the bottom of the letter, on the thesis that the story of the book has to be the major focus. I want to avoid stuff like "It's been my lifelong dream to write and publish a novel!", because all the agents are unanimous, so far as I can see, that you shouldnt' do that...and frankly, it's pretty obvious why. Should it just be a "For more about me, please check out my personal blog at [url]?"

ME: (to KERRY) Sorry, I missed that comment. You go right ahead and Jenner it up! (And I just used 'Jenner' as a verb. Oy....)

SHEILA: Just be confident. Don't be self-deprecating. This is my first novel. End-stop. I write about diverse topics on my personal site (link included) and have been doing so for years. End-stop. Or whatever. Most writers have some kind of home-base where they put personal stuff, so it will be helpful to any agent to check you out - especially if you have no other published work. I wouldn't say "I've been blogging for 11 years." Just mention the existence of your site, and that you cover a wide array of topics (list a few - it will make you seem interesting, quirky, and will be part of your fluttering Freak Flag). And be totally unembarrassed about your lack of publishing experience. You can FEEL embarrassed on the inside, but don't let it seep into your language. No shame in not being published. The only shame is in not being published, wanting to be published, and not having the balls to do what you are currently now doing - trying like hell to get published. I just went through all of this with my play, Kelly...So, as you know, everything depends on the quality of the thing you have written. and you're right on: avoid any language that seems "hopeful" or "dreamy" - "I dream of this book being turned into a mini-series" "I hope you like the book" "I have wanted to be a writer since I was a wee lad." etc. None of that. You already ARE a writer. You just haven't had anything published yet.

KERRY: Maybe consider this: "Finding the Champion Within: A Step-by-Step Plan for Reaching Your Full Potential." By.... Bruce Frakking Jenner.

[Kerry seems oddly fixated on Bruce Jenner.]

ME: (to SHEILA) I already didn't have any self-deprecating language in there, so I'm good! I do think I need to rework my closing, which is the short bit where I talk about me. I think that my APPROACH is on the right track; I just worry a lot about the specific wording. I'm confident as hell about the book itself, though, which helps. I *know* I wrote something good. So when I get home, it's time to power up the laptop and get this thing honed!

And thank you for taking time out of your day for all this comment. It's been a huge help, and not just from the "Snap out of it!" standpoint, either. I'm at a point where specific advice helps most! (I hope it won't bother you that in the inevitable movie to be made from my book, there's no obvious part for Dean Stockwell.)

At least the bad news on that last score isn't limited to Sheila and her favorite actor. There's no real part for Nathan Fillion, either. But Princesses II: Electric Boogaloo is in the offing....

As for the concept of the Freak Flag, I do like that a lot. Part of what I've been trying to do here in recent weeks, what with eliminating my snarkiness and trying to warmly embrace my weirdness, is to do just that: planting my Freak Flag. I wonder what that flag would look like?

Likely something like that.

And a very public thanks to everyone who helped on that thread!